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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How do we tell them no?

17 replies

SunshineLollipop79 · 12/10/2023 17:13

DP & I are getting married next year, we're all really excited but there is one issue that is stressing me out more than anything!
Once they knew about the wedding, our close family friends mentioned that if we wanted they would be happy to have DD15 whilst we went away on honeymoon, we said it was a really kind offer & when we decide what we doing we'd get back to them but we'd love to take them up on it.
Fast forward to now and they have decided that they will most likely got away next year to a long haul destination & our DD would go with them, they have mentioned this to DD who has said of course she's going but neither DP or I feel comfortable with the distance or the added expense on an already expensive year.
DP had said he will talk to his friend but I am being pushed to confirm dates that we just don't have to give yet. I regret even saying yes to the offer now as if push came to shove I'd rather DD came with us!
AIBU to just tell them we don't need them to have her now?

OP posts:
Tinkerbyebye · 12/10/2023 17:15

Where would she go? If you don’t want to take her with you and as they are close friends and i5 appears she wants to go I would let her. Ok there is a cost but count it as part of the cost of the wedding

Butterflyworms · 12/10/2023 17:20

Aw thanks for your offer of taking DD but after all we have decided to take her with us on the honey moon. We hope you have a great holiday.

Or

Thank you so much for thinking of DD but now that we have done the budgeting we think it will be best if she comes with us instead. We can't for you to celebrate at the wedding with us.

Caroparo52 · 12/10/2023 17:30

Have a think about what you want to do and act accordingly.
Sometimes doing the heavy thinking ahead of time means less last minute stress.
If DD is going with you then that happens.
If she's not then what's blan B?
Your friends are rightly planning ahead to get a good deal and kindly offering childcare. Lucky you...
Accept or decline.
The balls in your court. But you need to get organised to reap the results

Original poster
SunshineLollipop79 · 12/10/2023 18:44

@Tinkerbyebye I don't want to put an exact location but it'd be in Asia, they have been before and we have been a bit worried about some of the things they have let their own DC do so we're worried they would let our DD do the same. If it was anywhere else we wouldn't have any reservations really.

OP posts:
Original poster
SunshineLollipop79 · 12/10/2023 18:45

@Butterflyworms thank you for two very reasonable responses, which of course make so much sense but we've been a bit of a dynamic for years in which they dictate and we go along so it will be really against the grain! 😬

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Original poster
SunshineLollipop79 · 12/10/2023 18:47

@Caroparo52 definitely agree it needs to be sorted now, but we don't even know where we're going or even if it'll be next year yet so it's really hard to give them an answer!

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NeverDropYourMooncup · 12/10/2023 18:51

She'll be 16 by then, won't she?

I know 16 isn't 18, but 18 will come around pretty quickly and she'll still be very aware that you said no to an amazing experience.

Of course, if they're expecting you to pay for it, you're perfectly within your rights to say you can't afford it when you have your wedding, rings, dresses, cars, cake, reception, photos, video, decorations and honeymoon to pay for.

Or you could wait until she's 18 and get married then, so no childcare required and she can do as she pleases.

Hmmm33 · 12/10/2023 18:53

Would you be willing to let her to stay on her own with friends and family popping in? I see nothing wrong with a 16 year old doing that. I guess it depends on the 16 year old though. You know best as parents. Could be an easy solution though maybe.

Housefullofcatsandkids · 12/10/2023 18:54

You could just tell them that you haven't decided when/where you're going yet so probably best if they just book their holiday, don't worry about taking DD and if it clashes with when they're away you'll just take her with you.
If cost is the issue then just tell them it's a lovely offer but you've checked finances and can't afford it.

You don't want to be worrying about what she's doing and if she's safe while you're supposed to be enjoying your honeymoon.

Caroparo52 · 12/10/2023 18:55

If you don't know your dates then no way can you say yes to the holiday.... that's your answer.
Thanks but no thanks.
You don't want to be forced organise YOUR WEDDING around a friend's vacation FFS.
Hope you have a fantastic wedding when you do.

Original poster
SunshineLollipop79 · 12/10/2023 18:56

@NeverDropYourMooncup she'd be just 16 when she does, and yes denying her the opportunity is the biggest thing on my mind really! I'm a little bit annoying they already mentioned it to DD in a way that said it was a done deal because now we're the bad guys even if it falls out of the budget...

OP posts:
Original poster
SunshineLollipop79 · 12/10/2023 18:58

@Hmmm33 that was kind of our plan anyway until our friends offered, she's more than happy in the house now on her own, although she hasn't done overnight on her own. But we have wonderful neighbours & family/friends who would be happy to have her or check in on her.

OP posts:
Dowhadiddydiddydum · 12/10/2023 19:00

Are you worried she would be at risk? If so then of course you need to find a way to say no. I know some kids go away with school at this age, would you worry about that or is it that you don’t think your friends would manage it safely?

If I were you I’d say something along the lines of “we’ve decided not to take you up on the offer. We feel anxious about DD going to x country without and sadly can’t afford the additional money it would cost”.

Just be prepared to be strong to their protest. “No we are sure”, “thanks for the offer but as I said I don’t think it works for us”.

Dacadactyl · 12/10/2023 19:06

Butterflyworms · 12/10/2023 17:20

Aw thanks for your offer of taking DD but after all we have decided to take her with us on the honey moon. We hope you have a great holiday.

Or

Thank you so much for thinking of DD but now that we have done the budgeting we think it will be best if she comes with us instead. We can't for you to celebrate at the wedding with us.

Either of these

Original poster
SunshineLollipop79 · 12/10/2023 19:16

Dowhadiddydiddydum · 12/10/2023 19:00

Are you worried she would be at risk? If so then of course you need to find a way to say no. I know some kids go away with school at this age, would you worry about that or is it that you don’t think your friends would manage it safely?

If I were you I’d say something along the lines of “we’ve decided not to take you up on the offer. We feel anxious about DD going to x country without and sadly can’t afford the additional money it would cost”.

Just be prepared to be strong to their protest. “No we are sure”, “thanks for the offer but as I said I don’t think it works for us”.

She's been away multiple times with school and we've never been worried it's just we're worried about them going with them if that makes sense, it's not like she needs looking after but she's a bit of a daredevil and wouldn't say no to some of the riskier things they've done in the past and told us about.

OP posts:
AutumnWellyBootsandScarf · 12/10/2023 19:20

S@SunshineLollipop79

what risky activities have they done, do they intend to do!

Original poster
SunshineLollipop79 · 12/10/2023 20:09

@AutumnWellyBootsandScarf without being specific, they've done extreme sports/dodgy animal encounters etc that would fall far below any safety standard we'd be comfortable with!

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