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Original poster

Ds birthday and husband fighting

20 replies

Reeet33 · 15/10/2023 22:36

Youngest DS is turning 5, I have 2 sisters who my kids are close with and we get on very well we get invited every year to my nephew/nieces parties even before we had kids. Both myself and husband are the youngest in our own families. DH also has 2 sisters but difference is we have never been invited to their kids parties and they are not close with our kids. Even my first Christmas as a married couple they didn’t come to MIL get together, our first Christmas as parents they didn’t come either. They basically have nothing to do with our kids only for show they pretend to be close in extended situations.

Every year we fight as I don’t see the point of them being invited. We invited his sisters for 1st and 2nd and they sat there not interacting with anyone with sour and bored looks in their faces. Their kids didn’t play with our kids whereas my nephews/nieces were getting involved.

DH has said again he wants his sisters there. What should I do? The nephews/nieces on DH side are 22, 19, 16 and 14. The party is soft play type. I need at least one of siblings there to help with the party set up, decorations, giving out party bags. I’m socially anxious and having my siblings there helps as I don’t know DS friends parents yet, what would you do? DH has confirmed he spoke to his sisters and them and “kids” can attend.

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CuriousGeorge80 · 15/10/2023 22:42

Well you can’t not invite them, really, if DH wants them there and they can come. Unless they have history of treating you or your children very badly (which looking bored at a kids party is not) then you can’t invite your side of the family and not your husbands without looking like a dick.

Original poster
Reeet33 · 15/10/2023 22:44

@CuriousGeorge80 they not invited us for the 15 years I was married to his brother - didn’t that make them look like dicks? We lived with MIL and she even got invited! When I questioned it they said we don’t have kids so no point us coming. I would have loved to have been invited to feel part of the family. In my family birthdays are big and it’s an excuse to see family. We’re Indians and every celebration is an excuse to get together. They’ve never treated me like family. I would love to have had them if they treated me like I’m their family.

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Original poster
Reeet33 · 15/10/2023 22:48

It used to really upset me when MIL and FIL would mention she’s going to “…” party and not even question why her son and DIL weren’t invited. We struggled to have kids and ended up having IVF. Their words would cut me saying “you don’t have kids, it’s a kids party”. They knew my sisters invited us every year as I lived with MIL so she would always mention they’re going to …,, for .., party.

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Original poster
Reeet33 · 15/10/2023 22:50

It really upsets me that they knew we had struggled to conceive and our first Xmas as parents they didn’t even come to see their niece let alone when she was born!

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Original poster
Reeet33 · 15/10/2023 22:52

They came to see her after everyone else did and said how sad I didn’t have a boy instead! I can’t get over all these years of hurt.

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Original poster
Reeet33 · 15/10/2023 22:53

Sorry I’m getting worked up now! I better get to sleep. Any advice appreciated, I know it’s just 1 day but knowing the background how can I just get over it?

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CuriousGeorge80 · 15/10/2023 22:58

Of course they should have invited you, and it’s shit they didn’t! But if your DH wants to invite them then honestly you will look like a dick if you dont “let” him. Two wrongs don’t make a right etc etc. If they know you are the sort of person who would normally invite everybody (and have invited them in the past) and now you don’t invite them, you will cause a fall out. If that’s what you want, then go for it.

I am genuinely sorry that they were mean to you by not inviting you when you didn’t have children though - that is tough and as somebody who has struggled with fertility I do genuinely understand your torment. You will find other people on here who agree with you not inviting them, I’m sure - it’s just the older I get the more I think why bother falling out with people unless it’s really necessary. To be fair, you may feel the pain they caused you means it is necessary, but just be sure you are ready for the impact (including for your DH).

CuriousGeorge80 · 15/10/2023 22:59

(The more you share the more they sound like total twats by the way, I’m sorry they have been so awful to you).

Original poster
Reeet33 · 15/10/2023 23:01

Thank you. It makes sense. Yes you’re right I should just invite them.

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Original poster
Reeet33 · 15/10/2023 23:03

DH even spoke to them one time how much it would mean to me to be invited as I felt like the outcast just cos I didn’t have kids. He even said I love being around kids and get so happy when we’re around the kids but they still didn’t!

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TeeedleDum · 15/10/2023 23:04

I get why you don't want them there (they sound horrible) but I would just invite them to keep the peace. Sounds like they'll just sit there with sour faces so its not like you'll need to interact with them.

CuriousGeorge80 · 15/10/2023 23:11

I hope the party goes really well OP, whatever you decide

2jacqi · 15/10/2023 23:14

very much doubt a 22 year old will want to come to play at a soft play centre!!

Dramatic · 15/10/2023 23:18

I totally understand your feelings about this, what they did to you is hurtful and they should have invited you. Your DH should be more understanding about it especially since he was also left out too.

However, I do wonder if it's a hill worth dying on, if he really wants to invite them I would maybe let him, there's always the chance they'll turn down the invite anyway

TheSpikySpinosaurus · 15/10/2023 23:18

No. Don't invite them. They are cunts who did not care how you felt before you had Dc.

Leeds2 · 15/10/2023 23:49

Is it possible that the nephew and nieces are looking sulky/not interacting with DD because they don’t actually want to be there but have been forced to attend by their parents? I think it is very odd to ask young adults to a soft play party, but there isn’t really that much you can do if your husband has already invited them.

CandyLeBonBon · 15/10/2023 23:54

I can't imagine any of the teens/young adults wanting to attend a soft play party with a bunch of 5 y/olds? Or have I misunderstood?

And if they do attend, they'll be bored shitless and probably not allowed on the equipment even if they wanted to!

But anyway yes you can't not invite them - but let DH do that, and manage them and you just crack on with you DS's birthday and have a good time!

Banana1979 · 16/10/2023 00:06

Why are adults being invited to soft play just what on earth will they be doing there ? Lol
all this drama over adults coming to soft play

  • weird
  • tell your DH you will arrange another day for them to come and see your kids
saltinesandcoffeecups · 16/10/2023 00:16

Maybe it’s just me but a couple of things stand out…

  • There is a significant age difference between the kids…of course the older ones won’t be interested
  • you’ve invited them they’ve showed up. Job done.
  • your DH wants to invite them… honestly it sounds like they’d be happy not to get the invitation..but they’ve shown up in the past so that’s at least some effort for your DH
  • They we’re more or less doing you a favor by not inviting you to their kids stuff. Honestly that’s my idea of hell. Going to an event centered around somebody’s kids

The real question is at the end of the day what does it matter that you invite them and they sit in a corner?

Original poster
Reeet33 · 16/10/2023 06:45

Thank you everyone. I haven’t been able to sleep just keep thinking about all this. If DH had a sensible discussion everything would be fine but any mention of parties he starts acting like a 5 year old himself and just shouting his family will be there!

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