to wait for Mum to ask before I take my DD for a visit?

[minkulus]

Bit long winded but basically I haven't spoken to my Mum or Sister for over 2 weeks (crappy family arguement, I lost my temper). It was my daughter's birthday last tuesday and I didn't hear anything, so my DH rang my family and made arrangements for them all to see DD on her big day. I had to drop her off and pick her up, but no-one spoke to me....since then, nothing!
Anyway, do i continue to ring and ask if they want to see her on an ongoing basis or do I let them ask?

by not asking you are probably punishing your daughter more than your mum which I'm sure you don't want to do?

id let them ask

would be inclined to wait but can I ask what the argument was about? unfortunately things with families can tend to get out of control very quickly

I would ring them and arrange to see them, not only for your dd, but also to sort out the falling out and the argument, if that's something you want to do?

Thanks for replies.
Monkey - i totally agree which is hurting me far more than being ignored. DD is 3 and so far hasn't asked/ shown interest in Nanny and Grandad.....
dizzy - arguement basically centered on my putting the phone down on my Mum after she bossed me around one too many times so i am sort of in the wrong there, but then sis rang up to have a go and i told her to bog off as well......very long history, too messy and boring really but just felt i had to make a stand.

minkulus am sorry - I don't know why families presume to treat each other the way they do, I certainly have a far from sterling relationship with mine and am just grateful I live over 100miles away so have low expectations

I do hope it sorts itself out

Thankyou for your kind words....I actually feel quite relieved that I am not having to deal with the stuff on a daily basis at the moment, but as I said earlier I am worried for my DD and the effect any long term problems will have on her. The other GPs live overseas so we don't see much of them and we moved here to be near my parents and sister, ironically!

This sounds like a situation that has "come to a head". Assuming you don't want it to turn into to long-running family feud and since you admit you were at least partly in the wrong, why not make the first move to resuming contact? You might be able to use this to "renegotiate" the way you relate to your mum so that you no longer feel that she bosses you about.

minkulus mine are 100miles away and dh's are in ireland and I am struggling with whether or not to move nearer as my mum is ill but everytime I go and visit I come away feeling like such a bag of crap I reaffirm my decision about moving away in the first place. You can either leave it and see if it fizzles out or you can approach her and see if she is ready for a reasonable chat regarding your relationship with her.

its not easy I know

Thank MsH - i know i'm being stubborn in this and it will probably backfire royally, but I have never been able to speak up before. I did try an olive branch shortly after the arguement and was told in no uncertain terms (by my dad) that my mum was annoyed with me and wouldn't come to the phone and that i would have to wait until she let me know when she was ok to talk... I then sent a Mother's day card, as well as a note when my DD went to visit.
I do think i have tried to make an effort, i just haven't called up asking for forgiveness - am i just being too childish!?

Dizzy - one of the reasons for us moving here was mum's ill health and wanting her to have as much time with dd as poss . I too always came home (and still do) feeling really shite...so much baggage, but basically she's a bit of a matriarch and feels we all know nothing! I'm now 37 and feel its time it stopped, but health thing is also playing on my mind. aargh!

no, you're not being childish, not if you've already made all this effort

infact it does sound as if she is being childish

[sigh] when does the parent become the child

minkulus, could you talk to your dad about this? get him to ahve a chat with your mum?
then maybe go round and try and talk to her about it.

The saddest part of all this is how disloyal i feel posting on here! I just cannot think how to move forward except for a grovelling apology and believe me I would NEVER be allowed to forget this! I feel it would be like a pack of animals, i'm let back in but always pushed to the outside so i know my place . I wonder if we are ever able to re -establish boundaries once they have been crossed or if we should just accept them?

what is your relationship like with your sister

I know she phoned and gave you an earful but is that usual or because she'd only heard your mum's side?

In that case, I'd perhaps reiterate that you are prepared to talk to her, that you admit that you were partly wrong but also make clear that there are issues that you want resolved (I'm putting words in your mouth, of course - use or ignore as relevant). If you have made overtures that have been rebuffed, then she is the one who is in danger of making this into a feud. Is there someone else that she will listen to who can put these points to her?

fingerwoman - i might give that a try, but i know he feels scared of her wrath iykwim! when they have fallen out in the past he has always come to my house for a cuppa and a sanctuary, but has never directly referred to 'the trouble' - its as if no one wants to be disloyal. Powerful woman - if only i could get everyone to behave using this method!
also thats what hurt when i dropped of dd, he wouldn't even look me in the face

or maybe you could write your mum a letter saying exactly how you feel and what you'd like to happen and that you don't want this hanging over all of you etc etc.
leave the ball in her court.

You've made much more of an effort than I would have done TBH!
I'm not sure I would like it if my DP had to ring my mum to arrange for her to see my dcs then her ignore me!

There was obviously a reason that you felt that you felt that you had to stand up for yourself, adn maybe they are not used to it and this is their way of maintaining control over you. But they only have that if you give it to them, it doesn't have to be done in an aggressive way, just confidently and quietly.
You can maybe contact your dad to pass a message on saying taht you've done all you're prepared to do, but you'll be happy to speak to your mum when she has calmed down.

Sister has always been OK, and has been supportive in the past, but she and her DH are planning to move in with my parents, and she has ALWAYS taken sides! She also said some really nasty things about my parenting and my DD and DH so i am beyond angry with her I know it all sounds a bit childish, but I am the youngest of the family and have got fed up being treated like the 'baby', especially now i am a mum myself...

Your mum is only a 'powerful woman' because you all give her the power. But you are not a chhild anymore and she cannot excert anymore control over you life or feelings than you allow.

Ah, well if your sister is planning on moving in with your parents then I would expect her to side with you rmum regardless of what she actually thinks. It wouldn't be very comfortable for her if she supported you and went against your mum if she has to live under her roof, so try not to take what she saud too seriously before you've had a chance to talk to her.

agree with 2GIRLS - your sister isn't the way forward here either

why don't you try writing it all down tonight, leave it till the morning then read it all again and see how you feel seeing it all in the plain light of day

maybe some waiting and people not falling over themselves to please your mum might do her some sodding good

sorry

Thank you all for your supportive words and advice. I am going to shoot off to bed now so that i have the energy to look after my DD tomorrow. I will keep all your suggestions in mind and hopefully get to the bottom of this. Bless you all. Night!