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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I have a right to be mildly upset?

12 replies

Maloneyb · 15/10/2023 07:54

Long story short
got married into a very controlling family some 8 years ago
it was hell. Had to live with inlaws for a bit. Whilst engaged hubby to be’s parents were not nice (considered leaving this situation a few times but talked round by hub) FIL was controlling and a total bridezilla (about my wedding) and MIL was cold and unengaged. Wanted nothing to do with me.
had a rough time living with them after marriage. Finally managed to move out on very little finances (they would take what was ours which sucked, all the cards with money from weddin etc.)

anyway, fast forward to now. Husbands brother is getting married. They are not controlling the wedding plans.
the girl hangs out with MIL and FIL regularly (something they wouldn’t do with me as much as tried )

the brothers are v diff. Mine softer and the brother more assertive and opinionated.

I know it was 8 years ago but do I have a right to feel like I do?
im so glad they don’t treat her the same way they treated me - I wouldn’t want anyone to go through it. But it does upset me that they were so awful with me and now the other brother gets away with whatever!

OP posts:
Kate9423 · 15/10/2023 07:57

I'd be cutting them off completely for my own sanity.

Original poster
Maloneyb · 15/10/2023 08:00

Kate9423 · 15/10/2023 07:57

I'd be cutting them off completely for my own sanity.

I’ve tried but DH doesn’t want to.
it’s an absolute nightmare but over time I’ve found ways to deal with them better with boundaries 🙃

OP posts:
Antst · 15/10/2023 08:11

Yes, of course you can feel upset if you feel like you've been treated unfairly. Who knows--maybe they learned their lesson when their behaviour caused problems with you and have adjusted their behaviour as a result.

But you also need to realize that you have agency.

  • The blood relative should always be the one to interact with the parents about any problems. So if your husband's brother is willing to advocate for himself and his girlfriend, but yours is not, then that's a problem between you and your husband.
  • If you hated living with the in-laws, then you didn't have to live with them. You could have delayed the wedding or found some other accommodation, even if you had to live apart from your husband. Your husband could have advocated for you.
  • If the in-laws won't hang out with you, then you should talk to your husband to find out why. Maybe they have a problem with you.

This is clearly still a problem. You need to talk to your husband about it because the biggest problem is between you and him. Maybe you need a mediator to decide whether or not to solve this problem with his parents (because of the effect it is having on your marriage) and how to go about it.

bozzabollix · 15/10/2023 08:14

One brother has strong boundaries, the other hasn’t. That’s the issue. Not that you should need them with family, but obviously do with this lot.

Original poster
Maloneyb · 15/10/2023 08:15

Antst · 15/10/2023 08:11

Yes, of course you can feel upset if you feel like you've been treated unfairly. Who knows--maybe they learned their lesson when their behaviour caused problems with you and have adjusted their behaviour as a result.

But you also need to realize that you have agency.

  • The blood relative should always be the one to interact with the parents about any problems. So if your husband's brother is willing to advocate for himself and his girlfriend, but yours is not, then that's a problem between you and your husband.
  • If you hated living with the in-laws, then you didn't have to live with them. You could have delayed the wedding or found some other accommodation, even if you had to live apart from your husband. Your husband could have advocated for you.
  • If the in-laws won't hang out with you, then you should talk to your husband to find out why. Maybe they have a problem with you.

This is clearly still a problem. You need to talk to your husband about it because the biggest problem is between you and him. Maybe you need a mediator to decide whether or not to solve this problem with his parents (because of the effect it is having on your marriage) and how to go about it.

Thanks!
yes totally take on board your points and we have discussed this as a couple, he is aware it’s his responsibility
Living in a house where this behaviour was normal = he was conditioned to thjnk the behaviour was normal

weve turned a huge corner recently where he does step up and now we have
a kid… we don’t take any sh*t from them at all

OP posts:
Kate9423 · 15/10/2023 08:16

Just because your DH doesn't want to cut them off doesn't mean you can't. You are two individual people.
My in laws cause me so much stress that I don't bother anymore apart from perhaps once a year for an hour. My DH can see them whenever he likes if he wishes to...just without me.

Life isn't worth the stress and upset from toxic people.

Original poster
Maloneyb · 15/10/2023 08:17

bozzabollix · 15/10/2023 08:14

One brother has strong boundaries, the other hasn’t. That’s the issue. Not that you should need them with family, but obviously do with this lot.

This will sound awful but they favour the one because he has decided to live with them - forever lol.
He wants the inheritance etc. and my DH doesn’t think that way..!

OP posts:
TheYear2000 · 15/10/2023 08:19

But they sound awful! I'm surprised you sound envious of new SIL hanging out with them?
Maybe they have more in common or they are pretending to be nicer to her. I wouldn't lose sleep over it. I doubt you would trust them if they suddenly starting behaving nicely to you, as it would be such a huge switch?
It does sound like you need to work out how to have them in your lives in a way that isn't upsetting for you if you and your partner don't want to stop speaking to them. But I do think perhaps you need to accept that there's a personality clash and they're never going to be the kind of in laws you'd like, as it only hurts you to be upset by them and you have no power to change them.

WeeStyleIcon · 15/10/2023 08:19

They stole money in wedding cards, wow, that is awful :-(
I agree with advice above. They sound awful and it bo wonder you're upset.
Your H needs to stand up for you both.

Antst · 15/10/2023 08:20

Maloneyb · 15/10/2023 08:15

Thanks!
yes totally take on board your points and we have discussed this as a couple, he is aware it’s his responsibility
Living in a house where this behaviour was normal = he was conditioned to thjnk the behaviour was normal

weve turned a huge corner recently where he does step up and now we have
a kid… we don’t take any sh*t from them at all

Show quote history

I'm so glad to hear that! My heart sank when I read your post because it's rare that a spouse who won't manage problems between the parents and the other spouse turns things around.

I think you'll find that because of his change in attitude, this situation will improve. You'll feel less annoyed about what has happened in the past because you'll see that he is stepping up. And maybe his new assertiveness will make his parents feel like they have to behave at a higher standard towards you. GOod luck.

Original poster
Maloneyb · 15/10/2023 08:24

TheYear2000 · 15/10/2023 08:19

But they sound awful! I'm surprised you sound envious of new SIL hanging out with them?
Maybe they have more in common or they are pretending to be nicer to her. I wouldn't lose sleep over it. I doubt you would trust them if they suddenly starting behaving nicely to you, as it would be such a huge switch?
It does sound like you need to work out how to have them in your lives in a way that isn't upsetting for you if you and your partner don't want to stop speaking to them. But I do think perhaps you need to accept that there's a personality clash and they're never going to be the kind of in laws you'd like, as it only hurts you to be upset by them and you have no power to change them.

I think I’m over wanting to hang out with them, but before we got married I’d have loved to have known what MIL was like. I’d be more prepared.
I think it was hardest going from such a loving environment and circle to a cold controlling one.

but honestly, we’re doing ok now, I just have some bitterness about the situation and DH tells me I shouldn’t but I’m glad you are all with me on this that I do have a right to be a bit upset!

OP posts:
LadyBird1973 · 15/10/2023 08:47

They stole from you - personally I'd be wanting that back before I'd even entertain so much as having a conversation with them!
I wouldn't be going anywhere near them and neither would my child. Your dh has a right to see them if he wants but tbh is he massively resentful about it, under the circumstances.

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