"Letting" my baby only sleep on me

[EarthRabbit]

FTM to a 6 week old baby here. To preface, I feel bad even "complaining" about this aspect because we are so lucky in everything else. She is so placid and happy. She already sleeps for 3 or 4 hours at a time, in the night and the day... but she will only sleep on me. We have a next to me crib, she will lay there happily for ages but she won't go to sleep in it. I've tried waiting it out, but after a while she gets overtired and starts screaming. She won't stay asleep in her swing, her bouncer, her Moses basket downstairs, or even in our bed. She can fall asleep anywhere, but wakes up 3 mins later and won't settle until she's plastered on me. And it does seem to have to be me. Normally I would be jokingly smug, but I am finding the resulting lack of sleep quite hard, and it does also seem to actually hurt DP's feelings that she won't stay asleep on him.

I actually don't mind that she wants to be cuddled to sleep. I love holding her and cuddling her, and if I was that tiny I'd want the reassurance and security of being held too. But it becomes difficult because obviously I need to at least try to sleep as well. I worry to death about accidentally falling asleep while holding her. Sometimes I can successfully "transfer" her into her crib after she falls asleep on me, but mostly she will wake again after a few minutes and cry until I pick her up. Dummies seem to frustrate her as she will spits them out quite angrily. Rocking the crib soothes her if she's crying, but as soon as I stop she will start again. And she won't nod off. I've tried putting my hand on her chest to soothe her, but it just agitates her. She just seems to need to be held while she sleeps.

DP says I am making the problem worse by "allowing" her to only fall asleep on me, that it's a rod for my own back and I'm reinforcing the behaviour. I responded that she's only 6 weeks old, she wants to be comforted, and I don't feel comfortable leaving her to cry regardless. She isn't doing it on purpose and she needs me.

I don't know if he's right or I am, but I don't know what he wants me to do. He does admit that he feels rejected by her not staying asleep on him, so I think that may be confounding the issue as well. I honestly don't think it's a rejection - she's a tiny baby and he is out of the house from 5pm to 7am 5 days a week. He then gets in and sleeps til half 2ish so he only really gets 2 hours with her max before he has to leave again. I therefore have her by myself all night and almost all day. My mum comes round for 2-3 hours on Monday and Wednesday afternoons so I can try to catch up on sleep, but other than that I am the only one taking care of her. Of course she is going to want me, and not be the same with anyone else yet. I'm hoping it comes with time.

I don't want to make things worse down the line, and I do desperately crave some sleep or time for myself, but I also just can't stomach the idea of leaving her to cry at this age. Or any age to be honest. I don't know what the answer is and it is starting to frustrate me a little that DP keeps lecturing me about it. But not sure if he's right and I'm being sensitive due to the stress.

Am I being unreasonable to keep "letting" her sleep only on me at this age? Any advice appreciated... I feel like I'm getting everything wrong already.

Both of my sons were like this, I don't think there's any "letting", you do what you need to to get some rest right? At 6 weeks old she just wants to be close to you and cuddled, which is totally ok! I get that dad is feeling a bit rejected but you grew her and are the one person she "knows" instinctively (if you're breastfeeding you're also her food!). She'll get used to him eventually!

We found that accepting co-sleeping really helped us. It meant baby was used to sleeping next to me (in my arms) which made it easier for him to switch to dad. They both eventually took to the next to me - brushed cotton sheets really helped to make it a bit snugglier. They're now in their own rooms around 6-9 months. One is an excellent sleeper (3yo), the other (1yo) wakes a lot but is learning to get himself back to sleep and he'll get there I'm sure.

I personally don't believe in sleep training, and think that the profusion of sleep coaches online is really predatory, exploiting a primal need at a time when you're really vulnerable. My anecdotal experience is that they'll sleep on their own when they're ready to do so and they all vary on when that is.

My second daughter was like this - although would sleep on my husband too.

For daytime naps I used a sling so that I could move around even when she was asleep. If really tired I would try to nap myself by propping myself on pillows so I couldn't roll.

My OH would take the evening shift while I slept as soon as my older daughter was in bed. Then he would bring her up to me at midnight/1am and transfer her to me. I'd sleep with her on me for a bit, again propped with pillows so I couldn't roll, and then once I'd got some sleep I would attempt to put her down next to me in the bed and we would co-sleep. Once she got used to this I started to put her into the cot which I had next to the bed. Gradually built up the time she would spend separately to me until she would sleep all night in the cot. Then moved it away from the bed and finally into her own room.

Some of this is not 'approved' by the safe sleep people. But it's what we did to survive!

My DH was away Monday to Saturday when DD was small. She slept on me for 4 months. It was what I needed to do to be able to function day to day. No rods were made for any backs.

The No Cry sleep solution book has a great section on how to very gently reduce arm sleeping. I found it both reassuring and helpful.

It's fine. Both of mine only slept on dh or I until they settled better into sleeping next to me or in the pushchair or wherever. I don't think it caused us any issues - though I had a supportive dh who shared the nights with me so we both got to sleep (in between feeds anyway) while the other was on baby duty. I don't think either of them were particularly challenging babies when it came to sleep. We did bedshare at least part of the night by choice until they slept more independently (probably around 3). But generally I think they were decent sleepers and we did perfectly fine. They transitioned to naps at nursery without me at 9 months.

And generally, because we were never the sort of 'sleep only in a dark room with a white noise machine and no cuddles' sort, it meant we had a lot more freedom as they got older. My friends who were more strict about sleep routines and not having contact naps struggled a lot more when their babies were older/toddlers because it meant they were chained to home and their routines. Whereas I could go anywhere with mine and they slept no issues. Ultimately, babies are meant to be held and be close to their parents so I don't think you can go wrong with keeping them close as long as you are doing it safely and you are coping in terms of your physical and mental health with whatever you're doing.

Can you swaddle her and put her down when she’s asleep?

Of course baby wants to sleep on you. Your baby was growing inside you , listening to the sounds of your heartbeat for months. It’s not going to be the same for your DH and he really shouldn’t be taking it personally. The baby is only six weeks old and is likely going to go through several sleep transitions the first year alone.

It’s likely to be temporary. Definitely agree with another poster about a sling. Did that with DS1 and he often slept in that. I also slept beside him or with him in my arms with me sleeping on my side (light sleeper, that stays put). He slept loads in the pram. He was a schedule baby, nurse, sleep, poo, repeat every 2-3 hours.

DS2 seemed to be the curious sort (still is at 6) and was usually wide awake one moment and then you would turn your head for a few seconds and he would be asleep. He would sleep for 4-5 hours at night, watch everything, nurse and watching everything while also latching off and on, tiring himself out and falling asleep.

That sounds so difficult and I’m sorry you husband isn’t being supportive. It isn’t about him feeling rejected (ffs) and baby sleep isn’t linear so ‘making a rod for your own back’ is nonsense.

However, you can’t have her sleep only being held by you for every single sleep. It’s not safe and it’s not sustainable. You need to cosleep safely or persevere with the cot- the risk is just too great to continue as you are.

Also, have you considered that she may have silent reflux and/or a milk allergy? Always wanting to be held upright and being very unsettled can be signs.

Swaddling help solved this for me. Don't know if its consider safe these days though

My daughter was exactly the same! Took her first nap out of my arms at 10 months old. Still coslept for ages. Now at 3 she starts in her bed but makes her way into ours at some point in the night. Enjoy the rest whilst she's napping just make sure you're set up with snacks etc and you've gone to the toilet! At night try and get into a safe co sleeping position as best as you can. I think it's better to plan to fall asleep than do it accidentally. When my daughter was really new she didn't even accept being next to me so I had to prop my arms up on pillows and hold her. Not ideal but it was the only way to get any sleep. She eventually transition to the safe Co sleeping position but I can't remember when exactly!

Well no of course she just wants you. She recognises your smell and it's the only place she feels safe.

I would co-sleep in this situation. I've done this with all three children. However if you are sleep deprived right now and would like to try it, it's not recommended when exhausted so with my first I had my partner hold her for a couple of hours while I slept alone, then he brought her in to me.

My Mam co-slept with me, hers did with her, it wasn't ever something that I was scared of doing or something to be shocked at.

My babies slept best on me and so did a lot of sleeping on me. At night time I embraced cosleeping, they slept right next to me and helped themselves to milk often (look up safe sleep seven and James McKenna on this). There's no rod for your own back, it's what gets you through this time. As you are the primary carer your partner needs to understand that he should be supporting your decisions and stop regurgitating sleep training manuals.

Nothing wrong with it at all. It’s biologically normal, and it’s temporary. I have five and they’ve all been the same during the fourth trimester. None of them have had any problems transitioning to independent sleep when the time came.

It's simple evolutionary biology, she's doesn't want to sleep if she's not attached to you- you're her safety. Would echo above, look up safe cosleeping guidelines so you can have some rest!

Not advising you do the same but my son would only sleep on me at first. it turned out he couldn’t be settled on his back but would if he slept on his front. If i turned him once he was asleep he woke up. I had to let him front sleep as he just would not settle otherwise. I was terrified but even the midwife agreed that was just the way he was. He’s still a front sleeper now.

Not advising you do the same but my son would only sleep on me at first. it turned out he couldn’t be settled on his back but would if he slept on his front. If i turned him once he was asleep he woke up. I had to let him front sleep as he just would not settle otherwise. I was terrified but even the midwife agreed that was just the way he was. He’s still a front sleeper now.

It's absolutely fine for your baby to fall asleep on you. Mother Nature has given us the tools to help our babies get the rest they need - use them while they work.

There are a few trucks you can try when trying to transfer a sleeping baby if you need to put them down.

Try playing music as you settle your little one to sleep, and try the same piece of music each time so that they learn to associate that music with sleepy feelings.

Let your baby fall asleep on you, but try not to be in a rush to transfer them to a crib straight away. Hold her a little longer to get her into a deeper sleep. You can try gently moving an arm. If your baby's arm is floppy and heavy they are in a deep sleep. If they wriggle or resist they are in a lighter sleep. Waiting for the floppy arm can make it easier to move them without waking them up.

Once baby is transferred to the crib, rest a heavy hand on their tummy for a few minutes to help them to resettle. Your hand will feel warm and help them to feel like they are still being cuddled tight. Once breathing becomes more sleepy and regular try and gently lift the hand away and tiptoe off.

Thank you so much to everyone who has taken the time to respond so far, I really appreciate it. I'm a very new MN user and I don't know how to quote individual bits of text, so sorry for this disjointed reply.

I am not breastfeeding - we tried for about a week but my supply just wouldn't increase. Kind of thankful now though, as it means someone else can feed her while I sleep for an hour. Although the time we transitioned was around the time this really kicked into gear, so maybe something to do with that?

She actually is already being investigated for a cow's milk allergy, I had no idea that that could be related. Thank you so much @InTheRainOnTheTrain for pointing that out. She has almost all the symptoms and the HV agrees with us, but the GP doesn't want to trial hydrolysed formula because she's still gaining weight 🙄

Especially thank you to everyone assuring me that it's probably temporary. I was going slightly insane imagining 6+ more months of this, and to be honest feeling very guilty that I'd messed up her sleep already. DP means well and is just trying to help, it's just hard to be nagged about it from him. He gets to sleep 8 hours, do golf on the weekends, see his friends... I sleep 2 hours in the day if I'm lucky and can't remember the last conversation with an adult I'm not related to or living with. I know it's not fair to think like that, but then he's telling me how envious he is of me...

If she would even sleep in the bed next to me, I would co sleep in a heartbeat at this point. But she just has to be on me. We will definitely be investing in a sling for the short term and researching safer sleep to make the situation the best we possibly can. I agree that it's not sustainable as is, and I am so lucky that so far I've never accidentally fallen asleep holding her. I think the sheer panic keeps me awake while she's on me. But it can't go on like that. She hated the swaddle in the hospital but I'm going to try again and see if she takes to it any better now.

Ideally we will be able to get her to a point where she can at least be transferred to the crib or bed and work from there. But I just can't see an end at the moment lol 🥲

My second was prem and would only sleep on me, I was doubly scared about the unsafe sleeping due to them being early (co slept with the eldest for years but they were bf, youngest wasn't). Kept going for 12 weeks and someone recommended one of them sleeping bags which acts like a swaddle and it literally saved my life, I couldn't recommend highly enough! Keeping their arms contained meant we went in an instant from baby wouldn't be put down at all, to baby went down with no problem and stayed asleep until needed a feed. Give one a go!!

(I was embarrassed that I was a second time mum and didn't know about these things)

I think it’s weird when people say their kids ‘only’ sleep on them. At 3 weeks, my kid ‘only slept on me’ till I had a bit of a breakdown (sorry for over sharing) and then they slept quite happily on my partner.
im not saying have a breakdown, but your kid will definitely sleep ‘not on you’. It’s not just biology. They all sleep in the end
you might not want to make that happen though cause you like being close to them. That’s 100% ok too. But maybe a honest conversation with DP might help them understand

Another suggestion for baby swaddled tightly and sleeping on its front. I watched dd like a hawk in the hospital until it was clear she could lift her head in her sleep and face the other way.

I did put her foot to foot, as I was supposed to, and she would crawl to the top until her head was jammed against the wall of the bassinet! So I had to put her head to head for a couple of years.

I did find that this age if there was a battle over what best to do, what baby wants is what baby gets.

Hey, your DP really shouldn’t be playing golf on weekends and hanging out with friends while you are hanging on by a thread. Looking after a baby is full time work and more. When do you get downtime?

When we had baby no 1 DH would get up early, make breakfast and a packed lunch for me, do all the chores and wake me up so I could get some tea and toast, feed the baby and then hand him over. DH would get change the baby, get the changing bag ready and have some baby time before heading into work. As soon as he walked in through the door he was in ‘dad mode.’ And that included doing chores if I was doing a feed. Especially at 6 weeks when it’s relentless. I expected nothing less since I had been in ‘mum mode’ all day. I did breastfeed exclusively which meant that all weekend DH did everything to enable me to get rest when I could. I literally cannot imagine a world where he would leave his exhausted partner and newborn baby and disappear on the weekends. If I were you I would have a very serious conversation about this.

I had something similar with my baby and it took some trial and error before finding something that worked.
To make a long story short, I tried Tracy Hogg's method (The Baby Whisperer Solves All Your Problems).
Basically, you put the baby awake in bed. If they fuss, you pick then up, soothe them (patting their back, shushing, saying "it's okay"), then place them back. Repeat as necessary.
You can also pay attention to wake windows. For a 6-week-old, it's around 30-90 minutes. Observe your baby. If they woke up at 9, check between 9:30-11:40 for sleep signs (yawning, fussing, rubbing eyes). By 11 they should be overtired and making them settle will be harder.
When you identify those, take baby to her sleeping place, close the blinds, sing a lullaby... create a ritual that is conducive to sleep.As your baby is quite young, you can also put her in a swaddle.
The first times it can be quite difficult, but you will be there for your baby helping and comforting them. With time it gets easier and they learn how to self soothe (well, that's what happened with my baby).
Good luck

I don't have any advice, the first few weeks are pretty brutal but you will get through it. Do what you need to get through and don't feel guilty about anything.

I'd highly recommend googling "4th trimester" it will make everything make sense and also provide your husband with some information about what you and baby are going through.

I’d keep transferring and maybe try warming crib with hot water bottle first , but aside from that at six weeks you just need to do what your baby wants really