Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If bad things happen to you, do most people shrug it off and dismiss your pain?

7 replies

isthathowitis · 11/10/2023 17:54

Not able to explain this very well. But it's something I have noticed. I think it is because a lot of people think I am a hopeless cause to begin with (grew up in kinship care, developed an incurable life changing illness as a child) and so it doesn't really matter when bad things happen to me.

However, when bad things happen to them - that's different. I can only assume it is because they think they are more important and valid to begin with.

Is this an unspoken rule that I have gone through life not being aware of? Do you privately, in your own head, think certain people don't matter as much as others?

According to the NHS I am neurodiverse so sometimes I realise fundamental rules of social structure later than others, and wondered if this was one of those rules.

OP posts:
Original poster
isthathowitis · 11/10/2023 17:54

Sorry posted too soon...

Or if it is just a universal human thing that everyone feels at certain times, no matter who you are?

OP posts:
Lentilweaver · 11/10/2023 18:00

Most people think only about themselves. More so since Covid. Many people have compassion fatigue after the past few years.

That said, I think anyone who grew up in care and has an incurable illness obviously has had way more pain than usual. It's not just a bad thing; it's serious "trauma" , and I don;t use that word lightly.

Smartiepants79 · 11/10/2023 18:00

Well of course it’s different when it is happening to you. So, to them it’s a bigger deal that it’s them who is I’ll, injured, out of work etc
I hope I don’t think some people matter less than others but we do all have our own social bias and conditioning. Some groups of people will be more interesting to me as they are people I relate to or who are directly important to me - friends etc.
What about their behaviour is suggesting to you that they think you’re not important?

FairyPolka · 11/10/2023 18:10

I have felt a bit like that in the past. I think it may be my own fault though because talking about myself makes me feel awkward as does being the centre of attention. I guess I’m introverted. I’m much better confiding in a close friend.

Abitslow · 11/10/2023 18:46

I had the most awful childhood think beatings and rape eating out of bins behind shops from 8 to 14 ran away.
Lived on the streets at 14 to avoid any more of the above (i was very street wise)
in care i was bullied.
Bullied by family because i was a young mum.
Left care became a mum at 19 and life changed i studied to be a health worker for young mums.
There the good bits looking at me you would never think it happened.
Only have contact with my sister as she went through the same.
No contact with any other family for nearly 20 years now. feels great hope their dead.
My past made me the woman i am to day.The past doesn`t define my future.Im still living still hear.I was born live and thats what im doing.Yes i had a lot of therapy etc.No one can forget the past but you can move on and put all that hate in to love for yourself.

WorkSmarter · 12/10/2023 19:08

Abitslow · 11/10/2023 18:46

I had the most awful childhood think beatings and rape eating out of bins behind shops from 8 to 14 ran away.
Lived on the streets at 14 to avoid any more of the above (i was very street wise)
in care i was bullied.
Bullied by family because i was a young mum.
Left care became a mum at 19 and life changed i studied to be a health worker for young mums.
There the good bits looking at me you would never think it happened.
Only have contact with my sister as she went through the same.
No contact with any other family for nearly 20 years now. feels great hope their dead.
My past made me the woman i am to day.The past doesn`t define my future.Im still living still hear.I was born live and thats what im doing.Yes i had a lot of therapy etc.No one can forget the past but you can move on and put all that hate in to love for yourself.

Aw I am so so sorry that happened to you. It is disgusting that you were treated like that and there are no excuses.
I am so pleased for you that through your strength, brains and survival instinct you have triumphed ultimately.

Personally I have had a lot of bad things happen to me but have done well in life. People don't even remember I had no Dad, no money, no support but a lot of family are jealous now despite them having a10 x better start in life. What doesn't destroy you makes you stronger. You should be so proud of yourself and your child. 💕💕💕
As for OP, I find people have little memory or sympathy for miscarriages, loss of twins, deaths of friends, near death illnesses, agonising pain, especially if it's long term, they get bored.

Be kind to yourself, you are amazing xxx

sockarefootwear · 12/10/2023 19:51

I think sometimes, some people find it difficult to know what to say when someone they know has a real trauma (rather than just a minor set back) so they try to avoid discussing it. So they will appear to be full of sympathy and rush to help someone who has a small problem but sort of ignore the fact that another friend is going through something life changing. I'm not saying it's right in any way OP, just that I have observed that some people act this way. Not because they think the person going through something serious is worth less, just that they don't really know what to say/do.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page