To think this behaviour isn't normal?

[Skylaar]

I'm praying it's not because if it is, I will genuinely have a breakdown as it is too overwhelming to come with.

My DD is 17 months and is, and always has been, a velcro child with me and only me. Spends plenty of 1-2-1 time with dad and GM, but it makes no difference to just how attached she is to me.

I cannot put her down literally next to me to go to the toilet. I cannot put her in her learning tower so that she is 5cm away from me whilst I make food. I cannot walk halfway across the room to get something. I cannot have a shower. I cannot lie her down to change her nappy. Literally anything that involves a momentary physical separation from within my arms leads to complete dysregulation that I then literally cannot soothe without breastfeeding. Any attempt to speak, pat, shush, hug, or general comfort winds her up even further. She will scream, and I mean ear piercing, blood curdling scream, and cry so hard she will make herself sick.

This is happening throughout the day, every day. It is just getting worse. I have lost it at her a few times and shouted because it has ground me down so much that on the 7th meltdown of the day I just do not have the energy to keep myself calm. It doesn't make a difference, it just makes her cry more. Ignoring her doesn't work, again she just escalates and usually ends up hurting herself. She won't always eat much because I've had to breastfeed her that many times to calm her back down.

Please don't tell me to stop breastfeeding, if I didn't have that to console her I think I genuinely would put a window through in sheer frustration and desperation for her to give me a break.

Is this really normal?

I’ve no idea if it’s normal or not but I’d be looking to implement a short amount of daily childcare with someone else because you are (understandably) at the end of your rope.

No it isn't. Neurodiversity starts at birth and behaviour like this can be the first signs. I haven't got any advice because I just had to go with it with my eldest, later diagnosed with ADHD and dyslexia etc. My youngest, who is autistic got a bit better at 3. She went to school ok.

I remember the first time I read on MN that “high needs” babies are often neurodivergent. My stomach lurched. But it’s true and my babies were, although it took many years to figure that out.

Trust your gut. No, it doesn’t sound normal. You are having a really miserable, really difficult time. I wish people around me had acknowledged how difficult my days were when my kids were little. I blamed myself for not being able to cope with motherhood. It wasn’t that. My children really were different!

Sending love 💐

DP has her on days he is off and then any days both DP and I work, DD goes to GPs. She spends probably 1 full day and another 2 afternoons a week away from me. Unfortunately we cannot afford nursery. You're right though, I am. I love her more than anything but I massively underestimated how m2"
4uch being a parent would take it out of me. I've never spoken to another mum who's described their DC as being this intense. Even DP comments frequently about how it's not normal.

OP can you ask your HV for advice. This sounds really difficult. Is she like that with others when you're not around?

I said it when she was a baby because she used to make a sound continuously that was like a stim. She still does it now both at night and when eating. I don't want to believe it either, but there's a few other things that again, I'm pretty sure are not normal. Although according to the M-CHAT test, she's not suggestive of it.

She can be very reluctant to be put down by GM sometimes, but doesn't go into a full meltdown if she has to be from my understanding.

She is exactly the same with me when other people are around (say DP and I are both home) but it's almost exclusively behaviour that occurs with me. I know children "play up" for their mothers but it just feels so extreme (and extremely different to when she's with other people).

Screeners like the MCHAT are a very imprecise art. My daughter never raised any red flags with a single professional, from HV to preschool to school. Only diagnosed at 9 after I spent months of research and realised she ticked almost every box for a girl with autism.

No speech delay (precocious speech actually), seemingly socially confident (actually quite socially unaware - she was a bit of a bulldozer who didn’t understand social cues).

Looking back I could see the signs were there right back to before her first birthday. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

It's a bit early yet I know but mine is the opposite. No speech (says her own thing but no words/attempt to copy words despite insanely good understanding), socially awkward (will just stand and watch other children rather than play herself). I agree completely about hindsight.

No, OP, it's not normal.

Please reach out to your GP and discuss both of you.

Honestly, if you put her down in a safe place and walked away behind a closed door for 5 minutes. Yes, she'd scream bloody murder, but no real harm will come to her. That is better, and safer, than you screaming back in (understandable!) frustration.

Mine was similarly Velcro. Better sort of now he’s 3.5.

Nursery helps.

I really wish this helped me but it's her relentless screaming and crying is what triggers me, so I feel like all I would do if I weren't with her is physically release some of the frustration (punch/throw something/scream myself). I don't mean to sound like a twat when I say that, that's just the point it gets to.

She's just had a meltdown on the way home because she couldn't come and sit on me whilst I was driving. We get back and I unclip her seat belts and she's there just arching her back repeatedly in her seat and refusing to get out, screaming. 😔

You don’t sound like a twat. I get it - I’ve been there. It’s so fucking hard. I was driven to the brink, screaming into pillows. It’s actually quite scary to look back on those days. Not that I was ever at risk of losing my cool and harming my child. I think I mostly internalised my distress and thought I was going mad.

I even went to the GP once and asked for antidepressants. I think I said something like “I don’t know whether the problem is me, or whether my child is just really, really difficult, but I can’t cope”. She recommended I have counselling instead of meds. I thought “How the hell will talking about my difficult child make any difference?” And besides, I would have needed to find childcare. I never went back.

I’ve already said this but I’ll say it again: trust your gut. I am quite angry about how everyone gaslit me at every turn - “It’s normal! All kids are like that!” So if you reach a point where you think you need to paediatrician, don’t let people put you off.

You even see it on MN. Someone could post that they’re concerned about their child’s behaviours, and list every stereotypical autistic trait there is, and more than half of the responses would be “Sounds normal OP” 😩