I don’t know where to start or why I’ve even started a thread here but I guess I just feel like I needed someone to talk to that isn’t my close family I guess.
I’m coming up 36 next month and I just feel like I’ve wasted my life so much up until this point. The best thing to come out of my life so far is my 3 beautiful children who I absolutely adore, I live for these kids…
I just feel very reflective and flat about how my life could have been so much different and how much better of a life they could have had if things were different.
After school I went to college for a bit, studied different courses for around 3-4 years because I was very undecided about what career path I wanted to do. Eventually decided on psychology. Left college and met someone and after a while we had a baby together. I still wanted to go to uni so waited until my son was through the newborn phase etc and started part time uni when he was 18 months. The degree took me 6 years, in which time I had my second son. Passed my degree with first class honours and shortly after caught pregnant with my little girl.
I struggled through uni massively and was very surprised with my classification. It gave me the drive to want to go on to masters. Applied for uni’s got accepted then covid hit. I’ve always suffered with anxiety esp social anxiety so it’s always been a barrier in my life to the point does affect my daily life. On top of that I suffer with chronic migraines and have done for years but in the last few years they have gotten a lot worse. I struggle to function when I have one and they occur at least 3-4 times a month lasting for between 3-5 days.
Both these conditions have been a huge factor in me pursuing my career and I have hit a standstill where I don’t know what to do anymore. I regret not doing more with my life and having a better life for me & my kids. We live month to month on a budget and it is a struggle. I want so much more for them 😭 and feel like such a shit mum some days because I just feel like I’m not enough I guess. I struggle by just to get them the things they want - it would be just so nice to have the option to just buy something they want without having to save for ages for it first.
I’m not usually one to compare as I do believe comparison is the thief of joy but sometimes when they say things like ‘oh my friend is going to America for 2 weeks’ it just makes me feel a bit crap like I wish I could do that for them 😢 if we go anywhere it’s a uk break camping 🏕️
I don’t know how to pull myself out of this or where to start - how can I be of use to any employer when I can barely function for more than half of the month? I’m on meds for my migraines but that just reduces the severity a little. I really want to make my life better for my sake & my kids