Damn social media

[tiredanddonein]

DH of 26 years is a volunteer for a charity and needs to get to know people for his role.
However, two weeks ago I clocked that he had been messaging a female volunteer almost every day on messenger or she had been messaging him. These conversations were going on two or three times a day and he had become very chatty with me before and after these messages about random silly things like conversations about the tv or where in the world would you like to live etc.

We're together a lot as I wfh and he doesn't due to illness so it's not hard to notice the amount of phone activity increasing.

I'm at a stage in my life where the kids no longer need me all the time and neither it feels does he. We seems to be drifting apart.

Anyway, I asked him directly if she was a threat to us and he laughed and said of course not. Made out he felt sorry for me thinking that. I would never and all that.....

So I made it clear that the quantity of time and messages made me uncomfortable and that while I believed him that there was nothing going on (and I do) that I'd prefer it if the phone played less of a role in our time together.

Long story short the last two weeks have been hell. I've not been able to focus on anything and he's still tapping away on messenger as much as ever. Last night after asking him who was bothering him on a Sunday evening and him lying about who it was (not for the first time) and then continuing to talk to her I lost it completely.

I told him I knew who he was talking to and that I just can't cope with it. I may be a tad menopausal which isn't helping. He threw a tantrum and pushed his phone at me saying read it. I don't want to read his messages, yes it's driving me crazy not knowing what was said but I'm afraid that if I found he'd been talking about me or our relationship that would be it.

We had one almighty row about it resulting in him slamming his phone down saying there I've blocked her happy now?

Obviously I don't know if that's true or not without checking his phone and I'd have preferred him to have done it because it bothered me and not because he's angry that I caught him.

I was completely honest and said that I'm jealous because I love him as much now as I did at the start of not more and that I feel we're going nowhere fast and that I take some responsibility for that.

I left him on the sofa with a decision to make about whether we stay together or not.

Aibu?

I think you are being slightly unreasonable.

I'm not sure the issues in your relationship can be resolved by asking him not to communicate with his friend altho I do understand why you feel this way.

Perhaps a more productive way of going about things would be to try and spend more time with him in general.. arrange to do something together?
I can see why this has made you feel insecure but I don't think your reaction is going to help. If you know its not romantic and they aren't having an affair then you are jealous of this friendship... perhaps because you feel you would like to have more of a friendship with him? You won't cultivate a friendship with him by being controlling. You will just drive yourselves further apart

It doesn't really matter what he's saying - he's clocked out of the relationship with you and isn't working on your relationship. He's not interested any more. Yanbu

No you are not . You are sat together and he is messaging another woman. You explained it made you uncomfortable and he continued and when (if) he stopped it was out of anger and resentment. Based on what you said id be considering if you do want to stay together.

I would've felt like better as soon as he said you could read the messages. It's a tough one. I have a new male friend that I talk to every day, there's nothing in it. We just get on like a house on fire. I'd feel very put out if I was told I couldn't do this.

The phone use is annoying though and we should all try and be on our phones less. I don't think you're wrong there.

Whst sort of work is he volunteering for? Do you fully support him?

Could he be accused of misconduct, there is a line when dealing with vulnerable people.

Offering to show you messages doesn't mean anything imo, as soon as you say yes then the shift comes onto you and it doesn't mean he would actually show you.

@Tryingtryingandtrying 100% support him in whatever he decides to do. I have no issue with him volunteering.

I think it's reasonable to ask him not to be on his phone when the two of you are having a nice evening together. I also don't blame you for feeling a bit jealous of him and his new female friend, although I'm not sure that making him block her is the right answer.

You say that you're drifting apart and that you have more time now than when the kids were younger, so I think the two of you need to agree to work on your relationship. Make the effort to do fun things together. Focus on the two of you.

@pinkfondu No, nothing like that. Not vulnerable people.

YANBU
He's creating intimacy with ow.
Read just good friends
He's out of Order and leaving the ow on.
He's blocked her time ti move on.

Yanbu. His behaviour isnt ok.

Just to clarify, I haven’t asked him to block her, he’s done that in a temper himself. (Allegedly)
I have asked that it’s not happening under my nose when we’re trying to spend some time together.

He doesn't work due to illness. Is this the first time in years that he has a new friend? Is he lonely or bored at home? It sounds to me like he's finally feeling useful with this volunteering job and the woman could just be a friend. Have you met her? Why don't you invite her for lunch before you make up your mind about whether she's a threat?

Yanbu at all. This is how affairs often start - people focusing all their attention outside of their relationship, sharing all their good things with someone else!

You did all the right things, you explained how you felt, and why you felt that way, asked him to not do it and he's ignored all of your concerns and done it anyway. That he's so angry at the loss of being able to contact another woman all evening, is a sign in itself that how you feel, isn't his priority!

I think you should be seriously considering whether you want to stay with him. He's lucky to have you, not the other way around.

There's a phrase in the book referenced upthread iirc, about whether someone is 'a friend to your marriage'. If they aren't , then your h needs to recognise that and act, if he wants to stay married. If he's checked out and no longer cares, then you are better k owing this now rather than later.

I wouldn't invite her to lunch. You won't be able to tell if she's a threat that way.
Loads of wives have met the person who became the ow socially - it made no difference in the end.

@fedupwithbeinghot Not at all, he’s a very social person and has lots of friends that he talks to, male and female. Males mainly on messenger but he does connect with other female friends on and off.

I think that’s the rub, most of them he’s known for a good while and like most women are busy on with life and so not messaging all the time.

I know damn well that if the tables were turned and I was having an ongoing conversation with frank from number 40 (just an example) about what I’d done today,while he were cooking, cleaning, working etc then I’d be called all the names under the sun.

Although you're irritated by his conversations with someone else you're conscious of distance between you. Asking him to work with you on that seems redundant now as he's gone straight to the guilt card and implying he can't chat to someone else because you did go from irritation to suggesting he's a cheat. Has he cheated before? Where did that come from, just because of some distance seems very extreme.

He'd call you a cheat too? It sounds like it's more than distance between you and there's no trust or respect left

I wouldn't trust that he's blocked her either. Not permanently at any rate. He's thrown his toys out of the pram because it deflects attention and he (subconsciously or otherwise) wants you to feel in the wrong, like you are accusing a completely innocent man, out of nowhere! In reality he knows this is out of order but doesn't want to focus on that bit. Getting angry at you suits him better.

@LadyBird1973 Anger is always the initial default position. I led the conversation with a non accusatory “I feel” to be met with red face and spitting feathers.

“people focusing all their attention outside of their relationship, sharing all their good things with someone else!“ - I think this is what’s concerned me the most.
male conversations tend to be stupid meme sharing and laughing at others misfortune but this is different.

generally when it’s a female conversation he will share snippets with me for my opinion but there’s been nothing like that.

@Conkersinautumn I didn’t actually accuse him of cheating I just asked if I should be concerned about the amount of time he’s spending talking to her as it was impacting on my input to the relationship.

I’m with you, @tiredanddonein. I too would be very uncomfortable with their level of contact, his lying about it, and his dismissiveness/defensiveness when you expressed your discomfort. He is absolutely creating distance between you.

I assume they’ve also had in-person interactions that set the stage, so this will have been going on longer than 2 weeks. He sounds infatuated and
over-invested, and that’s why he’s been buzzing with you before and after chatting with her. Otherwise, he sounds detached from you, and has opened his boundaries to let her in to build emotional intimacy and reliance, often right in front of you. This escalation suggests they’re in emotional affair territory. I echo the suggestion to read Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass.

Even if he did block her, I don’t believe he’ll keep her blocked. That was a showy deflection to throw you off the scent. He is determined to develop their connection and will find a way. I wouldn’t be waiting on him to decide my future.

YANBU

I would feel exactly the same, it's unacceptable behaviour.

I rarely even sit there texting my female friends back and forth! A text to a friend here and there is one thing but I really do think this constant exchange crosses a line.

Male and female seldom start up new friendships and remain that way. It always starts innocently. One or both can develop inappropriate feelings. Even if not acted on, it can have a detrimental effect on your marriage.

Even if your relationship was 100%, I think you'd have a niggle with this. What's more are your current problems, alarm bells should certainly ring.

Dunno why he got so defensive if its all innocent..hes probably entering into an emotional affair atm. Any partner would understand the concern. Would he get arsey with you if you were in this position? Oc he would.
Yep, he offered to show you messages, but believe me, they delete any that can be construed as dodgy...he will have done that as soon as you raised issue, so at some point in future he can throw you his phone.
Theres nothing wrong with messaging work colleagues, but it crosses the line when it is incessant.
My ex started talking and getting excitable after coming off internet...its not like he used to do if he was just on his own with me...he was excited about attention he received from another woman, that's why he was excited and over talking.

generally when it’s a female conversation he will share snippets with me for my opinion but there’s been nothing like that.

So stopping his usual sharing is a behavior change specific to this relationship. They’ve been in a bubble in plain sight and you’re entirely excluded.

Anger is always the initial default position.

That’s not good. It sounds like his M.O. is using anger as a manipulative block to establish an unequal dynamic and shut you down.

He’s employing at least two tactics to sideline you — anger and exclusion. It’s part of an overall devaluation.

@tiredanddonein, what do you know about this OW?