What to do about visit after split

[Unionizedy]

I was supposed to spend Christmas with my partner. We had a talk about what to do about Christmas and it didn’t go well, not only is spending Christmas off the table, the whole relationship is over.

My partner accused me of being manipulative, making everything about myself, and complaining too much… among other things… this wasn’t all said at once, but we revisited it.

After all this, I have to say, I said it sounds like “you don’t even like me!”.
After I also said some of the things I was unhappy about, I realised there wasn’t much like left in me either. Sad situation.

I’m happy for the relationship to be over, we were not right for each other, with partners like these, who needs enemies! I am of course sad about it, but what can you do.

The thing I’m not quite sure what to do about, is the fact my partner asked me weeks ago to stay with me a specific night to collect her children from the airport in the evening… she will have only just returned from long travels and wouldn’t be able to stay at her own place.
I know that she might be able to stay that night with her own relatives, who are expecting them the following day, but not the night before. The relatives live a couple of hours further from the airport. It would mean partner would have to drive back and forth at a weird time.
Who knows if the relatives will be available or open to this. Most likely it will be fine in these circumstances.

As I mentioned in the previous thread about the iPad, partner has said in the past things are tight. My cancelling this (because we’ve broken up), might leave her out of pocket or very badly inconvenienced. What would you do?

Would I be unreasonable to cancel? I’d like to keep my word, but neither do I want any weird tension in my house, even for one night.

We haven’t discussed it yet and I want to continue dealing with each other amicably - it’s been fine so far as far as breakups go.

I'd say cancel. Clean break. It doesn't sound like you are in the right place to be seeing each other (eg a couple who have amicably split when wounds have healed), so let partner make their own arrangements.

Not your problem, she can get a hotel if she's desperate.

Cancel. You’ve split.

It sounds like you want her to realise what she is missing because you are a good person. Don't do it. Not your problem any more.

Cancel, you have no obligations to people who don't like you.

I’m assuming she would naturally know it’s cancelled, after all she has said to me.

Should I be messaging her to let her know this is cancelled? I should think it’s obvious? I’ve just learned thought that I don’t understand how she thinks and lord knows what she would or wouldn’t assume.

I’m thinking it’s bad form to just stay quiet about it.

Yet I don’t want it to appear I’m twisting the knife after the breakup with this. I don’t want to instigate her in any way, no desire to do this at all. I just don’t want uncomfortable vibes in my small space after all this.

Not your problem. That's what airport hotels are for.

No need to message her. No need to answer the door if she's cheeky enough to turn up. I hope she doesn't have a key?

@Unionizedy

Cancel and let her know immediately to give her time to make other arrangements. It's quite possible she's figured out herself that it would no longer be appropriate for her to expect to stay at yours, but it's best to say it in plain words now than just assume she's made other plans.

I mean, I assume this stay isn't within the next 72 hours, right?

She has said she would really like to remain friends and has been sending friendly texts. She might expect that friends are allowed to kip on the sofa for a night trip to the airport.

Of course she has. She needs you to let her stay. Please do not do it. It will not be good for you. If you tell her it is going to be a problem, then see how friendly her texts are. If they are still friendly, then maybe rethink. But I would not do this for your own self worth.

No, it’s over. She’s a grown up & can sort herself out.

It’ll be great if you can end up friends but it’s healthy to get some space & accept the end of the relationship first.

Very fortunately, we’ve got a week to go yet.

I’m concerned she might not want to mention to her family that we’ve broken up and that’s why she needs to stay, and that she might pitch a tent or sleep in her car on a side road somewhere (she has told me she has done this before when traveling), because she says she hasn’t got much money (or doesn’t like spending it)… I’d be genuinely worried for her safety if it was because I cancelled, the areas she would travel through aren’t that savoury.

Any suggestions how to phrase this message?

Do you actually want to remain friends?

If not simply message her explaining that she needs to stop contacting you now you have split up, wish her well for the future so a polite but firm message

Yes, I do. But I need time to get over things and accept the new way, it’s all too recent now. That’s what makes the handling of this situation more complicated.

I wish the planned visit wasn’t so soon, then just one night after a good amount of healing time might have been alright.

Saying no now might kill any possible friendship if this causes her a massive amount of inconvenience and cost.

That’s why how to word the message might be important. I want her to understand this is just a sensible time apart, rather than axe grinding on my part. To leave a possibility of good vibes in the future, should either of us choose to spend brief amounts of time together again.

@Unionizedy

Your first priority is you and your mental health. If you need time, then say so. And what she has or hasn't told her family is not your concern. Personally, I've never remained friends with an ex, I'm more the 'no hard feelings but done is done' type.

How about:

"Hi 'Ex'. I know I extended an invitation to spend the night here on XX. Given our recent breakup and the/my/our (choose one) need for space to heal I am letting you know that I'm having to rescind that invitation. I'm sure you'll understand that since things are sort of raw right now it's not sensible for us to spend time together. I want to thank you for the good times we had in the past and to wish you all the best in the future. Perhaps somewhere down the line we can 'reconnect' as friends."

Just send it as soon as possible. Don't say anything about 'hope you can make other arrangements' because that just leaves the door open for her to say "No, I can't so I need to stay there".

It is sensible after any break up to take some time apart before exploring the possibility of friendship. It is too fresh and raw to make that transition right after breaking up. Emotions are still there. It makes things harder.

I would tell her that I have been thinking about it and now think we need to take some time away from each other for a couple of months so we can properly process everything.

She needs to realise that ending the relationship also ends the perks of the relationship.

“Good luck for the future and I wish you all the best. Have a great trip to x and of course you will need to make other arrangements for airport accommodation. Take care.”

@Unionizedy

Good suggestion of a note from AcrossthePond55. Clarity of communication and firm boundaries are really needed by you in this situation to protect yourself from any misunderstanding from either side. 🌹

I’ve messaged, her response was she’d spend the night in her car.
She hasn’t said why she’s not spending the night with her relatives and I haven’t asked. Even a hostel might be preferable to a cold dark night in a car. I don’t get it.

I know what she might be expecting/hoping I’d say, but I haven’t, I simply wished her a good trip.

Spend the night in her car, my aunt Fanny!! She's trying to guilt you into letting her stay with you.

You did the right thing. Just a generic 'Have a nice trip' and nothing more. Now leave it and don't contact her further.

She’s not staying, you aren’t a b&b she can use at her convenience.

I think the realisation of the missed perks is just dawning on her.
Funnily enough, there are not any perks I’ve spent time on even thinking about let alone missing.

You can’t just bluntly go around telling people a blow by blow account of all their negative traits (definitely NOT in a constructive way) and expect them to just take it.

Maybe she believes she’s an angel free of the slightest imperfection.

Her people skills leave a lot to be desired, the bunt brutality, and lack of empathy are the number one reason I’m happy to end it, and I haven’t even started on the other reasons.