My (d)H has always been shit with money. Over the years there has been a pattern of getting into credit card debt, hiding it, lying, I find out, I work harder to pay it off. This has happened to the tune of around £150k in total. Each time he promises he won’t do it again, promises he won’t lie, happens again nadda nadda nadda nadda.
I have worked harder and harder to ‘sort out the mess’ with the result that my career has benefited and I am now a relatively high earner (mid 6 figures). I work long hours.
He has his own business, the debt is related to this in the main although he does pay some bills. His income doesn’t cover his overheads and outgoings. He also attributes the debt to the fact that whenever he has time off work he does not earn (when we go away for example). I generally give him money to cover this but sometimes he declines and says he is fine.
We agreed he would work less when the children were small but they are almost adults now.
I pay for mostly everything else and give him a monthly amount ( around £1k). I do all the life admin but would prefer not to. He neglects his own admin which results in fines or wasting money.
I am resentful, angry and the marriage is shit as a result.
He is a popular bloke, great fun, great dad, does loads around the house.
His friend thinks I am financially abusing him, he doesn’t make much money and I ask too much of him to pay some bills. My (d)H says he lies because he is ashamed and scared of me.
Either way we have an issue.
I know this sounds cliched but despite knowing he will never change, I love him (although the marriage is not currently a loving one) and I know it will break my children if we split.
Am I financially abusing him? There are plenty of men out there with stay at home wives who contribute nothing financially. Should I encourage him to give up work and I ‘keep’ the whole family in the same way? Although I personally feel the resentment would be huge but when the gender roles are reversed resentment does not seem to be an issue.