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Original poster

To contact ex in prison to get closure?

32 replies

disneylover90 · 14/10/2023 00:04

I have dual UK/US citizenship and relocated with my employment to the US from the UK in 2015 and met and fell in love with my now ex in 2017.

He completely gaslighted me and lied about so many things from being married ( he was separated from his wife but told me he had never been married) having seven plus kids, having multiple girlfriends etc, the list goes on.

We even got matching tattoos on our wedding finger when he proposed to me.
He was so charming at first, it all changed when he moved in with me.

He would stay out all night, constantly be on his phone, drink all the time, abuse me and he truly was a nightmare.

The breaking point came when we was in bed one night and I caught him browsing POF.

I was beyond heartbroken.

I tried to leave him so many times.

He than broke my phone and basically kept me a prisoner and I found out that he was a convicted felon and was a drug dealer.

He would verbally abuse me, put a gun to my head and hit me when he was drunk.

He would get "his people" to come to the house to watch me whilst he would be on the streets dealing or with other woman.

I lost my job and was only allowed to contact family on Facebook under his supervision.

I finally managed to escape in early 2018 with the help of his best friends wife.

I flew back to the UK and tried to repair my life, it was so hard as I was so in love with him once.

Anyway a month after I left he was living with another girl who died 6 weeks after relocating from her state to get a place with him.

I didn't think anything of it as the girl apparently had a heart problem.

Fast forward to August 2021 I get an phone call from a special agent at Homeland and Security telling me that they would like to speak to me in relation to my ex.

Apparently I was his first girlfriend after he was released in prison in 2015.

There has been an incident when I called the police from a neighbours phone when he broke my phone but no charges were ever filed.

He had previously served a 9 year sentence for multiple charges mainly involving drugs, weapon under disability and domestic violence.

My ex was again in prison for more drug related charges.
I than find out that my ex had murdered three people in all drug related crimes.

I couldn't believe it and this really put me on a downward spiral, I thought maybe I should of reported him for him kidnapping me and maybe them innocent people he murdered would still be alive.

I believe is trial is coming up and he may potentially face the death penalty, he has like 10 charges on him.

I always wonder why he spared my life as he would often tell me that I would be easy to kill as nobody would realise I was missing due to me being on foreign land.

I always thought he was just trying to scare me.

It has played on my mind for two years now and I would just like to get closure from all this as I feel so guilty.

I am now in a relationship with a wonderful
man who is really supportive and totally the opposite of my ex.

Would it be unreasonable to contact him to get some answers or is it better just left alone?

OP posts:
MoonlightMuse · 14/10/2023 00:07

I would leave it alone. There isn’t anything he can say to give you closure. He doesn’t sound like the type to apologise or recognise he was wrong. You survived, you got away- to me, that would be enough.

BarbieKew · 14/10/2023 00:11

I agree, nothing he says will be convincing enough for any closure for you. He’s a liar, a cheat, a dealer, an abuser. You had a lucky escape, just let the courts deal with it.

theduchessofspork · 14/10/2023 00:12

Bloody hell OP

No do not contact him, he sounds positively evil. Nothing he says will have any meaning or logic. Some people are just born to hang.

I hope you life is much better from now on. Keep looking forward not back.

Mmhmmn · 14/10/2023 00:17

Better left alone re. contacting him. If you need closure that much (understandably - it sounds highly traumatic and narrow escape), then speaking to a therapist would be more constructive and helpful for you personally.

INTERNETEXPL0RER · 14/10/2023 00:19

he has no answers for you , don’t contact him.
speak to a therapist , that will help you a lot more.

Bearonthestair · 14/10/2023 00:21

I'd leave it alone. You are safe now.
Sorry for everything you went through.

FiddleLeaf · 14/10/2023 00:24

You won’t get any answers, I promise you.

I think closure can be an internal choice anyway.

Original poster
disneylover90 · 14/10/2023 00:26

Yes it probably would open up old wounds contacting him as he really did mentally mess me up.

I just have a lot of unanswered questions.
But I appreciate given the fact he is a compulsive liar nothing he would say would be the truth anyway

Only my parents, sister and best friend know what I went through and they don't like to talk about it as it upsets them.

I probably think talking to a therapist would help, when I returned to the UK I just tried/ wanted to forget about it was only when I got that call in 2021 that all those memories came flooding back.

I feel nothing for him and I hope he is punished for his evil crimes.

OP posts:
VerticalSausages · 14/10/2023 00:30

Your OP is a long tale of trauma and abuse, ending with a simple question to which in your heart you must already know the answer. Draw a line. Stop fantasising that any good would come from contacting him. Sounds like your current relationship is completely different. Focus on that. Let the past go.

AcrossthePond55 · 14/10/2023 00:32

Good God, NO! Find a good counselor and work through your unanswered questions. I daresay you'll find you already know the answers, they're just buried.

What would you think you'd gain from him? He's a liar and a murderer. You couldn't believe one word that came out of his mouth. And it might open a door that you really don't want opened!

Pokinganose · 14/10/2023 00:50

No, even if you spoke to him, you couldn't be sure if what he told you was the truth. It may just be luck that you were spared. He probably couldnt even tell you himself why he did the things he's done. Thres probably no logic there. Perhaps if you hadn't escaped without help then you wouldn't have survived. Doesn't mean to say any of what happened after then was your fault. It may even be that he's murdered before and just not got caught.
Live your life, be grateful that you're happy and safe now. Let go. Don't look back.

Fionaville · 14/10/2023 00:55

Absolutely not! He will just lie and manipulate you. He will either say really cruel and evil things to you, which will hurt you. Or he will love bomb you and potentially stir some feelings in you, despite you thinking that could never happen.
Either way it will be disastrous for you. There is no closure to be had with somebody like that.

NewName122 · 14/10/2023 01:01

You would be very unreasonable to contact him yes.

lilmishap · 14/10/2023 01:27

Nope it would only worry the people in your life.
He's your scary story now. That's all he is.

junbean · 14/10/2023 02:16

I would contact a therapist! You will retrauamatize yourself talking to him, don't do it! Focus on your healing.

Cather1ne · 14/10/2023 02:30

Gosh I’m so sorry you went through that! Definitely don’t contact him. I escaped an abusive relationship and went through a stage of considering contacting him, or writing a letter. I’m so glad I didn’t! Abusive men rarely feel compassion, guilt and the usual normal emotions. I would’ve just got excuses and lies. Then I would’ve felt worse as abuse can’t be excused.

This past year I’ve been seeing a domestic violence counsellor who has really helped me process everything. She has allowed me to let go of the guilt/shame etc. I would highly recommend counselling.

Hottytotty · 14/10/2023 02:40

I’d write down all your questions, and then go through them with a counsellor. You absolutely need to talk about this but NOT with him.
You’ve done amazingly to get away and build a new life so you’re clearly a strong person, but you’re also vulnerable. Don’t let him back in.

Newnamehiwhodis · 14/10/2023 02:49

He is a psychopath who has killed people. Anything he could say will not give you the closure you’re looking for - therapy will help you find what you need in yourself.

contacting him in any way could give him an opening to hurt you more, which is what he seems to enjoy.

don’t do this to yourself. You deserve to heal, and reaching out to the one who hurt you (and killed others) isn’t the way to heal.

he can’t give you any truths - all he could tell you is more messed up stuff from a completely unreliable mind and an unkind heart.

Rainbowqueeen · 14/10/2023 03:01

Receiving Closure from a conversation with the other person is a unicorn. It very rarely happens and will never happen with this guy as he does not have the capacity to be honest. Find a therapist.

Getting in contact will create turmoil in your life. Don’t go back there. Keep moving towards peace and tranquility

Summer2424 · 14/10/2023 04:53

Hi @disneylover90
I'm so sorry you went through this, that is horrific. Glad to hear you're in a good place now in your life.
I wouldn't contact your ex hun, you're doing really well now, seeing him may set you back xx

Original poster
disneylover90 · 14/10/2023 11:38

Thank you for the kind replies and support.

I agree I would never get any real closure from him as he hasn't got the ability to tell the truth, he has no compassion or remorse for his actions.

I will look into counselling as I defo think I need to talk to someone about this instead of just keeping it bottled up.

I often think of his victims and their families, those poor people.
I am hope justice is served as he has caused so much to pain to so many people.

Hopefully he receives a life sentence.

OP posts:
newnamethanks · 14/10/2023 11:49

No OP, you don't need to contact him AT ALL. He is a dangerous psychopath and hopefully will be locked up away from other people. The only closure needed is the cell door. Get some therapy, speak to Women's Aid.

itsmyp4rty · 14/10/2023 12:06

He'll no doubt tell you what he thinks you want to hear so he can get his claws into your again and have you writing to him and/or visiting him in prison.

He'll tell you that you were the true love of his life, he never wanted to hurt you, everything he did was just because he was so scared of losing you, you're the only one that ever really understood him.......and so it will go on and on.

This is a dangerous man who could have killed you or had you killed. There is absolutely nothing to gain from contacting him, he will not give you whatever it is you're looking for. I think you could maybe do with some counselling to talk this through with someone as it sounds absolutely horrendous.

Worddance · 14/10/2023 12:09

I definitely wouldn't. Glad you survived. You need therapy, not further contact. There's nothing he can do to help you move on. I would not risk coming on his radar again either.

Enjoy your new life.

Worddance · 14/10/2023 12:09

Look into survivor's guilt.

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