Am I being unreasonable to give up on old friends?

[Bulletsoverbroadway]

I have a small group of friends from school and we’ve been friends for going on 35 years now. We live fairly close to eachother but don’t catch up that often - maybe every couple of months. We have over time drifted a bit and gone in different directions and I am also the only one with kids and a partner so that’s probably the biggest difference in lifestyles when I think about it. I’ve realised lately that I just don’t look forward to our catch ups any more and it feels a bit forced. I haven’t fallen out with anyone and I don’t dislike them - it’s more that I just feel very ambivalent. Do you stay with old friends to honour the length of relationship or do you just move on and realise some things just come to a natural conclusion?

I'd probably keep meeting up, are you knackered from having small dc? When you get your mojo back you may well be glad of them.

It doesn't sound like its a very intense friendship so can't you just let it drift a bit, skip the next catch up because you are busy/ill/whatever?

Are you in the weeds of having small children? You may be glad to have friends that are your friends not related being a mum at some point.

You never have to stay friends with someone if you don't want to for whatever reason but if there is no reason your feelings have changed, then I'd suggest not doing anything definitive reflect a bit on why you might feel that way.

I don’t stay with friends with people if I don’t enjoy my time with them. The length of time I’ve known them is irrelevant.

It's nice to still be mates with people from your school days - but equally, if you've grown apart, there's nothing wrong with admitting it and stop going through the motions any more.

I don't believe in slogging away with gritted teeth at friendships out of a sense of duty when they are past their sell-by date.

But I also think long friendships naturally wax and wane over time (a bit like a long marriage). Just because you're not feeling it at the moment doesn't mean that the friendships are dead and buried. Differences in life stage and busy lives can get in the way for a season but that doesn't mean it's forever. I have friends of 25+ years who I've gone many years without seeing at all and have got back in touch with.

People are very quick to want to attach labels to friendships and to throw them away because they have changed. You see this all the time on these boards with people being told to block friends because someone has stood them up once. We're much too prescriptive about it. You can't be joined at the hip to someone in the same way at 45 that you were at 16. Life gets in the way. But it doesn't necessarily have to be final.

Just take it as it comes. Don't feel you have to prioritise these people over absolutely everything else but by the same token don't write them off.

Are you just flat out with young kids? Friendships wax and wane, so it's fine to back off a bit, but the friendships might grow again as life stages change.

I think friendships, like relationships, do need thought and effort. Perhaps think about some different activities that you might enjoy with members of that group?

I’d keep the friendship going. It feels a bit forced now but it might not always be like that and friendships can ebb and flow in that way.