Is it me expecting too much from him?

[ExhaustedMummaofapoorlykid]

Hi, AIBU here? Am I expecting too much from DH?
We have a DC with complex health conditions since birth and its not been an easy road to say the least. I happily gave up a 20 year career and being the main bread winner to care for our DC, it was an absolute no brainer for me, what with all of the medical appointments to attend, regularly being admitted into hospital, the round the clock medicines, the medical admin and trying to keep life happy & normal for our beautiful DC. However, DH has never really stepped up to the plate, I won't go into it but I've court summons where he hasn't paid the council tax for months on end and didn't tell me, I found out when the summons came through in the post. It was very much put at my door to bolster the family income while trying to care for our DC, so I took on multiple part time jobs to try and fit in around DC. I did any job I could get and was on minimum wage. It was a real struggle!
Last year DH asked me to return to my career and more meaningful employment on a full time basis because we needed the money. I agreed on the basis that all house hold chores, school runs etc would be shared...alas this has far from transpired. I do everything around the house, all the cooking & cleaning, seeing to all of the pets inc daily dog walks, the majority of the school runs and all of DC's care & medical needs. If I have to go away for work, I'm expected to prep everything for him in my absence and he will still forget to give DC daily medicines, feed the rabbits, I'll come home to days worth or crockery stacked waiting for ME to put in the dishwasher.
Needless to say I'm absolutely exhausted and fed up. I have my own on going health conditions which I'm now neglecting because I can't spin all of the plates. My job is high pressured and I feel like I'm failing, my mental health is taking an absolute battering.
It's Sunday afternoon, we've run out of dishwasher tablets, so I suggested to DH we wash up together to make it quicker, he has refused as he's tired and is watching something on TV. Meanwhile I've spent the day, cleaning, mucking out rabbits, playing with DC, making lunch etc etc.
Am I expecting too much to expect DH to stick to his word and help me more?? He certainly thinks I am!!!! I've even suggested just doing a little bit more would be helpful but I'm totally ignored, meanwhile he sits watching sports and drinking beer....

He’s a cunt.

It's not "helping you", it's being a parent.

Personally I would LTB. I suspect you'd find it much easier on your own.

YANBU.

He’s a father and a partner so should be pulling his weight in keeping up with the housework and childcare.

I am stunned that he received court summons and neglected to tell you. Also that he is being so selfish in the way he is expecting you to run around like a 50s housewife as well as being the breadwinner.

Absolutely no way I’d be putting up with this. Have a word or consider whether it’s worth staying, before any health or financial repercussions.

Thanks for the reply. If I didn't have DC I'd have left long ago...but sadly its not that simple as DC has, at points, needed medical procedures which require two of us to do.
Believe me when I say, I have tried every which way but to communicate with him and tell him this isn't OK, it falls on death ears. If I shout he just leaves the room, if I am too nice it's not taken seriously, any lists drawn up are totally ignored. I'm at my wits end.
I wish I'd never gone back to a full time job

Jesus why do women put us with this shit I have 3 sen children. I stay home take on all house duties and child needs on his work days and cook then on his days off we are 50/50. One of our kiddos is tube fed and another only 8 months old I don't think I've ever heard him whinge just says what can I do can I help. I'd honestly rather be a single parent again (was with my first) then have someone who doesn't even pretend to value or respect me

So what use is he then? Think I'd rather claim everything I could, put in for child support, got rid of the daft twat and be a full time carer than stay in this.

You're going to burn out OP.

He really cannot look after his child on his own and provide the necessary medicine???
i would stop washing his stuff, cooking him dinner, pandering to him.
he asks you to do something? Be busy watching telly.
but I would also Regime some of the pets - this is extra work you don’t really need

What would happen if you resigned from your job and went back to being a full-time carer / housewife / dogsbody? Would it be any worse than the life you have now?

Have you thought of any routes out of your marriage? Have you seen a solicitor for advice?

No, you are not expecting too much. You are expecting your partner to uphold his end of the partnership. You can absolutely leave him. For any medical procedures which need two people, you can probably find some help elsewhere.
Another option is to formally separate while living together. I.e. you do the cleaning and cooking necessary for you and your child, he fends for himself from now on.

Dctr Gabor mate

Ive just found his his videos and Lectures on YouTube op
He basically says that women suffer from 80% of immunosuppressive
Illness's compared to equal with men since it was starting to be logged in the 1930's

He says that we are people pleasers and conditioned To care and solve everyone's problems within the family structure and beyond
That we suppress our fears and need for help so as not to be a nuisance or appear as failures

Op I've been where you are now almost exactly, chronically ill child with around the clock card and no help
Careless and cruel husband who knows you will do it because he won't
You will stop asking eventually

I ran myself in it the ground over Years, I was running a business from hospital
Through the night whilst in there with my now late daughter
The nurses called me super mum and thought I was cool as a cucumber

I'm ill now, chronic fibro and arthritis I cannot regulate my emotions anymore
The menopause and brain fog are killing me, I exist at the moment
In a bubble of self imposed obesity shame and anxiety
The kicker is I'm a qualified Psychotherapist but my memory failed me so spectacularly I had to retire.
I'm back in counselling as of tomorrow, I've booked two hours as the first hour will be panic attack and crying.

You can't carry on like this, something has to give and it will be you
I now suffer from PTSD but that's because of my ex
I'm re married to a wonderful man, I feel I'm ruined now and see no way out
Other than an early death from my weight .

I was the strongest person I knew I could and did handle so much, then I was fucked over very badly and I've never recovered from it

Don't be me, it's not worth it there has to be another way
Anyway I'll stop,wanging on now 💐

Sorry for the jumping about and strange intro I have memory problems and concentration issues

If you genuinely really can’t leave, for practical or financial reasons, I would make your life miles easier and rehome the dog and the rabbits – you cannot do everything and you will burn out. He’s not going to magically change one day, why would he? Especially if he knows you can’t leave. So reduce your workload: no pets. Cook whatever easy meals that suit you and DC; if it’s just as easy to make his, fine, but don’t accommodate hobby nights, tastes, fussiness. He can do his own laundry, buy his own snacks and toiletries instead of you remembering them in the big shop. Get a cleaner if it’s affordable, otherwise do the minimum you can bear. Automate bills to direct debit and just let stuff renew rather than spending time shopping around. Forget his birthday. He’s given up on you; go on strike on him.

Wow @Guiltypleasures001 this was a very moving and powerful reply! Thank you for sharing your experience and journey with me. I will look at Dr Gabor online in bed tonight.
I've been there too, sat by DC hospital bed on a laptop / phone trying to juggle. Then I realised I wasn't helping her or myself and I needed to be present for DC.
I'm glad you now have someone better in your life,makes me realise maybe there's someone out there who might take care of me a bit more.
I think I know where I'm headed but I guess needed to sense check with people who do not know me or the situation to check I'm not being unreasonable x

I voted YABU simply because you continue to put up with this bs and haven’t kicked him out yet.

As a start can you stop doing his washing or cooking for him? I would also make it clear he will have to sort Xmas gifts for his side of the family. Don't make too much effort with cooking, take the easy road. It's not a lot but you need to think carefully about the future.

Hi op

Hands up, honestly I thought nobody else could do it better than me
I was an absolute martyr but also had no choice a lot of the time
It's a viscous circle of needing to control things so you know it's not going to go wrong, I was badly wrong, obviously there were a lot of other factors
Involved . But ultimately everything was on me and I coped, but I can't anymore
Any stress puts me in extreme bone pain and my brain just wants me to sleep
So I end up feeling like I'm under sedation and my speech starts looping and slurring...it's all stress related

Don't sweat the small stuff, start making small changes let go of the things that ultimately can wait or disregarded.
Yoga mindfulness breathing excercises anything even for a few minutes
And talk to everyone and anyone , accept help for everything you can
Start making your plans to fuck him off
My ex died he isnt missed, silver lining an all that 😁🫣

Seriously - separate. Ensure you are then able to claim as much as possible for care for your ds, including use of an additional carer for those times you need someone.

Looking after children, especially SEN children, is hard on your own but you can do it, you're already doing it! In fact, splitting up with your other half will give you one less to look after!

YABU to put up with his/your husband's shit

I always say I'm never going to open these type of threads because they make me so angry. I'm always astonished how many women put up with this shit. As to the medical procedures that require 2 people, you are not the only single parent in that situation, medical help would be available. Just leave

Your life would be so much easier without him. If you need a person to help with medical procedures there are people you can pay to do that. Honestly, just kick him out, he's a drain on you.

If you need a person to help with medical procedures there are people you can pay to do that

This. Will be cheaper and easier than supporting and taking care of an extra person who only adds to your load.

Wow so why is he not working supporting you all? I feel so sorry for you we have a toddler out of 3 toddlers that has disabilities and yep after a discussion I gave up work,hubby took on a few more hours and there you go. Plus he will come home do dishes,cook tea etc infact he will only put his game or phone on to chill once we've got everyone in bed usually about 7:30 and after we've quickly spun hoover about etc. Most mornings I wake to kids breakfasts ready just need milk and my coffee ready just need water and there day clothes laid out which he does before he leaves for work at 5am and even small things like that it's the thought that gives me the energy to carry on

I am not normally a LTB person. But this sounds horrible for you. I would second just looking after you and DC from this point forward. Forget DH laundry or shopping for his bits and bobs. Either a separation will occur naturally without you having to do anything, or he will have an epiphany. But don't count on the latter.