To not want to have sex?

[ofcourseivenced]

DP and I have each had a lot on our plates lately, enough to mean we're pretty much dealing with our own stuff alone as opposed to sharing the load. We've been distant, there's been practically zero affection (physical or verbal) for quite a while and DP is quite an insensitive individual at the best of times. I have very little sex drive, probably through a combination of sleep deprivation, still breastfeeding (>1y) and stress, but I believe a large contributing factor is the lack of spark between DP and I these days. DP has previously expressed how important he views sex as part of a relationship and he has a much higher sex drive than me. He'll randomly ask me when DC has gone to bed and I'm in the middle of working if I fancy a quickie, and the honest answer is no.

I feel bad because I know he "needs" it more than I do at the moment. AIBU to say no (repeatedly) if I'm not feeling it?

Welll I would tell him a quickie after a stressful day isn't really what does it for you op

Hormone changes decide your sec drive and I know when I've got a lot on and I'm stressed the last thing I want is a quickie.

Tell him to up his game op.

Sounds like the first thing you need to do is start making time for each other to spend together. Hopefully some physical intimacy will come out of that.

I don’t think suggestions of a quickie on top of your current busy situation and lack of connection each other will magically help.

I think if this continues for many years you both have every right to say the relationship is rubbish, split and move on, so do nothing to try to improve the situation at your peril, if you wish to stay together.

I wouldn't feel bad about not wanting a quickie. Coming from someone who has a very high sex drive ( I could happily have sex every night) your partner most certainly doesn't 'need' it. He wants it frequently but if you are not in the mood then you're not in the mood. I'd also find myself wanting it less and less the more he asked/pestered...especially if it's just "do you want a quickie?" because where's the intimacy? Work together to try and get your sex drive back, go on dates, spend time together in bed cuddling/talking/massage etc. that might help you to feel more sexual again. It's hard when your breasts have been claimed by a baby for months on end, for both of you, but don't feel like it's solely your responsibility to build up your sex drive, he should do things to help too.

Thank you all.

The most intimacy I get from him is him grabbing my boobs when our toddler has gone most of the day without nursing and they're getting quite full/big. Like some of you have said, I really don't get turned on by it (in fact, quite the opposite) probably because I'm still feeding and they aren't sexualised in my eyes at the moment.

@Housefullofcatsandkids Rightly or wrongly, I have been feeling that way exactly and I think that's why I feel so consciously awkward over saying no, as though I'm not doing enough to 'fix' my drive.

Clearly foreplay isn't his thing!

Has he always been so insensitive or is this a new thing?

I can see where you're coming from, I suppose he probably thinks he's trying by grabbing you and asking you for sex. It's just a blunt way of doing it that isn't very appealing when you've lost your sex drive. Maybe sit down and explain to him that you're not feeling in the mood at the moment but you want to change that. Communication is the best thing, it'll stop him from feeling rejected and he'll know that this isn't forever but also give you the opportunity to talk about some things you might enjoy doing to get the spark back. Reminiscing about previous experiences might help too.

Sex isn't a need, it's a desire. It's never unreasonable to not want it, or say no.

Sounds like all he's after is his own orgasm. Has never heard of masturbation?

Well you don’t die without it but it does make life not worth living.

It depends if you want to stay together OP.

Mismatched sex drives cause long term misery.

The person with the higher drive is best off out of it asap.

I feel the same as you OP and also am bf.

I always say to my husband, men are like microwaves and women are like ovens. You can just click start and the heat is on but I need time!!! Though when I am hot, I am hot!

Anyway ... I got him to get me some truffles and that made me get in the mood. 😂

I do say no a lot though, I am just exhausted and want me time at the end of the day. I do make him work for it but that way, it keeps us both happy. Twice is a week is minimum but also maximum.

He'll randomly ask me when DC has gone to bed and I'm in the middle of working if I fancy a quickie, and the honest answer is no.

And his idea of intimacy is grabbing boobs? Can't understand why you're not throwing your knickers at him.

He may as well just say could you lie down for a minute so I can use your body like a fleshlight.

I'm not sure I'd be in the mood if that's the way he approaches things.

I wouldn't say my sexless life isn't worth living!

I felt the same way when I was BFeeding. There was a definite disconnect between me and DH. It wasn't just the lack of sex, it was the lack of closeness, when we are such a tactile, affectionate couple.
It got better when I stopped BFeeding and we both made a conscious effort to be more affectionate again, the sex drive came back with that. 11 years later and we are very happy.

If the baby is a year old, and breastfeeding is interfering with my sex drive/marital intimacy, I'd wean to formula.

Having parents in an intact and happy marriage is more crucial for the child than another year of nursing.

l would say no to a quickie too. Why does he think a quickie is the greatest show on earth? I would want a long passionate “longie” with him putting a lot of effort.

Tbh, I’m generally of the opinion that making time for a ‘quickie’ sometimes even when you can’t really be arsed goes a long way to maintaining your relationship through the knackering small child years. Usually I get into it fairly fast and feel glad we did it, and sleep better and feel closer to DH as a result. However that’s in the context of a happy marriage where, even when the kids were at their most exhausting, we were still kind and loving towards each other. “We've been distant, there's been practically zero affection (physical or verbal) for quite a while and DP is quite an insensitive individual at the best of times” sounds like the problem isn’t your sex drive but your partner himself.

What a ridiculous statement.

Sort of thing I'd expect a stupid bloke to say ...