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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Best friend AIBU?

13 replies

BunnyLily · 12/10/2023 19:17

So we’ve been friends for 30years. I separated with my x in July. We went on holiday my 2 girls 7 and 10 and her and her daughter. Anyway my 2 were a nightmare.. put it down to recent break up and them wanting to get home to settle down and see what the situation was. They fight as it is but think it was exaggerated on holiday. Anyway.. my friends daughter was golden compared to mine.
Weve booked another holiday together for next year.
Anyway.. my 7yr old is hard work. She kicks and screams if she doesn’t want to do something, she has anxiety about doing things like going places she doesn’t want to … she refuses parties if she over thinks and hates the idea of going. She’s shy, won’t push herself to do anything when she could achieve great things if she wanted to. We’ve spoken to teachers, nurses and now she’s in play therapy to help her with her anxiety.
anyway this morning she didn’t want to go to school. Said she felt sick, then said she didn’t want to do PE, there was an episode at school where they were doing a song and she got split up with her friends, this caused her massive anxiety and she had to sit in a room and colour.
Ive tried everything.. she Carrie’s on kicking and screaming, I chased her around the room trying to get her ready. Every morning we have hair anxiety and we have to do her hair numerous times before she is happy with it even though it’s perfect.
I told my best friend about this episode- she just said it’s because I need to restrict her phone, be more strict, stop buying her presents, and giving her sweets, she said I need to start telling the girls to say please and thankyou and she also said that’s what she thought on holiday. I said honestly if it was that simple id have solved the problem ages ago! Myself, their Dad and grandparents always get them to say please and thankyou. I havent bought them one single present since we came back of holiday and only got them and her daughter a necklace and a drink! and the discipline thing i've tried and it works to a point but when you have a kicking 7yr old and 10mins to get her ready and out for school I dont need to fuel the fire. I just feel criticised for being a crap Mom when I try my dammed hardest every day - work 2 jobs and do everything I can. Im totally worn out trying to help the 7yr old and work out the problem.
I said to her she has techniques she does to look after her daughter but i woudnt critisise this as everyone brings theie children up differently. anyway shea taken the. hump and said shell cancel her holiday with us now. i'm glad in a way as if she thought them misbehaving is my fault then id rarther go just us three.
My 7yr old and her daughter get on well, my 10yr old wasnt happy they were there really and made no effort with my friend mainly as she felt left out and also as shes quite socially shy sometimes even though she makes friends easily her own age.
AIbU?

OP posts:
mummummummummummummmmmmy · 12/10/2023 19:46

Lol. Why does your 7 year old have a phone?

I only scan read but seems like your friend is 100% and yabu. Good on her for cancelling the next holiday. Sounds like a shit show.
Working hard is no excuse for having ill mannered children.

HulaChick · 12/10/2023 20:18

Sorry but I agree with PP. Also, if her hair looks perfect the first time, then that's got to be how she'll wear it for the day and not re-do it umpteen times. You're letting her run the show. She needs to do as she's told and get on with it. Sounds as though she's over indulged.

Boomer84 · 12/10/2023 20:19

I can see your friends point of view. I had a similar friends and her 2 kids, could handle a day but a week would have been tiresome. Do you find that in general they don’t listen/take instructions etc. have you looked into any SEN needs? If the teachers all say they’re fine at school then it’s possibly just a home boundary issue.

Toobear · 12/10/2023 20:25

I think your friend has a point, 7 is very young for a phone and may be fuelling your DD’s anxiety. I’m wondering if concern over hair etc is a result of seeing perfect videos online?

newYear10 · 12/10/2023 20:28

mummummummummummummmmmmy · 12/10/2023 19:46

Lol. Why does your 7 year old have a phone?

I only scan read but seems like your friend is 100% and yabu. Good on her for cancelling the next holiday. Sounds like a shit show.
Working hard is no excuse for having ill mannered children.

I agree.

Autumnleaves89 · 12/10/2023 20:39

You’ve invited your friends opinion by starting a conversation about it. YABU, I think it’s best for everyone involved that your friend cancelled the holiday.

Rainraingoaway21 · 12/10/2023 20:40

I'm surprised at these responses. The girls family have recently split up, that can potentially cause huge behavioural issues regardless of anything else. Aside from the fact 7 is way too young for a phone, I can fully sympathise with the anxiety/school refusal/constant 'ailments'/nothing's quite right thing, it is draining.

OP are school fully aware of the situation? Play therapy sounds good. Maybe give her a few choices with the more simple things but set some boundaries for the non-negotiable stuff. Keep going with taking her places and trying new things. Give it time. My DD just suddenly grew out of it really, she still to this day cannot tell us why she was like it.

It may be for the best to cancel the holiday with your friend and take the pressure off you worrying about their behaviour. It doesn't sounds like your eldest enjoyed it with them anyway. Spend some time together separately and then hopefully you can keep your friendship with your friend. Holidays test friendships at the best of times without children in the mix!

Khvdrt · 12/10/2023 20:47

What I would say is that when someone only has 1 child they can be quite smug that their parenting worked so well and not understand that what works for one child doesn’t work for another. It sounds like you are doing your best OP; my DD struggles with a lot of things and her behaviour can make others question my parenting but I know I am doing my best for a child who is struggling. On an aside have you looked at how autism can present in girls?

Original poster
BunnyLily · 12/10/2023 20:47

Thanks for your replies.. sorry I didn’t make it clear about the phone she only has it - old one of mine to watch you tube kids occasionally it’s not fully functional

OP posts:
Bloom15 · 12/10/2023 20:47

YABU

You invited her to reply.

And, while you say there were reasons and your youngest has some issues, I don't think I would want to go on holiday after the previous one to be honest. It sounds stressful

assignedferretatbirth · 12/10/2023 20:50

It sounds like you're better off not holidaying together again if you parent very differently.

It sounds like you give in to your DD very easily for a quiet life. She's learned that you'll reward her tantrums by doing what she wants.

strawberry2017 · 12/10/2023 20:50

If you don't want someone's opinion then don't tell them the situation.
Your friend gave advice based on what she sees. Might be worth listening to her

Dairymilkandtea · 12/10/2023 21:27

Rainraingoaway21 · 12/10/2023 20:40

I'm surprised at these responses. The girls family have recently split up, that can potentially cause huge behavioural issues regardless of anything else. Aside from the fact 7 is way too young for a phone, I can fully sympathise with the anxiety/school refusal/constant 'ailments'/nothing's quite right thing, it is draining.

OP are school fully aware of the situation? Play therapy sounds good. Maybe give her a few choices with the more simple things but set some boundaries for the non-negotiable stuff. Keep going with taking her places and trying new things. Give it time. My DD just suddenly grew out of it really, she still to this day cannot tell us why she was like it.

It may be for the best to cancel the holiday with your friend and take the pressure off you worrying about their behaviour. It doesn't sounds like your eldest enjoyed it with them anyway. Spend some time together separately and then hopefully you can keep your friendship with your friend. Holidays test friendships at the best of times without children in the mix!

Agree with this, your friend has a point about the mobile phone but you sound like a good mum.

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