Pretty rubbish sex life but good husband

[oneflewoverthecukoo]

Been married 25 years with two teenage DC. It’s been pretty much like this from the beginning. DH is kind, generous, very practical and has built us a lovely home, great job so high earner. He’s also very much my type physically. DC love him obviously.
However, DH struggles with erections and also has little confidence. We use viagra but the sex is very mediocre as I think he worries about his erection and sensing this it makes it very hard for me to relax and let go. He was also brought up by a very strict catholic household and I think this has had an impact too. Outside of our sex life he shows me very little physical affection.
It’s hard because I don’t want him to know I’m unsatisfied as I fear it will knock his confidence even more.
Now the DC are getting older I’m starting to feel resentment towards DH. I’ve always looked after myself and am in pretty good shape etc but this has made me feel pretty undesirable. I would love someone to really desire me. I have got to the point where I am thinking about other men, although in reality I doubt I’d actually do anything. What would you do?

Tbh you met your DH like this so I think YABVU and not only that it has gone on 25 years!. Leave if you really want though.

That would be the dream for me, never having to have sex again! Peri has a lot to answer for...
Leave if you like, you may get all the sex you want, but not necessarily woth someone who you want a relationship with / wants one with you.

There's more to sex than piv, can't you work on other things with him? You don't have to tell him he's rubbish. Or do you involve toys? Order some fun stuff to use together maybe. Tell him you'd like to try something new.
Have you told him you'd like more cuddles and affection? Do you show him physical affection?

Has he always struggled getting an erection even when young? Never been interested in kissing or hugging you? My other though would be that he's possibly gay but his Catholic upbringing meant that he didn't feel it was ok to be gay. I really hope he hasn't been stringing you along for 25 years pretending he's straight because I know how that feels and it's pretty damn shit.

I voted Yabu, but I m sort of on the fence.

Do you stimulate yourself, use toys and lube, do other sexual acts other than penetrative sex?

Do you consider achievable desires? Such as other things that turn you on or make you feel sexual, as an example reading material, talking about sex, attending a sex cinema ?

Have you considered solutions to your sexual frustration, self satisfaction, toys and vibrators and lube, visual stimulants.

He sounds like a great life partner. Do you want to keep him and also find a way to have a sex life?

I agree I should never have let this carry on all this time, not sure why I have except for not wanting to make him feel worse.
it’s pretty much always been this way. I’ve thought about him being gay. I honestly don’t think so but obviously it’s a possibility.
He's had a very emotionally cold upbringing and never bonded with his mother who I think suffered from PND and has been depressed since. Father died when he was young.

I would love to use sex toys with him but he would see it as a criticism of his ability to please me.
I do have a couple that I use by myself, but have them hidden.
I use erotic literature etc to get myself in the mood before we have sex. I know when that’s going to be as he has to take viagra. It’s very depressing writing this.

My bf has ED. Ee used to have a rubbish sex life. He was so nervous about not getting an erection that he wouldn't even if he could. So we had sex still once a week but it just wasn't good or intimate. I stopped initiating and let him come to me. This lasted a few years. Then we figures out our communication. Now I request him to either use his mouth or his fingers. I specifically say that I want those as if to say I don't want piv. This way he can provide pleasure without me without being nervous and 9/10 it does lead to successfull penetrative sex. He feels good for providing what i wanted and I just feel good.

We all have the same bodies, and body parts, there are only so many positions and only so long that sex lasts. Even amazing sex only lasts so long, so don't feel too despondent.

Most people enjoy lube and toys these days, to enhance even the most energetic and fulfilling sex sessions.

Would it help if you both lightened up about sex in general, laughed about the messyness of sex, the ups and does, the communication about it all. Would a sex holiday help, go to the erotic museum in Amsterdam or Barcelona, followed by a nudest resort. Apparently, according to the Barcelona sex museum, the most amount of men one woman had sex with one day is 900, in contrast to a man 200 (odd), us ladies just receive, they have to put more work in..... I m going off on a tangent. The point I m trying to make is it's often difficult for men to fully please women or to please women consistently, but taking a lighthearted approach to finding a solution might save an otherwise wonderful relationship.

You could buy him a sex toy all for himself, sorry TMI, but a fake vagina wanking mitt, apparently they are great. Just to laugh and lighten up about it all, joint masturbation session. Just a suggestion.

I wish my husband didn't want it. I feel terrible for witholding on him but I couldn't care if I never do it again (peri menopause). Also it was never very good.

Do you love him, op? I wouldn’t leave an otherwise good relationship for this reason but I would try to improve things. You don’t need to say you’ve always been unsatisfied- you could frame it as something new (eg your sex drive increasing now your children are older or perhaps due to menopause).

Some sad cases on here, but peri / menopause has a lot to answer for with some women. As much as you love someone, sometimes it's just a warm cuddle that it needed to make me feel good.
We have a full, active love life but menopause has changed it abit.

Oh this is like my relationship to a certain extent and I LOVE IT ! Menopause stopped my desires and I enjoy my life never worrying about sex again. It suits us both 100% 👍🏼

It's up to you. If you aren't having much sex and neither of you is bothered then it's absolutely fine, it's nobody's business. And I think also it's quite a natural thing to go off sex, or to want it less. Throughout all human history until contraception was available couples wouldn't have been at it like rabbits in their 40s unless they wanted lots of children or the woman didn't have any choice in the matter 😢And frankly if we all carried on like we were 21, nothing would even get done, would it?

It's also ok to want a fulfilling sex life and to spilt up if you are not compatible. It just depends what is important to you in a relationship.

You sound like excellent candidates for sex therapy. Better communication could quite possibly alleviate some of the sexual anxiety and erection issues but even if it didn’t it would help you explore other areas of sexual and physical connection. You just need to find a gentle but firm way of letting him know that this is a serious issue for you and one you both need to work on together.

You’ll seriously regret leaving. You must be 45-50? I hate to tell you but it’s very likely that you’ve only got a few more years of wanting sex anyway. Maybe it’s the start of peri when your body is having a last-ditch attempt to get pregnant? Don’t let those hormones wreck the rest of your life.

There are very few decent men around. You may think that because you’re attractive you’ll easily find one of the better ones. You might, but even the better ones aren’t that great and they come with baggage.

Don’t throw your life away for something that in a few years will be very very unimportant.

Whilst it will undoubtedly hurt him, ultimately the only way you'll get change is to address it. You need to talk to him, he needs to seek medical help.

What's his foreplay like? Could you introduce toys so that it's fun without needing a huge emphasis on his erection?

@DelightfullyDotty totally agree with Dotty. The grass is rarely greener. It could take a long time to find the great sex you're after, and then they'll likely have other issues.

Work on what you have, for sure.

It all sounds a little bit cold and compartmentalised.

You're a grown woman of adult children, you shouldn't need to feel that you need to hid your vibrator from his sight, or rev yourselves up independantly using rude books and pills so you can do the deed, and then retreat to your corners until next time.

A decent sex life isn't something you can turn on and off, it's always on the agenda in some way, and if there is no physical affection or communication in between the days where he pops a blue pill and you lie back and do the duty, then it is going to be really unsatisfactory. See if you can open up a bit of dialogue about it as a start, there is heaps of resource online, check out Karen Gurny and Esther Perel podcasts, and her book Mating in Captivity.

Also, there are thousands of lesbians that will tell you that a decent sex life does not require an erect penis in the room. If you could both stop centering his erection, it might be a good start.

Couples counselling is what I'd do.

Defo couples counselling.

I kind of agree with the sentiment of this post but bloody hell let's not be so down on the OP!
Not every woman loses interest in sex as they get older - I'm deep into Peri and my sex drive hasn't waned one bit! If anything it's rocketing.

Yes, don't leave such a good thing because the grass is greener. But also, if sex is important to you, then it needs to be addressed.

Tell him you don't want piv sex just fingers/mouth.

Also I massively recommend the website OMGyes. Very informative. You can look at it together but if he's got the log in hopefully he will do some homework.

Obviously you need to be tactful but how is worrying about him being offended ok when he's not bothered you are unsatisfied? Councilling may be a way to tackle it. An awkward conversation or a few of them is certainly better than leaving an otherwise good man. There really are not that many good men out there you know.

This.