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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to feel put upon freinds who just had 2nd baby and think as a SAHM I should be round every day helping?

16 replies

daydreambeliever · 07/03/2008 16:40

I have an 8 month old, and am at home with her. Two freinds who I have seen v little of in recent months cos theyve been back at work, have just had their 2nd babies. Whilst they were back at work any time I did hear of them it was all, oh, so busy, so hard working, up at five, my career, our minibreak, blah blah me, with a brief pause to insinuate that I am a lazy cow for not going back to work. And I dont think I have had so much as a text from either of them since xmas. But now....They and their husbands seem to be under the delusion that I do nothing all day and should be round theirs non stop now helping out. I have been round but I amn non stop busy with my own things!! Friends visiting from the uk,(I live in irland), my baby, grocery shopping, baby groups, making dinner, diy, killing recently discovered mice....I feel resentful that I was evidently so unimportant before in my SAHM way in our crappy rented house and dull budgety ways while they are so busy with their currently much richer lifestyle, and that they seem to think I can drop everything to be at their beck and call. I want to help out, but they do have families here, and I am getting the picture with one couple , not the other as much to be fair, that they are not even getting their mums to help out cos their mums are busy, whereas I am apparently not. I have been feeling guilty all week about not being able to do as much as they wanted cos DD has had a howling cold and I felt it was too risky for their baby with mines infection for me to go over there mid week. I think they are probably pissed off with me. But I dont think thats fair. I think even DH doesnt realize how long everything takes with DD, eg it just took me 2 hrs to do supermarket with feeding and nappies and bloody trolleys. Im not a bollocking lady of leisure.

AIBU? Or even mean?

OP posts:
motherinferior · 07/03/2008 16:42

Er...just say no?

RubySlippers · 07/03/2008 16:43

they don't sound like close friends anymore, and from your OP it doesn't sound like you even like them too much

perhaps it is time to just go your seperate ways

your friend is certainly being unreasonable if she really thinks you should be round at her house every day

WallOfSilence · 07/03/2008 16:43

Let them go to hell.

How did any of the rest of us manage without SAHMs to run around after us?

Enjoy your own child! Let them deal with theirs!

BeMyLilBaby · 07/03/2008 16:45

well i dont think your being Unresonable,
its def not fair of them to expect you to go round there if it isnt social, perhaps if you did want to see them you could arrange a meeting in a social setting?

maybe they also genuinely dont realise what you do in a day, perhaps you could drop it into a convo? eg " i was so busy doing x x and x today..."

I dont think they mean to be self obsessed, maybe they genuinely just feel busy being at work and are now wrapped up in there babies, im sure it isnt deliberate

hecate · 07/03/2008 16:46

Don't do it. Say no. Say fuck off, if needs be.

Are they actually SAYING "You should be at my beck and call" ?? I would guess not. You feel that this is their feeling.

Take control. Don't do something you don't want to based on what you think the other person wants/feels/thinks.

shreddies · 07/03/2008 16:49

What exactly are they asking you to do? Are you sure it's not just that you're a friend they're now in a position to see more of now they're on ML?

Lizzer · 07/03/2008 16:50

Not had experience of this directly but i have had to 'dump a friend' (nicely though ) she was taking up all my time in a stalkerish way, long story i won't go into here.. I would lose the guilt you are feeling and begin to distance yourself from the situation, once you start putting some space between you and them they'll get the message. Once you've established this you may be able to start seeing them on a social level again but there again if they aren't v pleasant to you anyway I'd stay away for good! HTH

beaniesteve · 07/03/2008 16:52

don't go.

BoysAreLikeDogs · 07/03/2008 17:02

No, you are not being mean, or unreasonable.

You have your own family to consider, so while helping with a new baby is a lovely thing to do, your friends should not expect you to.

I remember what life with an 8 month old is like, not easy at all.

daydreambeliever · 07/03/2008 17:08

They are inherited friends!! As in I have moved to DH's home town and they are all his big group of friends. I get on well enough with them but theyre not my best friends. TBH the one who really does seem to want to see me every day has not been feeling well, she was bed bound with haedache earlier this week. She is struggling. I have seen her twice this week and asked her along to a baby and toddler group this am, I know thats a bit early to be out but she did seem to want to. Anyway she didnt make it, and then texted me to say she had been having a sleep and would be at home all afternoon. I took that to mean she wanted me over there. Actually thats a bit mad of me isnt it, she probably just meant she would indeed be at home all afternoon!

We all went over to hers New Years Eve and she made some comment then about, Youll have to come over and help me then when I have the baby seeing as youre not working. Actually I was kind of fuming all new years day about it.

You're probably right Shreddies in that they are maybe just thnking we'll all see more of each other. But I have worked hard to build up a network of friends to see and stuff to do, they can slot into it, but Im not dropping everything.

OP posts:
Piccalilli2 · 07/03/2008 17:10

They're probably lonely.

daydreambeliever · 07/03/2008 17:19

Maybe they are. I find it odd though that they both have loads of family and friends in the area, and yet I am the one they seem to expect help from. It makes me feel like they think I have nothing to do, nowhere to go all day. It raises my SAHM hackles. And as a relative newcomer to the area it makes me think they think I must have not made a single friend or anything, and sit indoors all day looking at the walls.

OP posts:
motherinferior · 07/03/2008 17:25

I don't get it. They're not your friends. They're being mean to you. You don't owe them anything. Why don't you just say no?

daydreambeliever · 07/03/2008 17:26

OK. I am happy. Its official. IANBU. End of story. Screw 'em. Cheers my dears.

OP posts:
Squiffy · 07/03/2008 17:26

But what is it that they are asking you to do?

Fillyjonk · 07/03/2008 17:29

ohh i would take the new years day comment as either a clumsy invitation to get to know each other better, or a joke...

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