To think this is a bit unfair on some kids?

MotherEarthisaTerf · 2023-10-13T21:14:05+00:00

daughter in year 4 says her teacher did a positivity jar in class. Kids were to make anonymous notes to other kids in the class with positive things to say about them. DD wrote 4 notes, received 2. Has said some kids have received 8 or 9 notes. AIBU for thinking this was a predictable outcome, disappointing for some kids? Probably those most in need of a positive note? DD has some SEN and I am feeling a bit sorry for them this evening.

Bells3032 · 13/10/2023 22:17

Yeah that's pretty awful and completely contradicts the reasoning behind it (to help the kids feel good). If the teacher had given each child a random other child and they only write one that would work much better

Lighttodark · 13/10/2023 22:17

Teacher should give child one note each. If a child doesn’t have one, teacher writes it.

RandomButtons · 13/10/2023 22:19

Yeah doing it that way is a good way to exclude special needs kids.

much better to sit them in groups of six and each of them has to do for each kid in the group.

pieintheski · 13/10/2023 22:19

positivity is totally meaningless if it has to be handed round evenly - it just makes everyone suspicious of it. In secondary school we have to deal with the result of the stupid stupid stupid "two stars and a wish" policy in one of our local primary school, whereby teachers make two positive comments for every negative one. Result, a complete cohort of children who don't believe a single positive thing you say to them, and assume the more positive things you say, themore negative things you are attempting to compensate in advance for

Moonbowlspoon · 13/10/2023 22:20

Wouldn’t it be better to ask everyone to say something positive about everyone else, or to do that in small groups?

GettingStuffed · 13/10/2023 22:23

We did something like this in work, we were each nominated a colleague and we had to say something positive. I've never thought myself funny but the person who had me said I had a great sense of humour but I didn't realise it

This approach could be used in the classroom

KT1112 · 13/10/2023 22:30

That’s really rubbish 😔

our primary school did a thing where each child had an A4 piece of paper and they each said one positive thing about the child (a different child each week? Can’t remember!) and the teacher wrote them all around their name, like a spider diagram. We kept ours and framed them for their bedrooms.

maybe you could have family do this for your dd so she has something nice to remember the experience by instead

Imperfectp3rf3ction · 13/10/2023 22:39

Could you tell her from me the fact that she wrote 4 shows how she sees the good in people which is a strength in itself. My eldest ( sen ) is detested and literally isolated at school and its so cruel

saltinesandcoffeecups · 13/10/2023 22:47

Did you ask your daughter why she didn’t write one for every child?

I don’t love these kind of things because they really become popularity contests, but at the same time the kids getting low recognition are contributing to the problem just the same. So it’s a bit disingenuous to point at all the recipients of many ‘whatsits’ as the problem. (I don’t necessarily think the OP did that, but these discussions generally run in that direction sooner or later)

My other thought is that this type of thing happens all the time in life. Might as well come to terms with it early.

Original poster

MotherEarthisaTerf · 13/10/2023 22:49

@saltinesandcoffeecups

i suspect time for the activity was limited. As discussed DD has SEN so writing 32 notes would be an ordeal she’s not capable of.

OP posts:

Original poster

MotherEarthisaTerf · 13/10/2023 22:50

Imperfectp3rf3ction · 13/10/2023 22:39

Could you tell her from me the fact that she wrote 4 shows how she sees the good in people which is a strength in itself. My eldest ( sen ) is detested and literally isolated at school and its so cruel

Thank you

OP posts:

melodypondisasuperhero · 13/10/2023 22:51

Ugh I hated these, we used to get allocated random people to write something about and a lot of the time I didn’t know them well at all so I just wrote “nice”

BungleandGeorge · 13/10/2023 22:53

@saltinesandcoffeecups I think the whole point is that this type of thing doesn’t actually affect people equally. Are you saying that people with disabilities should accept and come to terms with being excluded and discriminated against early on because ‘that’s life’? I don’t think that’s what should be taught and encouraged at school…

bluepurpleangel · 13/10/2023 22:56

KT1112 · 13/10/2023 22:30

That’s really rubbish 😔

our primary school did a thing where each child had an A4 piece of paper and they each said one positive thing about the child (a different child each week? Can’t remember!) and the teacher wrote them all around their name, like a spider diagram. We kept ours and framed them for their bedrooms.

maybe you could have family do this for your dd so she has something nice to remember the experience by instead

We did something similar in my class when I was around year 7 I think. I remember it so well even though it was over 20 years ago now, I had quite low self-esteem at the time and it really lifted me.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 13/10/2023 22:57

MotherEarthisaTerf · 13/10/2023 22:49

@saltinesandcoffeecups

i suspect time for the activity was limited. As discussed DD has SEN so writing 32 notes would be an ordeal she’s not capable of.

No kid is going to write 32 notes. They are going to write them to their friends and call it done. That was kind of my point. She did nothing different than her classmates.

The kids that got 8-9 just have more friends.

That being said maybe explain that to your daughter and remind her that 2 people thought enough of her to write a note.

Alltheyearround · 13/10/2023 23:01

Agree with PP to do one with your DD (maybe a poster or collection of cards) and get quotes from those who know and love her for who she is. Ask her what she values in herself too.

Sounds like a nice idea for the class but badly thought through!

Children with SEN often have to try much harder than peers to achieve, so perseverence/determination is often something they possess quite a lot of.

I'm so proud of my teenage DS with SEN. He amazes me every day with how funny, positive, engaged and loving he is.

Could not wish for a better son. I always tell him that he was all I ever dreamed of and much more.

TryAgainWithFeeling · 13/10/2023 23:02

Teacher needs to think through what the point of this is. If it’s to highlight positive things for self esteem, they should work out an option for it to be distributed evenly so every child gets a spread of feedback. If it’s to get kids thinking positively about others, pick a couple of kids they’re not friends with to write about. I don’t see the point in doing it the way they did, it’s just a popularity exercise and that happens in the playground every day! What if some kids got none?

saltinesandcoffeecups · 13/10/2023 23:05

BungleandGeorge · 13/10/2023 22:53

@saltinesandcoffeecups I think the whole point is that this type of thing doesn’t actually affect people equally. Are you saying that people with disabilities should accept and come to terms with being excluded and discriminated against early on because ‘that’s life’? I don’t think that’s what should be taught and encouraged at school…

Wow… I’m going to give you a moment to reread my post.

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Ok… you’re back? I’m sure now you’ll agree I don’t like these kind of things because I wrote that.

I’m sure you’ll also agree that at no point did I even hint that the OP’s daughter should be shunned in a corner because of her SEN

And I hope you’d be able to make the leap of logic that kids in the class without a SEN are probably in the the same boat.

Oh and if you read some of the other posts you’d see that this kind of activity happens in adult forums, so yes it’s something that all kids will come up against many times. What do you suggest? Give them the message they should burn it all down the next time? How about helping them navigate it for the future?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 13/10/2023 23:13

We did completely the opposite with my Brownies. We drew hearts and then wrote unpleasant words on them and each girl tore off the piece they had written. We then got all the girls to say sorry, erase the unpleasant word, write a kind word and tape it back up. Hopefully this demonstrated that unkind words can be fixed but it is never quite the same again.

drspouse · 13/10/2023 23:31

The idea of each person having their turn is similar to the Circle of Friends initiative which is in my DS EHCP but his former head teacher didn't do it because "she didn't know what it was".
It is supposed to be good for both the class (thinking about the individual that they may not have thought about before) and the child in question.

Bagpuss2022 · 13/10/2023 23:34

I think it’s awful what it a child didn’t get any?