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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Conversation with friend repeated by their child

21 replies

27Bananas · 11/10/2023 17:03

My child (teenager) has a lot of difficulties. One thing I've had to restrict is gaming which I discussed with my friend when expressing my frustrations and concerns. Her child has now gone to school and told their joint friends that my child is not allowed to game during the week. This embarrassed and upset my child. I'm feeling a little frustrated that my friend has repeated the conversation to their child and this has happened.

Lesson learnt on my part not to share any more information with this friend, but aibu to feel a bit miffed that she did this? I didn't explicitly ask her not to tell her child because I didn't think it would even be an issue; I wouldn't dream of repeating anything she told me about her child, to mine.

I know this isn't a big issue in the grand scheme of things, and it certainly won't ruin my friendship - I'm just interested in the perspective of others in this regard. A different viewpoint would be useful.

OP posts:

Dogearedandwornout · 11/10/2023 17:07

I have been in a similar situation. Unfortunately it happens a lot. I used to hear my mother repeating all sorts her friends had told her about their kids family and other issues. Sometimes to my dad and sometimes to other people. I knew never to say anything but lots of kids do not have that awareness.

MidnightOnceMore · 11/10/2023 17:08

I think I'd say something, that's a bit shit of your friend. Definitely don't confide in her any more.

I don't tell anyone any details about my kids for this reason though, as it's not fair to tell others their business.

Dogearedandwornout · 11/10/2023 17:08

With my friend it caused my DC a lot of bother and I regret telling her. I never tell anything I think will matter now. Sometimes we have to keep things private and not share too much with others.

Nutsabouttopic · 11/10/2023 17:10

It might not ruin a friendship for me but it would definitely change it. I would find myself watching what I am saying to friend because I wouldn't be sure how confidential they would keep our conversations. If they told their child about a private conversation who else are they talking to about you. You didn't explicitly ask them to keep the conversation between the two of you but it is taken as a given. Your poor DC is paying the price for her gossiping

RunnyPaint · 11/10/2023 17:14

Do you know if the other child overheard your friend, or was told directly? Poor form either way. It's so important for those of us with teenagers to have friends we can share with and get advice/reassurance from, but we have to balance that with respecting privacy.

Tinkerbyebye · 11/10/2023 17:57

I would be asking my ‘friend’ why she told her child and explains what her child has done and the impact on my child. Otherwise she will never learn, not will her child

then I would be extremely careful in what I told her moving forward.

MechyMagic · 11/10/2023 18:01

Just to play devils advocate it could be innocent on friends part.

Little Jimmy saying he wants play Roblox with Johnny and friend said "oh no sorry Jimmy, Johnny isn't allowed on during the week, maybe at the weekend"?

Maybe the issue is her son repeating it rather than friend in that instance?

If that's not a likely scenario then I'd definitely be careful what I shared in future with her.

MoodyHousePlant · 11/10/2023 18:07

I agree with PP, there could be an innocent context in which it was shared. Maybe bring it up with her and see her response. It might also be a useful learning moment for her too, and a chance for her to educate her child about repeating things to others.

But yes, you could also be more guarded about who you talk to regarding personal/family issues.

That being said, my gut reaction would be annoyance and being more guarded.

vapesareforsnakes · 11/10/2023 18:10

Sean is never online, he never answers my messages....

Awhhh he is not allowed online at the moment, I was talking to his Mum.

Simple.

Original poster

27Bananas · 11/10/2023 18:11

MechyMagic · 11/10/2023 18:01

Just to play devils advocate it could be innocent on friends part.

Little Jimmy saying he wants play Roblox with Johnny and friend said "oh no sorry Jimmy, Johnny isn't allowed on during the week, maybe at the weekend"?

Maybe the issue is her son repeating it rather than friend in that instance?

If that's not a likely scenario then I'd definitely be careful what I shared in future with her.

I'm hoping it's this. She's not the sort of person to be malicious and doesn't usually gossip in a mean way. This is why I was quite surprised when my child came home upset. I'm unsure whether she could have told another of our friends and her child overheard - it's not exactly an exciting thing to be bothered to talk about.

I've had a conversation with my child this evening and we have jointly come up with a solution to trial having some gaming time in a way that we are both happy with. I wasn't planning to tackle this problem just yet as a priority, but I don't want my child to feel embarrassed either. Fingers crossed we don't go backwards!

OP posts:

GRex · 11/10/2023 18:14

I wouldn't discuss private matters about my child with his friends' parents, because I wouldn't really expect anything to stay private in a family home. Our DS listens and asks questions a lot, he's only 5! He has also already learned not to take stuff back to school, but not the reverse (we have found great humour at times in the gossip teachers and TAs unwittingly share near Old Bat Ears as we call him).

Anyway, lessons learned. Any fall-out remind him it's a good lesson in who his friends are.

WitcheryDivine · 11/10/2023 18:22

"Her child has now gone to school and told their joint friends that my child is not allowed to game during the week. This embarrassed and upset my child."

I doubt you really care if your child is embarrassed that other kids know that they're not allowed to game during the week, per se? It's not like they've learnt your child wets the bed, it's much more "euuuurrghhhh X's parents are so strict". I think you're probably more worried that if she's told him this, what else has she told him (e.g. if you told her about your son's difficulties, did she share that too). Might you instead be a bit annoyed with yourself for oversharing about your son with someone who you don't fully trust, or even just with someone whose kid is at school with yours.

If she's generally nice and well meaning I can completely see that the exact thing you said (child not being allowed to game during the week) could come up a hundred different ways. Some as PP have suggested, or maybe your friend is trying to cut how much her child games too and is holding up your child as a good example. It's not the sort of thing you would say if you were looking to demean someone is it.

toadasoda · 11/10/2023 18:26

MechyMagic · 11/10/2023 18:01

Just to play devils advocate it could be innocent on friends part.

Little Jimmy saying he wants play Roblox with Johnny and friend said "oh no sorry Jimmy, Johnny isn't allowed on during the week, maybe at the weekend"?

Maybe the issue is her son repeating it rather than friend in that instance?

If that's not a likely scenario then I'd definitely be careful what I shared in future with her.

I'd say it was more 'get off that bloody thing, you're on it day and night...' 'but everyone is online playing now...' 'no they indeed are not, John isn't even allowed on it at all'

Bunnycat101 · 11/10/2023 18:26

Children hear much more than you often suspect. I knew my Nextdoor neighbours had sold their house via a private sale through my then 5 year old who found out via a child at school. i couldn’t believe it at the time as that chain of communication would have never been directly discussed with any of the children. It sounds like you have much older children so they definitely could have overheard rather than your friend actively discussing it with the.

stayathomer · 11/10/2023 18:26

we all do it even if it may just have been her telling her child that they don’t need so much screen time, sure x doesn’t have screen time during the week to help their mh. I’d be shocked if any mother has never mentioned something they really shouldn’t have (I’m not talking about if she told all the details and I am sorry I know it’s a big deal to you and rightly so as you had to deal with the consequences) or mentioned something in passing as a lesson. Hope it all works out ok op

WeWereInParis · 11/10/2023 18:31

She's not the sort of person to be malicious and doesn't usually gossip in a mean way.

Then I'd be surprised if she was gossiping with the teenager. I'd put money on it being used to make a point eg

"You game too much"
"But mum! Everyone games all week!"
"No they don't, X isn't allowed to and if you're not careful I'll put in the same rules"

TheYearOfSmallThings · 11/10/2023 18:31

I would guess it came up in the context of "No you can not have more gaming time. Nope. No, everyone else does NOT get more gaming time than you. No, they don't. You should be grateful you got an hour! Jimmy gets no gaming time on school nights. Maybe we should do that! No? Well that's what will happen if you keep nagging. I think you're getting addicted, I really do...(mutter mutter)"

Or maybe that is just in my house

Dacadactyl · 11/10/2023 18:35

YABVU.

It'll have come up in the manner how @TheYearOfSmallThings described, or in a similar vein.

Your child needs to get a grip tbh.

CalistoNoSolo · 11/10/2023 18:42

Imo she's not a friend. At least as I understand what friend actually means.

Parakeetamol · 11/10/2023 18:50

I can see her saying "you need to tone down your gaming, like X, he's not allowed to game during the week and I might introduce that here too" I don't see that as a major crime.

Original poster

27Bananas · 11/10/2023 18:59

Thank you for all the responses. From the mixed responses, I can see that my initial feeling was fairly normal, but put into perspective, I can also see how the information may have been shared in a way that wasn't gossiping etc.

And to the person who said my child needs to get a grip - it is exactly this attitude that causes issues with young children/teenagers. My child's feelings were perfectly valid and there was no meltdown or over reaction. They simply stated what had happened and how they felt. I listened, we had a perfectly normal conversation about it and carried on with our day.

OP posts:

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