Am I a terrible friend?

[Peony26]

I have been the closest of friends with we will call A for a long time, over 20 years our children have all be raised together, holidays Christmas’s the lot! She has always been very self centred, but had a rough childhood and is very insecure so I have always understood why she can be the way she is and have often defended her. I have been there with her for absolutely everything the highs and some really hard lows, she’s grown to rely on us a lot and often describes us as her safety net and longest relationship.

But a few years ago she lied to my face over something that really offended me. If I’m being honest I think things were bothering me building up to then and this was the icing on the cake. We hashed it out and I didn’t hold back, she was very remorseful and we moved on but it’s not really been the same, I am guarded I think, and she lies and there’s always something wrong with her so everyone needs to be rushing around her, she’s become even worse for being insecure.

Which brings us to now, I’m not in a very good place mentally, very overwhelmed and struggling, I had a meltdown basically not like me at all, I put everything before myself always, but I couldn’t cope and I backed out of an event with A and family, poured my heart out in a text and was genuinely devastated that I didn’t make it there. This was in August, she didn’t reply to me!! I can’t even tell you how many times I have dropped everything for her and rushed to her aid! She’s now sharing a lot on social media about her poor health, and her struggles. This issues been on going, I’ve taken her to so many appointments out of our area, a few small operations, had her and her children at mine whilst she recovers, so now that I have backed off, this is affecting me, making me anxious and making me feel rubbish. But on the flip side, I am sick of it being the A show! It feels so one sided, she’s never there for me! Literally never! So I haven’t contacted her at all since that last message

So AIBU? Am I being self centred? Is she going through a lot and I should have been there?

Or is this toxic and do I need to back off and stay away

If you are really truthful with yourself, do you actually like her anymore? Do you want to spend time with her? If it's a no then time to let go. Only you know if you can really be bothered to keep up the friendship (or the pretence).

She sounds like a selfish user.

I think you’ve put your finger on it where you mention ‘ the A show’. It’s not self- centred to no longer want to watch the show and support the other persons drama all the time. It sounds like your present difficulties have forced a re-think of your boundaries, and that’s a good thing. Maybe if you have some space, you can reconnect with what you like about her and be in touch again. But it’s very telling that she hasn’t contacted you since the text when you poured your heart out.

You're framing it as a choice between flagellating yourself versus cutting her off. I don't think either choice is a good idea.

She sounds difficult and I'd certainly need a break from her occasionally. It really sounds like you need a break from her right now. But you have a long relationship with her. In the future, you may value the long connection or she may evolve to be less annoying and it would be a shame if you had slammed the door now.

I say this as someone who has felt frustrated on many an occasion that people have not stepped up for me when I have done so much for them... Your frustration about being there for her when she is not there for you is 100% on you! You know what she's like. In future, don't give more than you can afford of your time or energy or money or whatever.

Maybe let her come to you. If it seems natural to work it into conversation at that point, tell her that you're disappointed she hasn't let you lean on her.

This is a great lesson in "we can't change people." She is who she is, unfortunately, but keep the door open and you may find she improves over time.

Sounds like boundaries have been crossed multiple times and you're well out of it to be honest.

I’m not asking if I should completely cut her off, I just don’t really know how to move forward. I don’t feel like pandering to her this time. The breaks have been becoming more and more over recent months! Things haven’t been the same for a while as I said.

When I took her to one of her minor ops, I took her early morning, stayed with her all day, bought her home to my house with her child, fed them, fetched her meds, went and sorted her dog, I literally nursed her, then the following morning, I managed to pull my back out making their bed, so I ended up laid up I couldn’t even walk without my husband, literally the house could of been on fire and I couldn’t move, and what did she do, got up, went home, went to the salon, then went out that evening with work colleagues, that was it didn’t even check on me! Then a few days later I heard from her again because she had done to much and was suffering!

It was her child’s birthday party that I didn’t attend, I know her she’s in a mood with me for not attending but I didn’t do it on purpose, I went to extra lengths with the present spent well over £100, was so excited to give it, and see them! It wasn’t a light decision not to go it really upset me that I missed it! My husband took the gift the next day, her child messaged me but her nothing! Then it was my childs birthday a few days later and she texted him, no card nothing, that was it! Hasn’t even texted me back

Too much drama. And bless you, yes you've enabled so much and been given so little in return. For your sanity keep your distance. If she gets back in touch you can decide how to take it forward, if you want to, on more cautious terms. She sounds horribly ungrateful. You say about her difficult past but she needs to take responsibility for her behaviour now.

You’re not being unreasonable! You can simultaneously understand why she is the way she is and be hurt at how poorly she’s treated you. Could you try muting her posts etc for a bit and see if you really miss her?

Yanbu. I had a very similar situation with a friend who was always flakey and often rude to me. I cancelled her once and stuck Ip for her and she told me if changed and then blocked me! Total self centered hypocrites these people are.

You've had a lucky escape draw a line under it- what I'm trying to do now is be more conscious about who I am reaching out to and making an effort with friendship wise - only those who make me feel good- if you aren't conscious about this you end up spending the most time with those who reach out to you and they're often the friends that none else wants! (In my humble experience)

I think it would be reasonable to step back and let her come to you. And to mention to her that you were hurt there hasn't been a bit more support (try to avoid saying "you..."

If she has to make a bit of an effort to see you, she may be a bit more conscious of enjoying your company. If she doesn't make the effort, then the situation will resolve itself. Good luck.

I stopped talking to a friend I known for 15yrs and was extremely close with her children
Unfortunately she did me dirty i miss the kids but I can't have someone as toxic as her in my life

You spent £100 on your friend's kid's birthday present?

Yeah, as I said we’ve been so close for more than 20 years. It wasn’t about the cost of the present more about what I had put together, but yeah I’ve always spoiled them she’s had really expensive gifts too, I bought her a once in a life time experience for her 30th

What was the once in a lifetime experience
.

She's utterly toxic and has been for a long time.

This is not a friendship.

It is a one-sided relationship where you bend yourself out of shape for her and she lies.

Not a friends worth saving.

Do not contact her.

Step back and look after yourself.

You are in danger of burning yourself out.

No one needs a friendship like that in their life.

You have excused far too much.

Take this opportunity to step away.....permanently.