Am I being selfish for wanting to split?

[HappyCamperTent]

My dh was in a bad car accident last dec. The last year has been hard mentally, financially, emotionally. With injuries and surgery and his mental health, financial worries.

I’ve been supportive through out both physically with driving and physio but also as a listening ear for all the rants/discussions he’s retelling that he’s had with various professionals.

But I’m at the point were In burnt out myself. I’m working full time. Dh isn’t working but he’s active enough to go for walks and cook dinner and tidy. But 9 times out of 10 I come home to a shit hole, him having done nothing all day except mope… we think he’s depressed. Dog needs walking, dinner needs cooking.

It was my daughters birthday yesterday and he’s done nothing to help prep. I’ve been stressed with over loading at work atm and we had a big argument.

I tried to tell him how I’m feeling but he has a go at me saying I always turn it around on myself.

I know it’s been tough, but I’m getting blocked care. I just want to walk away…. It’s been a year of him!

I don't think you're being unreasonable to be burnt out/want change.

Yes, he has been through something awful but it that doesn't mean you should have to adopt the role of carer/do everything.

If he may be depressed, he needs to get help with this through his GP.

What has happened with his job? Obviously, I am guessing his injuries were serious so he may not be able to return to that, but is he now able to look for something else?

Can you try to find a time when things are calm and discuss the future with him? What does he feel needs to happen next etc?

Have you sat him down and told him how this is all making you feel and that you are considering leaving as a result?

I have a friend who's in a similar position, she ended up telling her dh that he needed to see a gp about his mental health, but also step up with regards to child rearing/ cooking and house work. To his credit he's done all this and they are both happier. But when she told him she was considering leaving if he didn't change, she 100"% meant it. I think if you say something like that, you need to really mean it!

What's the plan? Is there a timescale for him getting back to work?

I think you should work through it and even separate but with a view to coming back together

I’m treading on egg shells! If I try to mention it he becomes very defensive.

He says it’s not his fault he’s feeling like this/that he’s been through this. I get that the accident wasn’t his fault but he’s not the only one in this family.

He hasn’t once in the past year asked how I am, or what my day was like. And if I try to talk about me he’s just not listening and turns out around on him.

He’s been to the gp, but refuses to take meds. He thinks he can work through it… using me as the sounding board

He’s still employed but the job is physical so he can’t do it.

He can’t look for alternative work. We’re receiving interim compensation payments to pay the mortgage with

As a minimum, you're entitled to a discussion about how you feel, and what plans you can put in place.

He's obviously had an awful time, but this has happened to both of you.

I would tell him you need to get through this as a team. What exactly do you want from him? Make a list. Tell him your expectations.

Is he the father of your daughter?

It's a tough situation and I'm v sympathetic to that

I also think that the marriage vows to support each other in sickness and in health are more than words

I'd like to think that I would be able to support my DH through this, however difficult

But, I do acknowledge I haven't walked in your shoes

The key for me here @NeedToChangeName is 'support each other'.

They have to be able to talk and plan together. The OP is totally reasonable to want to discuss her feelings too.

Especially in light of the fact that her dh is declining treatment for depression. He has to help himself.