I don't want to see my husband's family members anymore...

[kiaraluna]

Sorry about the long story, but it's something that has lasted for over 10 years... I've been together with my husband for 10+ years, married for 4 years. For all these years, I've tried my best to "please" my MIL - I mean I do things to please her not for the sake of fawning, but because I really care about her and I want her to feel happy, especially when she doesn't seem to be happy about her life. (She whines a lot about having no freedom, working too hard, being treated badly by my FIL, who's not my husband's biological father. They run a convenience store near their home which opens 365 days a year. She never gets the chance to take rest, to go on vacation etc.)

But for all these years, her reaction to anything I give or do for her is rejection. Sometimes she asks me a lot of questions like she's doubting my intention, sometimes she says that she doesn't want those things and even gives them to someone else right in front of me or asks me to take them back. But if someone else (like her daughter or even just a neighbour) does or buys her the same things, she always happily accepts and tells me how much she appreciates them for being so caring (hello? am I a joke to her?). All these things make me think that she has a problem only with me, and is even hostile towards me. At first, my husband thought that I was being sensitive and overthinking. But later on, after too many obvious incidents, my husband agreed with what I felt, but asked me not to get upset about it because he believes her mother isn't a bad person. I also didn't think she's bad at heart, maybe she's mean only because she's not happy with her life. And so I tolerated it as much as I could, and I still kept on trying no matter how many times she kept rejecting me.

Also, my husband and I always have to run errands for her, drive her everywhere, and lie for her when she has to do things that aren't allowed by FIL. For example, she's not allowed to meet up with her niece just because FIL has a problem with her. So every time when she wants to have lunch with her niece, my husband and I have to help lying to FIL that we're taking her out for lunch, and we have to pick her up from the store so that FIL sees it and won't get paranoid, then we will drive her to meet up with her niece. And because she isn't allowed to leave the store for too long, even though they have hired a part time helper and it isn't really so busy that it requires 3 people working there at the same time (it's a very small store, basically only selling drinks and cigarettes), she needs us to do things for her which are actually much easier and take much less time for her to do herself. Like we have to get medicines for her every month from a clinic, which is only 10 min away from her place but 1 hour away from ours. We're sacrificing ourselves (our time, our energy, our emotional stability) helping her with every tiny matter in her life that she thinks she's not allowed to do or cannot solve herself. For some reason, her life is controlled by FIL, and we always have to come to her rescue. I think it's ridiculous for FIL to treat her like this, but also pathetic for her to let this happen, because there was actually a time when she decided to leave him, and at last FIL apologised, made many promises and begged her to come back. She clearly has the power to turn things around, and he clearly shouldn't have so much power since it's him who can't live without her. But she still failed to take control of her life... after that time, things only got better for a while but then returned to the old ways soon. She's miserable, but she probably chooses that herself?

And I don't know if it's just common for MILs to resent their daughters-in-law, sometimes I think she rejects or is hostile to me intentionally for no reason. For example, my husband and I accompanied her to have some routine body checks several times last year, even though it would only take her 10 min by taxi to go there by herself, while we had to drive an hour to pick her up. I mean, she's not sick or weak. She's in her early 60s, healthy, and those were only regular check ups. But anyway, we're there for her every time. I'm a very sensitive person, after a few times I observed that it didn't seem like she wanted me there. So I told my husband that it'd be better if I didn't go next time, so that his mum could have some alone time with him. But he said I was overthinking, and so I went with him again next time, only to finally hear my MIL say to my husband right in front of me, "You wife is clinging to you all the time that I don't even get the chance to talk to you." But I didn't do anything clingy, I actually always do things alone and I was there every time only because my husband wanted me to. And I'm a quiet person who doesn't talk much. She definitely could talk to her son as much as she wanted, unless it's something she couldn't talk about with my presence - and it somehow just proved my intuition: she didn't want me there because she thought I was standing between her and her son.

A few weeks ago, my husband and I went to get medicines for her again. And I was also bringing her some vegetables I grew at home (she asked for some after she saw the photos of them), and some fish soup that I made for her. It's her favourite soup... she made it sometimes when we had dinner at her place, but I never made it myself cos it's a bit complicated to make... But when I finally learned how to make it after I got pregnant last month (fish soup is good for pregnant women), I wanted to specially make one for her. Even though I felt unusually tired and uncomfortable at the lower part of my body while standing in the kitchen for over an hour making the soup that time, I thought it would be worth it thinking she would appreciate that I made her her favourite soup. (P.S. we hadn't told any family members about our pregnancy news because we wanted to wait until after 12 weeks)

On our way to the clinic, our car came across a very long bumpy road, and after bumping for a few minutes, I had this weird feeling in my stomach... but then went about the day as usual.. When we finally got the medicines and brought them to her, and I gave her the vegetables and the soup. But her first reaction was to complain about the small amount of the vegetables and then asked me to take them back because she didn't want them anymore. The amount of vegetables I gave her was indeed smaller than what she could see from the photos, because I could only cut the ripped ones for her, and I only grew a few pots and I didn't have a farm, so what did she expect from me? There's not a lot but definitely enough for her and FIL for dinner that night... but she said it like I was too stingy to give her all my harvest... She looked very unsatisfied and then she just put away the soup before I could say anything...

Anyway, we left very soon (but we still got a ticket for illegal parking again... because there are no parking spots near her store and of course she couldn't even walk a few steps to our car to get the medicines). I felt a bit upset even though I was quite used to her resentment, but I tried not to be too upset because I was pregnant and I wanted to maintain a positive mood. I didn't really think about it until later that night, she called my husband. I was sitting right next to him and so I heard what she said. She complained again about me giving just that tiny bit of vegetables, and she also said my soup didn't taste good (I only gave her the soup after my husband said it tasted as good as his mum's... and he is always honest about it, he never lies about it just to keep me happy... Both of us thought it tasted good before we thought it's ok to give it to her... so I honestly don't think it's so bad that she had to call my husband for that...). My husband didn't know I heard it all, and I refrained from talking about it with him even though I felt insulted because I didn't want to dwell on it to affect my mood (I would have if I was not pregnant). I just swallowed my feelings and tried to forget what I heard.

The next night, I had a miscarriage.

I knew it had nothing to do with my feelings getting hurt, or getting too tired making the soup, or going through that bumpy road the day before... I knew miscarriage can happen for no reason. Maybe there're already signs before that day that I missed. I knew I can't blame it on anyone or anything. But still, it was a wake up call for me to finally think that enough is enough, and that I no longer want to put anyone's needs and feelings on top of mine. I've tried and tried and tried for 10+ years, to do everything I could to show her that I cared about her, but everything I did was in vain and not appreciated. Why on earth should I keep trying? I'm done.

After "recovering" from the pain of losing my first baby (by that I only mean I could finally stop crying and "get back to normal" after a week, but I don't think this wound would ever completely recover...), I "jokingly" told my husband that I thought I might not have lost the baby if I had taken care of myself first and didn't do all those things for her mother, and that I had enough of her rejecting, being fussy and ungrateful for all the things I did for her. Not to mention all his problematic family members - FIL being so stubborn and controlling, his sister and brother-in-law being greedy and shady, trying to scam MIL & FIL to get their money (that's another story... MIL & FIL almost got scammed by them until I spent so much time and energy analyzing the situation to my husband and urged him to talk to my MIL.. they would have lost their lifetime savings if they believed in sister and brother-in-law, but all these time they thought they're the good ones who care about them while saw me as an outsider).

I told him that I'm not going to waste my time and energy on them, nor do anything for them anymore. I don't even want to see them anymore, but we usually meet up once a month for dinner. I didn't show up for dinner last month because it was just a few days after the miscarriage, and my husband has canceled this month's dinner. But they're going to arrange a birthday dinner for me next month, which my husband wants me to attend. But honestly I don't want to. I know I would put him in a very difficult situation if he has to explain/lie to them time after time why I'm missing all the dinners, but I just really don't want to go anymore.

AIBU? Am I blaming them for things that they're not responsible for? What should I do to not put my emotional wellness at risk while not upsetting anyone?

Put your foot down and don't let your DH emotionally blackmail you.
He's. Practically letting her abuse you.
You need to have a very strong conversation with him.

Just don't see them hon, I stopped seeing my DHs family years ago and it's been brilliant 👍💐 I'm sorry about your miscarriage x

Op I can't wade thru all that

Don't see them.
I always think, is your conscious clear, have tried your best. Yes.
Then cut them loose gently, no big announcement and that's it

I had to stop at the fish soup because it's so long, sorry. Look, you don't have to do all this much. See her a lot less. Let your husband go on his own.
Make up excuses,don't reply to her texts, just keep it low contact to big holidays or events only. You've tried long enough to make it work.

I did my best to wade through all that, there was a bit too much detail. But what came over loud and clear is that your MIL is a dreadful person. Agree that it’s time to take a step back, maybe only see her occasionally. I think you should attend the Birthday dinner to be reasonable towards your husband who is stuck in the middle but then not see her again until the next family celebration.

No more pandering to her with gifts she throws back in your face.

@SeulementUneFois It was the first 5 years we're together that he thought I was being sensitive thinking his mum was hostile towards me (and I actually only voiced that out to him on the 3rd year I think... so that lasted for around 2 years that I had a hard time trying to make him understand why I felt that way when he thought I was overthinking). But later when we decided to get married, and our families met up for dinner for the first time, he acted so unsettling after the dinner, and asked me if I thought his mum was mean... And I was like, "I told you so before for so many times, you only realised it now?"

He felt that way because he was worried that my family members would feel offended and dislike her, while I actually didn't think his mum had said anything mean on that night. It's either I was too used to it, or he suddenly became very sensitive and care about it in a situation that kind of affected him (he didn't want my family to have a bad impression of his). That's when he finally agreed with everything that I said about his mum, and said that she's mean and inappropriate in many occasions.

So he actually understands and supports me now, and especially after the miscarriage, even when I kind of blamed it on his mum, he said that he understood how I felt and asked me not to force myself to do anything that I don't want to, and to take care of myself before worrying about others. But I think he doesn't expect that I really want to cut his family off for good, which in fact would really put him in a very difficult situation. He already told me twice that they're going to have birthday dinner with me, and I said, "no, thank you" both times, but he tried to convince me to go... I think because he doesn't know how to explain to his family if I keep disappearing (I skipped the dinner last month after miscarriage, which he had to lie about it because we didn't even tell them we were pregnant to begin with. And I also missed the dinner the month before because I stayed in another country for a few weeks for IVF - that's how I got pregnant - and he had to lie about it saying I was on a work trip, which MIL asked a lot of questions about it because she didn't believe that I had to work overseas for that long...) Anyway, I know it's difficult for him to keep lying. I care about how he feels, but I just honestly don't want to see them anymore, at least for in the near future.

He can just say you're busy. You could be zero contact or just send a text for birthdays, maybe meet them twice a year or if it's an important wedding or something. If it's something pertaining to celebrating you then you just don't invite them and decline their offer. If it's your husband birthday he will be inviting his family so you might want to keep it low contact rather than no contact you also need to stop being a people pleaser but you don't need to go zero contact very low contact seems more realistic because your husband is just too close to his family and even if he sees they are mean, he will miss his family and resent you if you try to make him see them less or choose between you and them so low contact is my advice. Make up stock excuses why you can't go, i mean he already lies for his mum so im sure he can for you.

after a while they will stop asking where you are and get the hint. it's just more intense initially with the guilt tripping.

Definitely do only the absolute minimum. No gifts, no trying to please her all the time. Just step back. Maybe a dinner together once a month but don’t try hard and don’t expect her to be different. What would happen if you confronted her and said you weren’t giving her gifts again because she never likes what you buy and she just complains all the time. Ask her if she is depressed. Back off and minimise emotional investment and look after yourself.

I’m going to be blunt. You sound high drama and hard work. Your MIL sounds high drama and hard work. You both sound batshit in different ways. Your FIL sounds psychotic. There is zero reason/need for you to maintain contact with your in-laws, you are probably best situated away from each other and there is absolutely no reason to feel bad or guilt over this. Up to your DH how he wants to handle this all. If he wants to do all that running around for a seemingly able bodied person who can’t be bothered to tell her DH to pull his head in, then that’s on him. As long as he doesn’t come home and tell you MIL/FIL stories so you maintain the interaction by proxy though.

@ughcantbelieveimaskingthis I also think I can just attend special occasions/celebrations and skip all others, but because next month's dinner is for my birthday, it seems unreasonable for me to skip, but I honestly don't want to... maybe because I'm not ready after the miscarriage, or maybe I just don't want to no matter what... I just can't imagine faking a smile, cutting cakes, taking photos with them next month... I'm not ready for that...

You can say that you want/ are having a small birthday dinner with your family or friends and you don't want two.
But in any case just say no.
You don't need an excuse.
Why do you have to be reasonable?

MIL certainly isn't reasonable.
She definitely doesn't come out with a reasonable excuse for being a b to you.

Take a leaf out of her book.

Look up "the missing stair". The unreasonable people will always be catered to.
Act like one for a bit so you're catered to for a while.

You've tried explaining so now stop. Aside from the birthday meal when DH says let's go see MIL just say no I won't be going. Explaining yourself and trying to justify yourself over and over is just exhausting.

If it’s too soon after your miscarriage etc then just pretend to be ill that day. Then go low contact going forward.

Stop being a martyr with regard to your MIL. She doesn't like you and she's a horrible person.

She won't change, but you can change how you react to her. Stop doing things for her. You don't owe her anything.

By continuing like this you are only creating drama for yourself. 10 Years of this?!! Fuck that! Start living your life the way you want the next 10 years to be.

Seriously, all the change you want and need is within YOU. Not her. But you have to make that choice.

@Twiglets1 I also think I attend the Birthday dinner to be reasonable towards my husband... but perhaps it's still too close to my miscarriage? And also because something that happened in the recent few months in their family that made me really sick of them (my husband's sister and brother-in-law tried to scam them for their money, I was the one who saw the problem and wanted to warn MIL against their scheme, but husband was too slow on the uptake and refused to interfere, MIL & FIL didn't tell us what's going on when sister and brother-in-laws tried to keep us in the dark... I spent so much time and energy to finally made my husband understand the severe consequences and to warn MIL about that... so that they won't lose their lifetime savings...). I just think his family members are all very dishonest and ungrateful, and spending time with time is draining.

@HoppingPavlova You think that I'm high drama and hard work because I wrote such a long piece talking about these small things that don't really hurt. Honestly, for the first few years, I also thought I was petty and a snowflake to be upset with MIL, but when these things kept happening, and then you realised she did all these because she actually kind of hated you and sometimes intentionally insulted you and hurt you for no reason... I tend to write a lot cos usually I keep these things in my heart without expressing or venting to anyone for years, because I don't want to make it a big deal... and I tried to convince myself that I'm overreacting, then when I reached a tipping point, all I can do is write and write and write... just write them all out...

What I mentioned seem to be very trivial matters that I shouldn't even get upset with or remember. But what I didn't mention is MIL always says things that're insulting to me, she likes to passive aggressively say things to imply that I took all his son's time, attention and money. She thinks I'm like a leech or a parasite. She also thinks that I'm a "princess" who needs his son to take care of, who doesn't do housework, doesn't know how to cook etc... while actually I take very good care of his son and do all the things that a good wife should do, while also juggling with my career.

When my husband's sister and brother-in-law tried to scam MIL & FIL for their lifetime savings, there're people who said I was high drama reacting to what's happening in their family, and questioned why I cared about whether MIL & FIL would lose all their money that much (because that's their money, and they can spend however they want to spend it). People think I was overreacting to things that are none of my business, and don't believe that I just genuinely care and don't want unjust things like these to happen, especially to my family - even though people said they're my husband's family, not mine.. so I was being a drama queen.. But if I didn't make my husband understand how serious a matter it was, so that he finally warned MIL about it, they'd have lost all their savings for retirement and they'll become very miserable... Now that I know I really shouldn't have cared so much, because the people I cared about don't know or feel it, and the people who hear me tell my story think I'm high drama and hard work..

@kiaraluna google JADE - Justify, argue, defend and explain. You are spending so much time doing this and it's having an impact on you. You are going to end up exhausted, low and resentful if you aren't already. You just had a miscarriage (sorry for your loss 💐). Give yourself a break and then think about the future with a child and your MIL.

@historyrepeatz I already told my husband several times that I won't be doing all those things for her anymore. He can do it himself, but don't get me involved cos I'm done. I also told him I don't want to see his family anymore. I don't know if he took what I said seriously or thought that I would eventually come around because I'm only acting like this while still grieving about the miscarriage with a lot of mixed emotions and angers (which can be quite unreasonable)... Maybe I can eventually feel comfortable seeing them again, but not now, not next month, not for my birthday... I don't need them celebrate with me, I don't want to celebrate anything now...

@TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit Yes, at this point I think I just have to make peace with the fact that she doesn't like me, and I can't change that, and it's actually ok. I just have to stop care about her, and also the other members of my husband's family, cos they are not worth it.

I’ve only read your first post. Tell your dh you are not going.

It really depends how you feel when it gets to the time of the dinner. For now, I would say you will attend. But having a miscarriage takes a big emotional toll, I know that from my own experience.

You should communicate to your husband that you will try to attend big events for the sake of family harmony. But you will see if you feel mentally strong enough on the day to attend this dinner. If you feel very emotional then you may not be able to face it, it’s as simple as that. Your husband would not be lying if he said you were unwell, only hiding the real reason behind it.

You’re finally standing up for yourself. Despite your H’s awful emotional manipulation and the abuse from that awful woman, you’re doing it. Keep doing it.

Don’t entertain any of your H’s tactics, just say ‘no thank you’. And ignore them.

She clearly hates you when you try and try to ‘please’ her, so who gives a shit what she says now you’ve finally stopped bothering?

And your husband acknowledging his mother’s behaviour but instructing you to not get upset and expecting you to still see her is fucked.

Just tell your DH you already made it clear to him that you would not see his family and that means you are not joining any birthday dinner. Then stick to it. And stop trying to please your MIL (or anybody).