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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sharing responsibility

28 replies

Happyface246 · 16/10/2023 08:16

I have invited my dad for Christmas as he is on his own with no real friends. Our relationship isn’t fantastic as he can be quite harsh with his views. My dd suffers with anxiety and can get overwhelmed easily. I have two other siblings, one lives close and the other a couple of hours away. One sibling had offered to help with transport but no accommodation offer. Last time my dad stayed with us we did everything. I need the other siblings to step up as I don’t want my dd having panic attacks. The sibling who has offered transport has said they won’t have my dad staying as there is no spare bed (she has a 2 bedroom house but lives on her own). Our house is full to the brim, dh, ds, dd and 2 pets) Wwyd? Thanks.

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 16/10/2023 08:18

I wouldn’t have invited him if it’s that much bother. You can’t expect others to ‘step up’ just because you’ve started something.

Barrowgirl · 16/10/2023 08:19

You can’t force them too

you dad doesn’t sound pleasant. You have decided to suck that up. Your siblings haven’t.

I would not subject your father to my children over Christmas as I’d be on the side of your siblings

Barrowgirl · 16/10/2023 08:20

* I need the other siblings to step up as I don’t want my dd having panic attacks*

do what your siblings are doing. Prioritising their own children over an unpleasant father

Barrowgirl · 16/10/2023 08:21

And the sibling living on her own - no frickin way should she be expected to suck it up.

she may have plans anyway

Sirzy · 16/10/2023 08:25

Did you discuss things with them before inviting him?

if you invite someone you can’t expect others to change around it.

NotMyKallax · 16/10/2023 08:28

Why should the other siblings step up? They didn’t invite him!

HarperMae · 16/10/2023 08:35

You invited him not your sibling. You can't invite him and then expect everyone else to sort him out.

Ohdearwhatnow4 · 16/10/2023 08:37

Agree with others, why invite if you can't accommodate

Barrowgirl · 16/10/2023 08:38

I doubt the op will be back

we haven’t given her what she wanted

Neolara · 16/10/2023 08:43

Book him into the Travelodge or local b & b?

1willgetthere · 16/10/2023 08:51

If he is staying at your house what is it you want your siblings to do?

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/10/2023 09:05

You invited him. Maybe they don’t want to see him at Christmas.

Your responsibility is to your daughter. If you can’t trust him not to upset her he shouldn’t be invited over. You’re highly unreasonable to invite him so you can feel magnanimous but expect other people to mitigate the impact of him being there. Host him yourself, book him accommodation, uninvite him. Those are your options.

towriteyoumustlive · 16/10/2023 09:11

You invited him so you should have discussed any help required before the invite. They're quite entitled to say no...

Perhaps they would chip in to the cost of an Airbnb that he could stay in?

Stompythedinosaur · 16/10/2023 09:13

Why on earth did you invite him? He doesn't sound very nice and you have your dd to focus on.

Your siblings have zero obligation to do anything!

Original poster
Happyface246 · 16/10/2023 16:48

Barrow girl - There’s no need to be nasty. I was just looking for advice.

OP posts:
Ktime · 16/10/2023 16:54

Are siblings expecting you to host Christmas for them as well?

You can’t force them to have dad stay at theirs but you are entitled to not invite them for Christmas if they won’t do their share.

Can you limit your dad to just coming for Christmas Day?

Ktime · 16/10/2023 16:54

Barrowgirl · 16/10/2023 08:21

And the sibling living on her own - no frickin way should she be expected to suck it up.

she may have plans anyway

OP only suggested sibling because she has a spare bedroom, which op doesn’t have.

Barrowgirl · 16/10/2023 16:58

Happyface246 · 16/10/2023 16:48

Barrow girl - There’s no need to be nasty. I was just looking for advice.

Edited

I think you were being unfair on your siblings and clearly the majority agree

and to say you hoped / presumed otherwise is hardly “nasty”

Barrowgirl · 16/10/2023 16:59

Ktime · 16/10/2023 16:54

OP only suggested sibling because she has a spare bedroom, which op doesn’t have.

Show quote history

Irrelevant though whether she lived in a 17 bedroom house

she does not want to invite her unpleasant over to spend Christmas alone with him

and that. Is fair enough

Merryoldgoat · 16/10/2023 17:01

This is a situation of your own making @Happyface246

Put your family first and let him feel the effect of being unpleasant and harsh.

redskytonights · 16/10/2023 17:02

If your dad lives too far away to go home after Christmas lunch (or whenever) and you didn't want him to stay at yours, then I do think you should really have made this very clear when you invited him. Then it would be up to him to make other arrangements or decide not to come. You can't unliterally expect anyone else to spontaneously make an offer you're not prepared to make yourself.

Ktime · 16/10/2023 17:03

Barrowgirl · 16/10/2023 16:59

Irrelevant though whether she lived in a 17 bedroom house

she does not want to invite her unpleasant over to spend Christmas alone with him

and that. Is fair enough

Show quote history

Where has OP said that she hasn’t accepted their decision?

It really depends on what OP’s siblings expect of her. If they expect her to host then OP should tell them to do one if they won’t help.

Barrowgirl · 16/10/2023 17:07

* I need the other siblings to step up as I don’t want my dd having panic attacks*

wwyd?

her siblings don’t want to host him.

end. Of. Clearly op has not accepted this, given… this very thread

BoohooWoohoo · 16/10/2023 17:07

Offering transport is your sibling's version of stepping up.

It is unreasonable to issue an invite without talking to your siblings beforehand to find out what they can offer.

Your siblings aren't unreasonable to not invite someone who is "harsh with his views" to the extent that he might overwhelm your dd. People without diagnosed anxiety also deserve a relaxing Christmas.

Do you cater for your siblings? You wouldn't be unreasonable not to offer that any more.

Barrowgirl · 16/10/2023 17:08

Last time my dad stayed with us we did everything

last time being last year?

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