How to deal with this

[mintchocchip86]

DD is 5 and has just started in year 1. Her school is two form entry.

Last year throughout reception, DD had problems with another girl in the class. This took many forms such as pushing, pulling, hitting and kicking DD, controlling who DD could play with and talk to. DD knew this was not right, but every time she tried to walk away, she was physically blocked from doing so by having clothes / hair pulled etc. I spoke to the class teacher on numerous occasions and she agreed that she would keep an eye on thing and separate them as much as possible. Due to what was going on DD started to develop school avoidance due to this child.

The school were mixing the classes up for year 1 and I specifically asked that DD was separated from this child and put into the other class. The school separated them.

Unfortunately, DD is still having issues in the playground. Last week, DD was deliberately pushed over by this child and fell and hit her head on the playground. This was witnessed by several Y6 children who reported the incident. Other incidents have included stomping on DD's hands, telling DD to off, using the middle finger and usually she is being hit every day. I have been to the school over this issue and they are keeping an eye. I did ask that the school also spoke to the other parents so they were aware too.

Last week one of DD's best friends mums found me after morning drop off and asked me to go for a coffee. Their DD is in the other class and in the same class as the girl we have been having difficulties with. The mum broke down and told me what has been going on and how worried she is for her DD - I hadn't spoken to her about our experiences, but she had guessed and what she said was happening to her DD was the same for my DD.

The other mums class teachers have been quite dismissive over the whole thing and have said they can't separate her DD. Both DD's are having school avoidance again, both know this is an unhealthy friendship but when they're 5 it is difficult to advocate for yourself.

How can we escalate this - it feels like the school is not doing enough to safeguard DDs from this child and the physical stuff is getting worse. DH says we need to be careful as the girl doing this is mixed race and the school / other parents may pull the race card on us - it is absolutely nothing to do with that whatsoever.

Any advice?

Start the complaints procedure. Its all well and good 'keeping an eye' but clearly nothing is changing. You absolutely should not accept that behaviour. I've had 3 kids go through reception and have never had to deal with anything like that so it is completely unacceptable that the school are doing nothing.

Ask for the schools bullying policy, and escalate.

Agreed. Informal chats and “keeping an eye” don’t seem to be cutting it. Start down the formal route. I’d call the school secretary to ask how to get the ball rolling as this is unacceptable behaviour which could result in severe problems for your child. And the other Mums, and probably more you don’t know about yet!

Complain to the school but also, if this was me I'd be approaching the parents and the child in the playground and telling them in no uncertain terms to keep their hands off my child.
I'd shame them both in front of everyone.

Well I would have kicked up an almighty stink last school year after the first couple of incidents, and if I wasn't taken seriously or there were no immediate improvements I would have removed my DD and found her another school. The level of violence and bullying your DD is being subjected to is appalling. How have you let this go on for so long?

Contact the school after every incident and keep a log.

The bullying policy should be on the school website, or you can ask for this. Make sure it is being followed. Usually there's a requirement for the school to have met both dc (seperately) along with their parents to discuss. Ask for a plan about how your dd will be kept safe.

If the response isn't satisfactory or they don't agree to stick to the bullying policy, then make a complaint, first to the head and then to the governors.

Start an official complaint, make sure you not only speak to the teacher, headteacher but also have anything that is said confirmed in an email.
it’s no so much the girl that the complaint needs to be about but at 5 years old the lack of supervision during school by the teachers, play time assistants. The school are failing in their safeguarding responsibilities.
If this is something that is happening regularly why aren’t the adults noticing and intervening. They should be stepping in and working with the girl on how to interact/play and how to control her anger.

Make sure it is in writing as well so you have records of all correspondence (both you and other mum) you could also contact governors if you don’t feel it is being dealt with appropriately.

The problem is everything is done out of sight. When the girls do approach an adult, the one doing it turns on the tears and says they're liars. As we've already approached the school, the bully has told anybody in the year that will listen to not play with DD as she is a liar and will get them into trouble. She is very clever and manipulative and I feel awful talking about a 5 year old in this way.

It seems to me that the school, ought to be dealing with two issues-

• Keeping your DD and others safe when in school
• Finding out what the other girl is communicating with this behaviour. Additional needs or stuff going on at home, or both?

Can you change schools? I know it sounds extreme but this problem is not going to go away.

We have thought of changing schools, but DD has made some lovely friendships there and it seems unfair to pull her out when she hasn't done anything wrong.

Well you either go in hard with the school or you remove your daughter. I'm really suprised that you're so passive about this. It's your job to protect your daughter. She's being physically assaulted every day!

If you and the other mum both put in writing that you are happy and copy in the governors hopefully they will see there is an issue with this child and it isn’t just one person

It sounds like someone needs to shadow this girl if she is sly/sneaky.

I would do everything formally, and I'd ask the other mum to do the same, so you're both doing the same complaints at every step.

I'd keep a log of every incident, and ask it is also recorded at school. And other mum of child being bullied to do this too.

I have a child in reception year of school and this is unacceptable.

I'd keep a date in mind to review things by. If the school weren't acting on it thoroughly and in a zero tolerance way then I WOULD move my child. It would be sad for their current positive friendships but for the best for their overall well-being.

I hope you can resolve things though.

I'd also suggest enrolling your DD in something like boxing/karate so she has confidence in herself and is able to defend herself if needed.

I would have thought two mum’s independently writing to two teachers copying in the HT and mentioning safeguarding in relation to the same child might have greater impact.

I would ask for a joint meeting for you, the other mum, plus the two dads with headteacher , as this isn’t being taken seriously.

DH says we need to be careful as the girl doing this is mixed race and the school / other parents may pull the race card on us - it is absolutely nothing to do with that whatsoever.

Your DH is a knob for saying this when he doesn’t even know how much the girl’s parents know about what is going on.

I have not been passive about it whatsoever. I have done lots to try and protect my daughter.

Definitely don’t accept “we’ll keep an eye out” any longer and go in hard with the school. Keep written logs of every incident and photos of any physical injuries.
Sounds as though this child needs someone shadowing her at all times on the playground. And she needs to be looked into why she is having this behaviour as it’s obviously very serious and not normal 5 year old “bad behaviour”. Could there be issues at home or special needs involved? Obviously not on you to find this out but the school should be taking this very seriously.

I've no idea, but it is clever, manipulative, controlling and coercive behaviour. I've just read the school's safeguarding policy and this is clearly child on child abuse so will be quoting that back at them.