My partner and I are thinking of moving closer to his parents (20 minutes away.) I was in agreement with the move initially but over time I’m starting to think it’s a bad idea. We currently live 1.5 hours away and his parents are in their early 70’s and very active / fit.
We have 2 young children that his parents are super keen to be involved with. On the whole his family are lovely - very welcoming, want to be involved, want to be a part of our lives and are always offering their support. However (!) I can sometimes find them somewhat overwhelming and in truth I am finding myself starting to resent them (and my partner.)
His mother is what I would call a busy body. She critiques everyone and everything and I can find her behaviour and personality needy and manipulative. She has overstepped my boundaries on many an occasion and although my partner and I talk about it and he seems to be in agreement with me I can see he is stuck between a rock and a hard place as he clearly cannot say anything to her without causing tension. I am also very aware that not being conditioned to her intrusiveness as he is he may feel that I am sometimes being over sensitive and just need to stand up to her.
I lost my Dad 5 years ago to cancer and my Mum was diagnosed with dementia about 1 year ago and is not far off needing to go into a care home. Mum really withdrew since losing Dad showing little interest in me and our children and in the past his mother has criticised her behaviour to me which at the time didn’t bother me but as Mum declines (and I realise this is a big part of why she is not engaged) I feel resentment to my MIL for saying such things to me. There are other occasions where her subtle comments have made her disapproval of my family and mum clear to me which again makes me feel resentment towards her.
I’m currently not working so I can focus on the kids and spending time with Mum and every time I speak to his Mum she makes comments about me getting a job and probes me about my Mum (despite my partner already telling her we’ve agreed I’m not working for the foreseeable!) As you can imagine this makes me feel angry and causes tension between my partner and I when I tell him.
My partner is so keen on the move particularly as his mother has just been through cancer treatment this year (fingers crossed all clear now) and of course the joy it would bring them all being so close. He is clearly is not concerned about living close to them as I am!
I on the other hand do not think I could cope with it. I would feel overwhelmed by being overtaken by their strong family dynamic particularly since losing mine. They would be in our lives several times a week and his mother in particular is always seeking opportunities where they can “help out” so I know they would not always wait to be invited which I cant help but feel violated by. (Strong word but that’s how interactions with her leave me feeling!)
Interactions with his mother can leave me reeling for days, sometimes even weeks after and I worry / obsess over it. I dream about her most nights and often dream about scenarios coming up where they are asking to spend time with us. The only control I feel I have over the situation is maintaining my distance (physically and emotionally!) I have tried to get close to her but just cannot seem to get over these strong feelings and reactions I have. It makes me miserable and impacts on my relationship with my partner and children.
I truly believe if we move close to them it will cause so much tension between us all - including our relationship with them. Even if we lay some boundaries I believe she will always be pushing them and my other half is clearly not strong enough (and I think probably thinks I am too sensitive) and isn’t going to rock the boat with his Mum. Losing my family dynamic is clearly impacting this whole thing and I resent being overtaken by another family dynamic where I feel someone (his mother!) manipulates and guilt trips to get what she wants!
I have told him I don’t think I can cope living so close to his mother with her invasiveness. I haven’t been quite so open about the rest but he is aware I can feel overwhelmed by his family / mother.
Am I being selfish and unreasonable to deny him and them the opportunity to live close to us and their grandchildren or am I right to stand firm to prioritise my happiness with him and my own mental health?