Losing temper with my mum

[2inabed]

It's quite long so will try and only keep in the important bits.

She was single when I was born and it was just her, me and my older brother. We had the best live and was very close. She met someone when I was 7 and moved to his house and it all went down hill from there. He is a narcissist. Completely took over my childhood my mum made no decisions over me from the moment they met. But my mum let him get away with it. He was emotionally and psychologically abusive and is still like this with my mum. A few things he did when I was younger
. Made me eat a Chinese meal even though I didn't like it, I was sick on the plate and he mixed it together and tried to force me it I had to run under the table to get away.

.he asked me for a hug when he lied on the floor in the living room. I had a massive thick dressing gown on but then wouldn't let me go. He squeezed me and my heavily pregnant mum had to squat over us and drag me from him. I was screaming so loud the neighbours asked me the next day what was going on.

. He'd come in at night and stand at the door to check I was asleep

. I couldn't have a friend round unless I changed my second name to his by deed poll

There's loads of other stuff. But the problem is as I get older I'm in my 30's now I can't forgive my mum for letting this happen. Everything she does is annoying me. I can't tell her anything because she tells everyone else. She does do a lot for me and daughter and I appreciate it but I really think the anger I've got from growing up and her letting this man ruin my childhood is making me just want to push her away.

When we're having conversations she gets everything wrong. I can tell her something and then will go and tell that person what I said and then will say oh I forgot etc. we will make plans and she will give me times then make it my fault that she changed the time and didn't tell me. I've got so so much anger towards her.

Sorry it's long I needed to get this out somewhere .

Gosh that's horrific OP, I'm sorry that happened to you. I don't think there is any excuse tbh and I would be going low or even no contact.

I really really want to but I know my daughter will miss her and I think I would after a while.

I just want to add as well anything me or my daughter so that's good is always pulled down by why didnt you do this instead. I had my work appraisal and it was great feedback but I told them and they started telling me what I should of said they couldn't say well done that's great.

I just don't know what to do

I’m sorry to hear this @2inabed unfortunately I am a mother that has been guilty letting a narc man into my life and him controlling my daughter as well as me.
It has all come out now that he is dead.
I really did try to stand up for my DD. Constant arguments about what she could do or not. No friends for sleepovers as he was OCD. I wasn’t allowed to invite friends over either. No using the kitchen for cooking (that was for both of us).
He went away for work for 4 weeks and we had the greatest time - friends over and baking.
If I wanted time alone with DD there would be a problem.
He wouldn’t let her drive alone for the first month after she passed her test.
I’m scared the damage is done. We have a very difficult relationship now and I want to fix it as she is all I have.
I’m hoping we can get some family therapy together so that I can also put my side across and how much I was controlled by him. If we try to have these conversations together it ends up very heated and we both get upset.
I’m sorry that your DM will not accept what her choice in partner did to your childhood.

Thanks for your point of view. At least you have admitted to what it was like. If I bring it up to my mum she says she hates herself but doesn't want to talk about it but I do get angry and nasty about it. Family therapy is good idea.

I have no experience of the type of upbringing you had, sounds awful.

But going forward, if you want your own child to have a relationship with your mum, then you can't go NC, but you can adjust the interactions you have with her.

Don't tell her anything personal or mention any plans you may have unless you absolutely have to, and then only the bare minimum.

As your own child grows up, if you are still in contact with her, then maybe you can use your parenting style as a way to point out how you felt. So if mum comments disagrees with something, you can say "but you did such-and-such and it made me feel very angry/scared/vulnerable etc"

Your anger towards her is understandable, but will weigh you down, whether you go NC or not. Some talking therapy/counselling to talk through it would be great if you can access any, but you might have to pay privately.

@NCparents Please get therapy for yourself before considering family therapy.

I had a horrible upbringing (currently going through trauma counselling). My mother did exactly what you describe
so that I can also put my side across and how much I was controlled by him

I was absolutely furious when she started spinning her story about how bad it was for her. All I heard was excuses about how I should forgive her for everything and feel sorry for her and she effectively wasn't responsible. I was a child and she didn't protect me. The only innocent people in this are the children. I do feel for you (and my own mother on some level), but you need to deal with that yourself. Family therapy would be to fix the damage you allowed to be done to the relationship between you and your daughter. You need to heal the damage done to you by the narcissist separately in advance.

@Curiosity101 I have already done that plus I am also dealing with a narc mother hence the username.

I don't say this very often, but I think you need to consider going no contact.
At least say you and your DD are NC with him. Tell your mother why and say if she wants to improve your perception of her, she needs to make the effort. Do it for the little girl you were and for your DD.

Your all right about trying nc. My step dad has tried to control my daughter when I've not been there but I'm so proud of her because she actually stands up for herself (she's 12) he tried making her sit in the front of the car a few months and she doesn't like sitting at the front so he said either sit in the front or walk so she got out the back and started to walk. Another time he tried making her wash her teeth in the Downstairs toilet because my mum was taking her the dentist. For no reason did she need to use the Downstairs toilet but he was trying to force her but she walked straight past him and went upstairs. We don't go to their house anymore and my daughter is never alone with him.

She does flip it on my when I've tried talking to her. I sat her down a few week ago and said I don't want to argue but you can't keep going on like this and telling people things and saying you forget. It's the same excuse over and over and she just sits there oh it's my fault again and has a sad look on her face. I'm just so exhausted.

I really really want to but I know my daughter will miss her and I think I would after a while.

DO NOT run even the slightest risk of your DD being put through what you were. DD might miss her in the short term, but it's nothing to the trauma she'd go through if they tried any of those things on her. NC is the only way to go to keep your DD safe.

Your daughter is old enough to understand why she will no longer be able to see your mother, I’d definitely never have my child around someone like him, and no way would I ever want to call him my step dad, he’s your mother’s husband, no relate to you

My mum doesn't stand for him trying to control my daughter she really stands up to him which I think she is trying to make up for not doing the same for me. But she doesn't see or isn't around my mums husband and I only see him if I really have to.

It's hard because she was a victim too but also you don't have to forgive her.

Did you change your name once you were an adult?