To expect anything of my Bipolar sister

[Icantadulttoday]

My sister has in recent years been diagnosed with Bipolar disorder and ADHD.
She moves a lot and always lives at least two hours away so we don't see each other a lot. She barely contacts me or our parents and often doesn't respond when we contact her. This week she turned up at my parents to stay with only 24 hours notice after only sending a handful of messages over the last 3 months.
She said she was PROBABLY coming to see me and her Nephew and Neice yesterday. In the morning I messaged her to ask if she was coming and a what time. She very rudly replied that she didn't know and that she 'couldn't function or make decisions until she had her coffee because of her ADHD'. It was gone 9 am and I'd already been up for 3 hours so wanted ro get on with my day and make plans if she wasn't coming. When she arrived she bought her own coffee because I only had instant. I asked if I could have some and she acted like I was taking the mick. Then I asked if she would play with her Neice for 5 minutes while I had a shower (clingy 2 year old so getting a shower is not always easy without help) She made me feel like this was completely unreasonable. I tried to have a heart to heart with her but it escalated, her saying she 'can't cope with everyones expectations' and that it's unreasonable to expect her to contact me and the kids more often and she needed everyone to '(expletive) off and stop needing anything from her'
She then completely flew off the handle infront of my toddler, screamed, swore and stormed out.

I know she is very mentally unwell and is getting worse. It's heartbreak to see! but am I really unreasonable to expect anything of her?
Do my needs or feelings in our relationship no longer matter? Do I have to take her making me feel like me and the children mean nothing to her, but still be there when she needs something?
I understand that this was a Bipolar episode but when she calms down from these she never apologises. Am I unreasonable to expect and apology or should I let it slide because its a symptom?

YANBU to feel how you feel but in my experience some bi-polar people really struggle to have insight into their own behaviour and how it affects others. The person I know who is frankly extremely unwell is incredibly intelligent and is a genuinely a good person, but their head is a mess and they really cannot be expected to meet anyone elses needs. They also don’t apologise because they struggle to comprehend the difference in themselves during a manic episode. They literally cannot do it. The best you can do for yourself is emotionally detach a bit, it’s not you or your children, don’t feel it’s a reflection of a lack of love because it won’t be. 💐

I have a bipolar brother and we are each other's only living relative.

I have learned not to expect anything positive or helpful from him over the years, but I ring him and see how he is every 2-3 weeks, and help him with stuff like his benefits and an issue he had with his electricity supply.

He's never asked to come and visit though, and I'd be inclined to refuse if he did. He's a recluse except when he's heading for a manic episode, so the very fact that he wanted to come would be a bit of a red flag. He's under the community mental health team and I ring them when I have concerns for his MH.

I realised expecting anything helpful from him was futile when our DM died and we had two weeks to clear 30 years worth of hoarding out of her council house. She lived 120 miles from me and about 90 miles from him, so not local, and the house was such an utter tip that I couldn't even stay over until I'd done about 3 days work.

My DB came and "helped" for one day, and his "help" seemed to consist mostly of standing around in the garden smoking weed and giggling. I had to sort the funeral, register the death, and do every damn thing myself.

Definitely detach now and take what she said at face value, to shout and swear in front of your little one as well unfortunately is not good.

She clearly felt pressured to visit you and it probably escalated from that point.

I would keep a healthy distance and only text if she texts first, don’t take it to heart as hard as that is as she probably can’t help some of it.

@Noicant Thanks for your response. It's hard not to take it to heart as she's actually a social person who manages to maintain lots of friendship with people she contacts and visits often. She has also maintained 3 long term romantic relationships over the years, all but one ended amicably. So she seems to care about everyone except me and our parent's. She's told me to leave her alone. Although I don't want to I will respect her wishes. I suffer from very low self esteem and its really making me question if I am a likeable person or if I've done something to make her feel negatively towards me.

I have bipolar.

It’s a hard condition for sure there are two types bipolar I and bipolar II. One day you can function and the next making any kind of decision is too much plus when very unwell have mania or depression. Think of the most extreme sadness or happiness you have ever had and times that by a 1000% and then have no rationality or insight. If it’s rapid cycling you could go through the extreme ends in a day.

I have had manic episodes and did lose my hard earned career. I have co operated fully with my MH team but went from someone with a very full life to not even leaving the house at all for almost two years when I first became unwell. At the end of my mania last time I slept for close to 24 hours.

Committing to anything is difficult because whilst anyone can agree to something and it may even be something pleasant that they want to do desperately anyone can have a change of heart. But our change of heart isn’t I just don’t fancy it now it’s extreme. It is an incredibly exhausting condition.

How well she does will be governed by how well they tweak hers meds, some meds such as lithium can damage your heart. Plus learning to try and control your episodes, limit the damage. That’s the hardest bit. I am off meds with the agreement of my medical team, I have a heart condition so they have been stopped for a few years now. I attended a course for 2 years that was three times a week for treatment and had a further 4 years of weekly sessions. I have about as much insight as is possible because I had a lot of help. That intense sort of MH assistance is rarely available, it was on the NHS.

I have apologised because of my episodes but I was literally reprogrammed. I can recognise the signs of an episode but I can’t stop the episode. I take myself away from society if I recognise the signs. My condition is managed as well as possible by lots of rest, no alcohol and as little stress as possible, I have quite a quiet life. I am luckily married to a very understanding man who has a very decent career, we met when young at work and financially we are fine.

MH illness does not give someone the excuse to behave badly but if they do with bipolar when in an extreme episode at the time they do not know what they are saying or doing. I have a name for when my illness is really bad it is literally like becoming a different person.

You cannot expect anything of her because from one day to the next maybe one hour to the next because her emotional regulation can change in a way that no human should have to endure. It’s a lonely illness.

She's masking with other people in her life I expect, but she won't do that with you. Not the LTRs but they're not still around so potentially she became her more honest self with them towards the end. It's absolutely nothing to do with who you are as a person. Just withdraw and try to work on other relationships in your life, friendships with other women perhaps.

@LakieLady I think I just need to adjust. She has had rather a rapid decline which has sadly happened since her diagnosis. While we didn't have a lot of contact before we always got on and were mostly able to have open conversations. She was so excited to be an auntie when I was pregnant with my son, whos 5, and at one point even expressed wanting me to move closer to her so she could see us more. It's like she is a completely different person now.
I guess I have changed too...I was always a doormat but I stand up for myself more now.

@Sufferedforyoursanity Thankyou for your insight. I'm sorry you have had to go through all that. I think I just need time to grieve the relationship I thought I would have with her. Part of the trouble is even when she is in a good place she rarely asks how me, the kids or our parents are. It's hard to understand what is the illness and what is just indifference toward us.
She is currently not speaking to me. I don't know whether to open the communication channels or weather to just leave her alone. We currently have no idea where she is.
She doesn't discuss her treatment plan with us but claims she 'can't be medicated' she has never expressed a desire to get better, rather a desire for everyone to adjust to accommodate her (I think both are necessary) she uses recreational drugs to try and stabilise herself which clearly doesn't work (she doesn't appear to have addiction issues though as she changes her drugs of choice and sometimes goes without for long periods) maybe this is why I'm getting frustrated as she doesn't seem to want to accept any meaningful help.
I have a phone appointment with Bi-polar uk on Monday to help get a better understanding of how to handle this. I don't want to abandon her but she is pushing me away.

@YesThatsATurdOnTheRug Yes she knows I will never abandon her. I'm lucky that I have some very good female friends

@Jhvnnoo0008889837373 Thanks. I know she can't help a lot of it. But I will be keeping my distance from now on. I'm heartbroken to be honest.

@Icantadulttoday i feel it’s a different ball game if she refuses to medicate properly and uses recreational drugs, I’m not sure how that would help her at all and it seems to me that you and your family are absorbing the fall out from this.
With recreational drugs what goes up must come down and that would intensify the outbursts tenfold.