To put foot down with teenage daughter?

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What would you do in this situation?
ive recently moved out of the family home with my 3 kids due to asking for a divorce from my abusive ex. Social services were called following a disclosure from my 15 y/o DD to a school counsellor about what her dad had done to me recently. We’ve moved into my parents home and my STBXH is staying in the family home refusing to move out.
My 15 y/o DD has a poor relationship with her father and has said she wants nothing to do with him. That is until recently when she realises he will send her money when she asks and has agreed to her having a house party in the family home.
I had already told my DD no it’s not happening as I don’t want the house trashed. I’m hoping for a legal breakthrough soon to force the sale of the house and will need as much equity from it as possible to get a new home.
Now, she is adamant she’s having the party and is even saying she will stay over at her Dads. She’s saying a lot of hurtful things about how she’s embarrassed to be living with me and her grandparents all under the same roof yet refuses to go back to the home as her dad doesn’t take care of it or generally be a responsible adult/father.
I’ve told her that it’s great her relationship with her dad is better and why doesn’t she move back home to save her the embarrassment.
Now my ex knows I don’t want her having a party so he is encouraging her to have it even more. WWYD?

you need to dial it way back. You are letting your anger with your ex seep into your relationship with your child.

you do not say things like “why doesn’t she move back home to save her the embarrassment”. I understand this a turbulent time for you, but you are still the parent and you don’t get to be petty or let your hurt feelings play into this.

one of the parts of divorce is you can’t stop him from parenting how he chooses. Unless there is a real issue of safety, you need to learn to bite your tongue. He will start doing things just to get to you. If you don’t react, he won’t get the reaction he wants and will stop using the kids to try to hurt you.

so he wants to let the teenager throw a party? Don’t say a word. Not your circus, not your monkeys. It is his problem to deal with.

if you provide her with stability and emotional support, she will quickly figure out which parent she can actually trust.

So you've told your DD to go and live with your abusive ex? You need to start seeing her as a child who has witnessed trauma. He's going to go against you. She's trying to be a normal teen during all this mess.

The above absolutely. Always let the children know that you are sensible and level headed and don’t hate their dad.

Support her in whatever she wants, including the party. If she talks to him for money, that’s fine. You give her the love and security she needs. Whatever you do, don’t push her away.

I think there’s a fine line between ‘support her in whatever way she wants, including the party’ and being an irresponsible parent.
A typical teenage party involves drinking, vaping e.t.c - by all means have a party with parental supervision however, she is usually too embarrassed to be seen with any of her family and has asked him to leave for a few hours to which he has agreed.
If something were to happen when they were unsupervised and I knew that it was going ahead would that not make me irresponsible?
In answer to @Ponoka7 that is exactly my point. He is extremely verbally abusive towards me (and at times physically) but has also been verbally abusive towards my daughter. At what point can I step in and say he’s not responsible enough and is emotionally damaging? My Dd will simply overlook this to get her teenage kicks.

I don't think you can prevent the party happening, but I would inform social services about it and tell them your husband won't be supervising it and that you're worried.

At 15 I was the daughter who thought [separated] Dad was great and cool and ignored my mother. Some things you have to learn for yourself, that Dad is an asshole.

YABU to tell her to move back to her dad's when you know he won't care for her. It's a very childish reaction to your feelings being hurt, and very rejecting for her.

Re the party, just accept that you can't control what he does during his contact time. Obviously agreeing the the party is probably stupid, but there's nothing you can do, so don't worry about it.

Let her have the party, can you remember being 15?

I expect the OP made the remark out of frustration. She's human not a saint.

In these circumstances, I wouldn't be allowing the party. Tell DD if she tries going ahead with it, you'll be there.

She's 15 and needs boundaries.

Best of luck, OP.

She doesn’t want any time with him - she simply wants the house to party in. She knows he’s abusive.
As her mother, I’m trying to teach her she can’t have it both ways - it’s not ok to rock up to the house with a load of friends and use the situation to benefit her but then expect to go back to ignoring him until she wants something else. It’s manipulative behaviour and is not something I want to encourage.
She’s old enough to know this and is fully aware that any interaction he has with her siblings or her, doesn’t come from a desire to prioritise their needs but rather a desire to make my life as hard as possible.

The dark side of me is thinking let them have the party but without your blessing. Then hope there is alcohol and other wrongdoings that you can discover and use those facts against your ex. Sorry for being devious rather than constructive. 🙃

a 15 year old party with no parents present is a recipe for disaster ..... don't let her do it. If she goes ahead anyway then turn up. Word will get round that it's a 'free house' and you could have loads of teens turning up and trashing the place.

How about she can have the party IF you and a couple of your friends/family are also on the premises?