Partners Ex Lying to CMS

[Banana1979]

I have told my partner that issues relating to his ex wife are none of my business
for the past 2 week he has been quite down because she has told the CMS their child never stays with him and he is now having to pay her £400 a month in maintenance, however his child actually stays with him on average 3 days a week . the CMS have said they need evidence his child stays with him 3 nights so he has to continue to pay
.
I’ve told him to get a child arrangements order or a consent order which sets out childcare between them both and would be proof however this costs money And because he is paying 400 a month he cannot afford to get an order
I then told him to rent out one of the spare bedroom he has in his flat in order to help pay for the fees, he then said she constantly changes the days that he sees his son at short notice which, of course puts his employment in jeopardy . I have been with him for 2 1/2 years.
I’ve told him that I’ve said enough and I don’t want to get involved or offer any more advice as it stresses me out And It’s not my business- however he is my partner and I don’t want to be nonsupportive.

Am I being unreasonable to tell him that he would need to seek advice about this elsewhere? Is it the whole point of a partner to be supportive in all situations? Am I being horrible? it really upsets me to see him like this, and I just can’t deal with any extra trauma right now but I don’t want to abandon somebody who is clearly emotionally upset . I am neuro diverse and situations like this really set me off badly.

he is a lovely man, very caring and kind , extremely loving, and I feel awful for telling him that this is none of my business, but at the same time, I don’t want him to think that I’m horrible unsupportive gf I just don’t know what to do

You knew he was a dad when you met him. YABU

There will be another side to this. He might not be as lovely a mam as you think.

I’d get your DP to take a photo every day that he has his child which will then be date stamped so that he can evidence when he has his child

I have to be honest, although I sympathise, you seem a bit "Your problem mate, I just want the good stuff".

He has an ex and a child, this was never going to be easy. If you cant take this then you definitely wont manage the teen years when it gets really tough.

Maybe what you need is a boyfriend who hasnt got kids and can be focussed on the fun stuff the same as you. You are not in the right place to be in this relationship I think.

AS for him, direct him to Gingerbread, they have good advice and will be able to help him further.

I want to help him- the last time I wrote this on here everyone was telling me it was none of my business
I want to be there to support him, but I don’t want to get involved in the drama between him and his ex
I have an 8 year old to deal with , I work full time, and this situation has been ongoing a few months after we met
I have tried to support him with it, and I think she has cottoned on, and he has said she she has started calling Me names whilst they argue over text for god knows why other than that I am his gf. She lives with her new partner.
I cannot give any other advice other than I have already that he needs to get a CMO from the court if you want to concrete evidence for the CMS, and to have proper child contact arrangement in place
taking a date stamped picture every day his child stays over there is not evidence according to the CMS. He has even mention to her giving false information to the CMS is an offence.
of course I want to be supportive -this is an every day issue for him. I don’t just want to be around for the fun stuff
however this is taking over the relationship and it’s becoming difficult to focus on anything else
The father of my DD has been difficult. However, we have come to a mutual arrangement in regards to Childcare and I have encouraged him to do the same but short of counselling him, and being an emotional crutch, I don’t know what else I should do about this Situation. Last night I was up until after 3 am fretting about it.

my job at Work is also pretty stressful and I’m being stressed out at work. I’ve been stressed out by the situation with him and I’m trying to avoid being stressed out in front of my daughter
And having BPD on top of being autistic , Everything just seems so much worse. Emotions are much more intense for people with BPD, and I’m starting to think it’s the end of the world every day

Yeah I'd tell him he either has to go to mediation at least or you don't want to hear it. He has options he's not helping himself just moaning

Or he can have a 30 minute slot every weekend to discuss it with you then that's it

@happylittlesloth I’m not sure if that was meant to be a dig however he can talk to me about the situation ,mIt is just becoming a bit much for me hence why I said I think he needs to go and do what I said and not discuss it anymore- because I don’t know what else to suggest.

What does he provide for his child?

@Nousernamesleftatall £400 maintenance, a room at home, picks him up from school on his days and other days , just what a normal non resident parent would do

Does he have his child overnight or is it just after school for tea?

Because I think for CMS purpose it's overnights that count.

@margotrose he has him three nights a week. I did say this in my original post. X

You can fake photo dates so that idea won't work but didn't he ask what constitutes acceptable proof?

Yes, I know - but lots of people say "he sees him three nights a week" to mean "he comes for tea three nights a week" or similar. If it's actual overnights and he sleeps round there, then that's a bit different.

@BoohooWoohoo they said the only acceptable proof is a legally binding consent order or CMO

@margotrose he does actually stay there three days a week

If he refuses to save, or to rent out his spare room in order to get money to go to court, he has no right to whinge. He’s choosing this. Focus on your own kid. Having a boyfriend is meant to be fun and enhance your life.

CMS have given him wrong advice. He doesn’t need a CAO. There is other evidence he can get, but the reality is CMS will not even accept a court order in some cases. I am a solicitor and help clients through the appeal tribunal over issues such as this.

@Collaborate thank you. I will let him know this.!

No not a dig at all! I genuinely meant it. When my DH wants to ramble on about something that he regularly drains my brain battery with I tell him I have 15 minutes to talk to him about it and will listen and outside that I don't want to hear anything about it. I know it sounds weird but it's the only way I can cope - scheduling in some time

There’s literally no way they’ll accept that. They have to be overnight stays for it to even count.

My husband has had this before with the ex. The ex can say whatever she likes and they just accept it, he has to provide proof. He’s just given up now.

You seem to do a lot of telling. I would tell anyone telling me so much to fuck off.

@Honeychickpea you can fuck off too, nobody asked for a dumb opinion you immature idiot