To leave

[sleepeat]

I have a 2 year old (24 months old). They don't speak (speech delay). Dreadful pregnancy, dreadful birth, dreadful maternity leave. I have a husband and we live together but I am repulsed by him and find him deeply unhelpful and frustrating.

Objectively I know my child, like every child, needs consistent love and care and attention. I feel nothing. I'm sick of being whined and screamed at. I'm sick of having to translate their non words and gestures into what they actually want. I'm sick of them not being able to speak. I'm sick of setting up activities only to find them interested in picking up dirt off the floor. I'm sick of following all the advice about encouraging them to speak and it having no effect. I'm sick of having to manage every aspect of the household and do all the planning. I'm sick of asking professionals for help and getting nowhere.
I'm sick of being surrounded by other mums who have picture perfect lives and are never frustrated by their children. I'm sick of every single day being utterly shit.

I don't doubt im depressed and have been since the birth. I take medication. I exercise. I do therapy. I spoke to the GP yesterday and the HV today - both basically unhelpful and there's nothing more they can do. Nothing makes any difference. My child deserves so so much better than this. Leaving seems the only option and totally separating myself from child and their father to give them the best chance of happiness.

Aibu to think this is the only way to address the misery at this point? Has anyone else left and it helped?

You poor thing.

I don’t think a mother ever leaving a child has been good for them but it sounds like you need a serious break. At least 4 days alone. Can you afford to stay in a hotel? Or go to your parents or a friends? My 4 year old’s autistic and during a phase of bad meltdowns I had to leave for 5 days to stop myself running away permanently.

Sending you virtual hugs and strength x

You are kind. and thank you for replying - especially as the only one. I don't have any family. I don't really have any friends. It all just feels quite bleak just now and like i wasnt cut out for motherhood

Oh lovely, it’s tough. My little boy didn’t speak until 3 and he is waiting for an asd diagnosis. Contact sediass in your area. Both HV and Gp are useless in my experience. Also contact the early years team at your Local authority.
Are you able to put him into a nursery for a few hours to get yourself some respite?

I am so sorry that things are so tough for you at the moment, leaving isn't really the answer, though when mine were small I would quite happily have moved out. To be fair the middle one is 15 and if I wasn't in my pj's at the moment I would probably be hopping in the car and driving off somewhere.

Break things down - do you need a medication review? Is there any local talking therapy organisations? - Your GP should be able to point you in the right direction (sometimes you have to self-refer rather than it being the GP to refer)
Go back to the HV and ask for a speech therapy referral, at 2 this is entirely appropriate if your LO isn't yet saying anything. - I get that the constant trying to work out what they want is exhausting. It was the SALT that referred ds onto the ASD assessment pathway for us. In all kindness - stop setting up activities, you're just going to end up beating yourself up about that.

A pp made a good suggestion about nursery - is there any scope to do that? Maybe post on the Special Needs board on here, sometimes it helps to just talk with those who are in a similar position.

Hold in there, sometimes just making it through the day is enough.

i think you just need a break. Can you go away for the weekend by yourself ?

it sounds like ASD. My son is ASD and while he didn’t have problems talking there were other things I can remember being upset that every other mother i knew didn’t have to deal with.

no advice on support over there because I’m in Australia. But maybe join a ASD Facebook group in your area, they may be able to help?

I really feel for you. If it’s any comfort I think there have been times in most mothers’ lives when they aren’t doing the day to day stuff out of love but out of pure responsibility. I remember looking at my DS when he was about 3 months and crying thinking that I didn’t love him because I didn’t feel anything except numb exhaustion and sadness.

That feeling passed. And then he turned into a toddler with needs who screamed and had meltdowns and I felt the same again - like a shitty failure of a mother. But when he started nursery that feeling passed again and I realised that I was not cut out to be a stay at home mum with a toddler all day. It wasn’t good for me or him. But honestly I wanted to run away and escape more than anything.

You NEED a break because you sound exhausted. Not like a failure or a bad person but someone that has been exhausted for two years. A break for you might be 15 hrs nursery? 3 hrs a day to relax?

I know it feels like forever but he can go to a school nursery next year and things will be a lot different xxx

She does go to nursery. This week was dreadful because she was off sick so it was even more dreadful. how shit a mother am i that i cant cope with three days with my kid. i just want to run away and hide and never come back

I can't really cope with her having asd. I have spent two years trying to convince every health professional we need help because she isn't developing right and they have all dismissed my worries. But it is obvious now to everyone that she is never going to speak. I see other people's lives who have children with significant needs it looks like f*ing hard, thankless work.

I have had so much shit landed on top of me and I just need something materially in my life to be better. It makes me a shit mother, but I just desperately desperately need her to talk and develop 'normally'. all the advice around speech makes it really clear its the parents (mothers) fault when they dont (all the advice is about what you can do to help them talk). i took medication in pregnancy and the birth was really physically traumatic for us both so it clearly is my fault.

I read to her all the time. i talk to her loads. I don't ask questions, i talk clearly and slowly, we try and do imaginative play and singing and anything you can think of. Why won't she talk?

there is no where to have a break. I just dont have anyone else around me. i cant see any friends because i cannot bear hearing about their lives and their children who are chatting away and developing on track. i have gone to every service i know of to ask for help and i cant seem to get any. I spoke to the samaritans last night out of desperation.

I didn't speak until I was over 2. Nor did my brother-in-law. My son was still at the "dada, mama" stage at 24 months.
Tbh, I'm pretty sure that both I and my brother-in-law are a bit 'spergy, but, you know, within functional limits. Now I can't sit here and tell you everything's going to be okay, but on the anecdotal experience of my close family, I'd say it probably will be.

What DOES seem certain is that you're knackered, fed up and feeling awful because you think everyone else's kids are doing fine, while yours isn't.

Living with two-year-olds is knackering at the best of times but if you're crippled by worry and comparisons with others it's just dreadful.

Do try to cut yourself and your daughter some slack. Can you give yourself a break for a few days? Take care xx

You poor thing, you've been through a hell of a time. I am useless, no advice but I hear you. It's not your fault, at all

It really isn't your fault, and there is nothing that says she will never talk. I know with my ds that I had to take it right back to simple one or two word phases, it was too much otherwise.

You are not a shit mother, you wouldn't be posting if you were, you care deeply about her, you are overwhelmed with everything, that's different.

As I said before explore options for talking therapy for you and push the HV for a SALT referral.

STOP BLAMING YOURSELF RIGHT NOW.

It sounds like part of what you're experiencing is grief. The 7 stages of grief. You think your child has ASD, and, I've been there twice, it is DEVASTATING. It sounds to me like you are going through the 7 stages of grief, and right now you're in the anger phase. You're angry with your daughter and you're also so angry with yourself and your partner and you're full of guilt and shame for feeling that way.

A lot of children with ASD talk late. A lot of them don't start talking until age 3 or 4. There is still plenty of time for your daughter to start talking.

What you need right now is someone, a professional, to listen to you, and get your child a referral. I'd contact my GP in the morning and tell them you want a referral to a paediatrician as you believe your daughter is autistic. Just get straight to the point. Also, contact her nursery and ask them to make a written statement about her development/behaviour/additional needs that they have observed.

You can do this. You are a fantastic mother. You're fighting so hard for your daughter! You're an absolute hero! You are the one who meets her every need! Book yourself a massage, indulge in your favourite treats. Trust that you can do this, that it doesn't matter that your child is autistic, all that matters is that they are happy. Just focus on that right now. Working out what makes them happy and how you can enjoy those times together and feel connected and loved.

thanks everyone. I need to re-read these messages but i did feel my heart lift a bit on the first read over. @PurpleOrchid42 you're right. There is a lot of grief and anger. Not least because the pregnancy i had was just awful - full of lots of uncertainty / concern about baby development and i was in a huge amount of pain throughout. I am so sad and so angry that this is where we are, and that the misery has piled on us. I don't wish hardship on other people, but it does feel remarkably unfair that we have had all the things to deal with while others breeze through life.

it just feels like i should have joy in day to day things. in my daughter. in the little things she does and enjoys. but all i feel is failure and sadness

Oh I've been there so many times, almost wishing some people would have to struggle like we do with our kids, so they could understand how hard it is. And how much it just hurts sometimes to see how carefree their lives seem in comparison. I saw something the other day about 'glimmers' as opposed to triggers. Glimmers of the good things that are to come. They are there every day, you've just got to try to look for them.