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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Silly school idea?

51 replies

IzTed · 12/10/2023 16:04

I have one DD, she’s 4, not long started reception. Her school allows/encourages nursery & reception pupils parents to stay and read with them every morning from 8.45-9.15. In Y1&2 this changes to just 1 day a week.
Most parents don’t stay (the kids then read in groups with the teacher/TA, but between 5 and 10 seem to at least on the couple of days I’ve managed to stay.
I work full time, as does my DH and we don’t have any local family.
Every week since school started DD has been upset atleast once if not more that we haven’t been able to stay and read.
She goes to breakfast club sometimes but DH and I both have the chance to work from home sometimes but even then I have a team meeting at 9 I have to lead and can’t miss. DH is in the same boat a lot.
I do my best on WFH days to condense my hours, drop her off to class myself and pick her up but that’s the best I can do. DH is the same and some days she has to do breakfast club and after school club. I know this is all normal and most parents are in the same situation.
Today DD came out of school and got upset immediately asking me to please stay for reading tomorrow, I just can’t and neither can DH, infact tomorrow is a breakfast and afterschool club day.

AIBU to think this is a silly idea and quite exclusionary? I’d get it if it was once a month or something or once a half-term but everyday? And next year every week? There will be some weeks if not most where we just can’t stay.

OP posts:
Superscientist · 12/10/2023 17:26

I understand, I work from home most of the time but when I am in the lab I have no control.

Maybe a chart then where she knows the next day will be, rather than not tomorrow, not tomorrow, maybe next week. It's reads a bit like that not know when it's next going to happen is hard. I do get how hard it is when juggling work in multiple different environments

ThreeLeggedKitten · 12/10/2023 17:28

its great parents do this, must really help reading skills. I think you need to make time rather then try to limit the help parents give children.

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 12/10/2023 17:29

@IzTed most of your post reads like you never stay, that's why I suggested taking a sick day.

I understand you work full time but children are only young once.

Plus, if your child's school is anything like the one my children attended you'll be asked to come in for all sorts of things like art displays, harvest festivals, dance shows - usually the night before at short notice!

poorlyarm · 12/10/2023 17:31

I understand and would find this pretty crap. I can see why they do it though probably to get some help!

Ignore the person who said call in sick. Confused

I think your DD is just gonna have to suck it up although I know it's hard when they are small.

Original poster
IzTed · 12/10/2023 17:33

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 12/10/2023 17:29

@IzTed most of your post reads like you never stay, that's why I suggested taking a sick day.

I understand you work full time but children are only young once.

Plus, if your child's school is anything like the one my children attended you'll be asked to come in for all sorts of things like art displays, harvest festivals, dance shows - usually the night before at short notice!

Sorry if it read like that. We do go, it’s just unpredictable when we can. Sometimes DH works from home all week so could be there everyday. Other times it’s breakfast club most days and me rushing back for the meeting at 9 on the others.
We will always try to go to as much as we can, shift work around and take afternoons off. We are lucky that with DH being freelance and myself in a middle management role we have a good degree of flexibility. For 3 years I worked half days on Tues and Thur so we could have the afternoon together etc. But the 9am meeting is essential for our team and I can’t miss it.

OP posts:
LittleLegsKeepGoing · 12/10/2023 17:34

I just love the pile on that working parents are just expected to drop everything because a school thinks parental engagement is achieved by making the parent attend school.

This would have landed like a lead balloon in my daughter's school. At least half the class have parents who have recognised face to face professions like GPs, teachers, nurses etc. This is aside from all of the other working parents who can't just flex their time around. There's absolutely no way the general public would be happy with their GP, child's teacher or nurse being absent for reading time during school hours with their own child so I'm quite surprised by all the PP suggesting it's a great idea.

Parental engagement can happen at home, alienating children whose parents are working during school hours is a terrible idea.

Appleofmyeye2023 · 12/10/2023 17:35

IDidntKnowMyOwnStrength · 12/10/2023 16:08

I did this with my children when they were younger many years ago, they are 18 and 22 now, so it's not a new thing. To be honest l think the novelty wears off after a while and they prefer you don't do it !

My eldest is 30 this year…it was a thing then too. Working mum, nope, only rarely made it.
and yep, pissed me off then too , assumed mums could stay as weren’t working. They’d often do other stuff during those periods too like gove details/ notices out - assuming a parent was there

DoorPath · 12/10/2023 17:35

I qgree with you, OP

Appleofmyeye2023 · 12/10/2023 17:37

elliejjtiny · 12/10/2023 16:51

When I was on work experience in a year 1 class many years ago now they did "book and biscuit" once a week. Parents could come and read a book with their child one morning a week and the child would get a biscuit but only if their parent came! One little girl went to breakfast club so her parents never came. Every week I was there she would read with me instead. Each time she would ask for a biscuit and the teacher would tell her no. Every time, she cried and it would break my heart. It was awful. I've never forgotten her. She was called Naomi and she will be 26 now.

Bloody hell🤯🤬🤬

Soontobe60 · 12/10/2023 17:39

I’d tell your DD that you can stay once a week but only til 9 then run back to the car to have your team meeting there.
Or move the meeting til 9.30.

BiffandChip1 · 12/10/2023 18:01

As a teacher, sounds like school is trying to get the kids who don't read with parents to do so. Which isn't you!

As a teacher I positively hate it when parents come in to read first thing 🤣

ShadowPuppets · 12/10/2023 18:08

Sorry if I’ve missed it, but have you asked school if there’s any scope to amend the timetable so that the reading sometimes happens in the afternoon so the 9am meeting isn’t an issue?

I feel for you OP. I’m 34 and my mum was a SAHP and used to come in and read with the kids. When it was my turn to read we used to hold hands under the table (she said we could do it as long as my teacher could see me reading still) and it made me feel really happy and loved. I would have been about 7 and I still remember it. My DC aren’t at school yet but unless my job changes a lot I won’t be able to do this for them and it makes me feel vaguely shitty (being a working mum when your mum stayed at home has a lot of these moments!)

Someoneonlyyouknow · 12/10/2023 18:12

I think it's understandable your DD is upset that other parents are in the classroom while hers are not and having lots of extra adults around sounds confusing. It's not the same as having a few parents coming in to work with aĺl the children. I know your jobs mean that it's hard to have the same routine every day/week and maybe that makes things more unsettling for your daughter?

I don't have an easy answer, other than talking to her and reassuring her about special time you will have together after school/at the weekend. Also, allow plenty of time in the mornings and ensure drop-off is as calm as possible.

ColleenDonaghy · 12/10/2023 18:51

YANBU at all. Teachers famously have one of the least flexible jobs going, you'd think they'd get it.

We had similar in nursery school, it was during covid and as things eased we were welcomed into the classroom on Wednesday pickups. As if most parents are free at 1pm on a Wednesday! The teacher actually got shocked when I said we were going straight from school to DD's private daycare nursery - utterly clueless.

(Our primary school in fairness do seem to have an understanding of the real world!)

Dowhadiddydiddydum · 12/10/2023 18:56

Every day seems a bit much, I’m surprised they want parents in that much.

sadly I think it’s life that children’s home situations are different. I’d help her manage her feelings about that rather than focus on the school.

Sirzy · 12/10/2023 18:56

Having it an option every day means that parents can go in when they can whereas if it’s a set day each term then it’s much harder for many parents to even consider it.

Unithorn · 12/10/2023 19:02

Sounds awful, like you me and DH work and although we do try and attend all of the in school time events we can (and there were tonnes in reception)- no way could we do this bar maybe once a week. As its a pain for teachers to facilitate this sort of thing also I suspect its generally beneficial for the demographic of the class- if you read at home and can't help not being able to go in then I would push that guilt away. I would say perhaps even if it's once a fortnight though could you arrange to go in? It seems unlikely all parents would be in everyday, as has been said perhaps it's to offer additional flexibility and raise the chances of people being able to attend x amount rather than assuming people will go in everyday?

Gcsunnyside23 · 12/10/2023 19:27

Hillarious · 12/10/2023 16:59

Swings and roundabouts.

I used to go into infant school to help when the children were first there, and go to assemblies etc for the few years I was a SAHM. We never had any spare money, and certainly no foreign holidays or music lessons, etc. Those luxuries eventually came when I was working, and then didn't have time to go into school.

Not really, most people work to live and feed their family not just for luxuries. It's brilliant you were able to but you can't assume it's a choice for everyone

surreygirl1987 · 12/10/2023 19:41

Once a month can't one of you build it into your day? I don't think missing one morning call every 2 months would lead to any issues at work

But it's not once a month. This takes place every day.

OP, I'm with you. I don't mind the odd assembly etc, as I can plan these, and always always attend, but every day just sets up some families to fail and didappoiny their kids!

ASCCM · 12/10/2023 19:43

Schools are absolutely bloody shit to working parents. That’s not changed since my youngest started in 2015!

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 12/10/2023 19:51

It’s a great idea, if this isn’t part of your ethos change schools.

'Ethos'?! Some parents can't just take time off work. I'm a teacher and know quite a lot of teachers who are married to teachers. None of the full time ones would ever be able to do this with their primary age children. I'm afraid if schools are going to do this, then parents who can't will just have to not go. But saying it's because they don't have the right ethos is offensive, frankly.

ActDottie · 12/10/2023 20:01

Can you really not build this into your day? Just occasionally, just block out the time in your work calendar on a wfh day? I’d be able to do this and work full time.

Original poster
IzTed · 12/10/2023 20:49

ActDottie · 12/10/2023 20:01

Can you really not build this into your day? Just occasionally, just block out the time in your work calendar on a wfh day? I’d be able to do this and work full time.

Thats not point. I can and do go when possible. But my DD is 4 (August baby at that), her closest friend in school has someone there everyday (her parents, grandparents etc.) as do a couple of other kids. She doesn’t really understand why I can’t go everyday and I’ve explained we need to work etc. But she is small and sees her friends having nice cuddles with their family while reading in the morning while she is with the teacher or TA.
There will be weeks where DH can go everyday or where I can start late a day or two but other weeks it isn’t possible, and I’d say we are lucky working parents to have that option. Like others have mentioned teachers, doctors, nurses, people paid by the hour might not have this option ever or often, and their children are reminded of that everyday rather than just once a month/half term; that’s really sad for those kids and doesn’t seem like a very nice way to start the school day, the parents will no doubt feel bad even though they are out providing for their child. There is enough things for working parents to feel bad about or try to fit in, between nativities and class shows and everything else without schools piling on a daily reminder!!
Sure monthly maybe even weekly is great, parents should be involved in their children’s education but daily seems more detrimental than beneficial.

OP posts:
myhusbandwantsadog · 12/10/2023 22:13

In my governor school we encourage parents to come and read but it wouldn't be in their own child's class because of this reason, among others.

surreygirl1987 · 12/10/2023 22:28

'Ethos'?! Some parents can't just take time off work. I'm a teacher and know quite a lot of teachers who are married to teachers. None of the full time ones would ever be able to do this with their primary age children. I'm afraid if schools are going to do this, then parents who can't will just have to not go. But saying it's because they don't have the right ethos is offensive, frankly.

I fully agree.