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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I a nightmare parent?!

15 replies

Notinvited85 · 13/10/2023 16:19

I have a son who is currently in year 1. Ever since starting school there have been a number of instances of other children having been unkind to him. Some things that I would consider less severe- like having sand thrown in his face whilst playing in a sandpit. Some worse like being hit. I would say there were around 5 instances of physically rough behaviour like this directed at him during reception year.

He is really not reliable at telling the teachers at the time, I’ve tried to talk to him about this, but he doesn’t tell them and instead come home and tells me after the school day. I’ve generally informed school, typically by email as I think they should know.

today he came home in a completely new outfit. When I asked him what had happened he said another child had pushed him over so that he fell in the mud.

I’m not sure what to do… my instinct is that school should know. Unfortunately again he told the teacher he fell rather than was pushed. But I’m worried that if I’m always the mum emailing school with these issues they will look at me, and potentially by extension my son, more negatively. Am I being a bit OTT to think of telling school about this latest incident? And if this was your child would you be thinking of moving school? As perhaps it just hasn’t worked out for him socially at this school..

OP posts:

DominiqueBernard · 13/10/2023 16:21

I would consider moving him as fait somz reason he doesn't seem to be able to communicateur with th

Kathy34 · 13/10/2023 16:22

I'd consider switching. As a child who wouldn't tell when people bullied her I feel for him. I ended up hating school even after the issue was resolved.

DominiqueBernard · 13/10/2023 16:22

communicate with the staff there.

What does the school say when you e-mail them?

Are you sure he isn't fibbing to you as he doesn't want to be told off e.g. for falling and dirtying his clothes?

How does he play with other children in other contexts?

CarpetLady · 13/10/2023 16:23

Yes you should tell the school. Be very clear that this is just the latest in a series of incidents not a one off. Ask for a meeting with his class teacher.

It’s not a reason to move unless they feel to deal with it.

JMSA · 13/10/2023 16:26

Tell the school by all means, but moving would be a knee jerk reaction. It's likely that the issue would transfer with him. See how the school handle it and take it from there.

Buffysoldersister · 13/10/2023 16:28

What carpetlady said.

bossybloss · 13/10/2023 16:30

Why do you think the issue would transfer with him? @JMSA

DisquietintheRanks · 13/10/2023 16:40

Id be open to the possibility that he did fall, or was pushed accidentally or as part of game. Is he worried that you'd be cross if he dirtied his clothes.

As for moving him, is he happy? If not, yes I'd consider moving him but be aware that it wont necessarily change much unless he's experiencing bullying (rather than random incidents of rough play).

Sartre · 13/10/2023 16:48

No, you’re a decent parent. Good parents who care about their children don’t sit back and let them get pushed around. You need to let the teachers know so they can reprimand the children responsible. I’d consider moving him schools if it continues.

Dixiechickonhols · 13/10/2023 16:48

How is he generally socially? Does he do any other hobbies and have issues speaking to the activity leaders. I think I’d ask to have a chat with school. Say he doesn’t seem to be able to tell teacher what has happened. They should be able to work on that with him. How is he getting on - try and gauge if it’s just normal amount of incidents or if it always seems to be him.

Dixiechickonhols · 13/10/2023 16:53

bossybloss · 13/10/2023 16:30

Why do you think the issue would transfer with him? @JMSA

Edited

I presume she means the not telling his teacher or not telling teacher truth would be same at another school.

Sounds like was issue reception and now yr 1.
I’d try and find out why he’s not telling.. is he worried about getting in trouble etc.

Original poster

Notinvited85 · 13/10/2023 16:57

Thanks everyone for replying.

I do believe him, I think mainly because the children who he’s said are mean to him I have heard from other parents have also been mean to other children.

I think my son isn’t very good at standing up for himself. He has a younger brother and he doesn’t even particularly manage to stand up to him despite him being 2.5 years younger- which I suspect is unusual. They generally get on well. He does generally play well with other children when he knows them, but is quite shy so would not approach another child to play who he didn’t know. But I feel like it’s a bit of a vicious cycle because I think the negative experiences at school are affecting his experience. If we did move him I’d look for a school that is particularly likely to be nurturing/ safe environment for him. I really hope the problem wouldn’t move with him!

I did wonder about rough play gone a bit wrong. But he was very clear that he really doesn’t like the other child involved which makes me think maybe it’s less likely that they were playing together.

i’m not sure that he’d have been worried that I’d have been cross about the muddy clothes, but will bear the possibility in mind of that kind of thing.

OP posts:

AmyandPhilipfan · 13/10/2023 16:59

In your situation I would try and remain aware that children can and do lie. Most children that young don't lie about what happened to avoid things becoming worse. So if they were pushed in the mud and the teacher asked what happened they would generally say they were pushed in the mud. Why is he telling you one thing but the teacher another? Could it be that he knows he gets your full attention if he's talking to you about people being mean to him?

I once worked in a school where a little girl was moved from another school because her mother was horrified that the child was reporting someone had threatened to stab her with a knife. A couple of weeks in and she told me that one of the children in the new class had threatened to stab her with a knife. What are the chances that in two different schools there would be a 5 year old in each who would threaten that? It was much more likely that she was making it up for attention. If I remember correctly I think the classroom teacher told her she didn't think X had said that, and the girl never said it again.

Vocaladvocaat · 13/10/2023 17:01

I would mention it yes. But… this does not necessarily mean that he is being bullied. Kids do have rough and tumble. Sometimes, the best thing to do is not project your anxiety and worry on to them but tell them that these things happen.

PangramAddict · 13/10/2023 17:04

A friend of mine who is a teacher, and a parent, always says to "be that parent". Who else is going to advocate for your child? He shouldn't be having to put up with this at school.

He sounds like my eldest DC who is having some issues at school - this kid pushed her over in front of me and two teachers at pick up! He was told off but when we got home I coached her on some potential reactions for next time. Sometimes helping kids to be prepared helps a lot.

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