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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ever tell a friend about her husband cheating when it was a long time ago.

21 replies

Harry12345 · 10/10/2023 15:01

Long time friend through family. I found out years later that her husband had cheated at least 3 times, there’s probably a lot more. Friend doesn’t have big family and adores her husband although I think he’s selfish and she could do much better. I never said what I knew as children involved and I felt no good could come from it.

friend now struggling with relationship and her husbands selfishness and wants to leave him. She’s finding it really hard and he’s using every manipulative tactic in the book to play victim and stop her from leaving. She really is an amazing person and mother and he is a selfish man baby. I would never say anything as I think it would ruin her like but would people think it’s being unreasonable to tell her what he did in the past? I know if she knew she would leave without second thought

OP posts:

Mistressanne · 10/10/2023 15:04

You could end up without a friend.
It's tricky.
Personally I would have to be sure that i was doing it for the right reasons and could prove what happened.

ComtesseDeSpair · 10/10/2023 15:06

What evidence have you got to show her? Ultimately it’s cruel to her to make an accusation against her OH like this without anything reliable: she’ll never know whether it’s actually true or whether it’s just an attempt on your part to turn her against him, because you dislike him.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 10/10/2023 15:09

Everyone shoots the messenger,don't do it!

Original poster

Harry12345 · 10/10/2023 15:12

Yeah that’s what I’m unsure of, tbh I actually like him, I just don’t like the type of husband he is. She would know I was telling the truth as she would remember that nights I knew about and a couple of the females. I think over all I’m better never saying anything but it eats away at me how lovely she is to him and revives nothing back, she wants to leave but can see him manipulating her to stay, she deserves more and always has

OP posts:

Cosyblankets · 10/10/2023 15:12

How did you find out?
He said she said?

kiddosbedtimealready · 10/10/2023 15:14

I think try to encourage her to have the strength to leave if that's what she wants based on what she already knows/feels. It's not clear how you know he cheated and/or if it's just gossip, so it may just make a bad situation worse for your friend at this point. The time to tell her was probably when you heard it TBH, but you can't change that. It's not nice when you are co-opted into keeping secrets though, so there may be reasons to tell her what you heard, and to explain why you didn't tell her at the time.

kiddosbedtimealready · 10/10/2023 15:15

Just reread the thread. Maybe be truthful about the fact you think he is a nice guy, but a shitty husband and she could do better.

Original poster

Harry12345 · 10/10/2023 15:33

Cosyblankets · 10/10/2023 15:12

How did you find out?
He said she said?

It’s kind of common knowledge from when he was younger, I don’t think it would be a surprise to many, I know through his best friend and my brother

OP posts:

Original poster

Harry12345 · 10/10/2023 15:34

Yes this has happened to me in the past with another friend

OP posts:

Cosyblankets · 10/10/2023 15:37

What does your brother think? Have you spoken to him?

hardboiledeggs · 10/10/2023 15:39

This will not end well for you if you get involved. I'd feel pretty betrayed by my friend if they had known this and not told me.

steppemum · 10/10/2023 15:40

I think that the issue here is that you have known for years.

If you were my friend and you told me now, and you'd known for years I would end the friendship.
I would feel very hurt that everyone else seemed to know and no-one told me.

It is not really shoot the messenger, but that the messenger has chosen to say after so long.

Encourage her to leave.

TeeBee · 10/10/2023 15:41

Can you buy her a copy of 'Why does he do that?' and rather help her to understand the shitty behaviour that's he's portraying now? I agree, to have not told her earlier might come across as now having anterior motives.

Poppysmom22 · 10/10/2023 15:44

I would stay out of it tbh she needs to get there on her own

CoreopsisEverywhere · 10/10/2023 16:03

Tricky.

She might thank you for giving her the final push she needs to realise that she should leave him. Would need to be cast iron proof though.

muddyford · 10/10/2023 16:04

I wouldn't without solid proof.

ToadOnTheHill · 10/10/2023 16:28

Yabu. I'd be livid at you if I thought youd known for years and only told me to push me over the edge to leave my husband.

You wont come out if this well.

She will feel betrayed by you, confront him, he will play the victim, she will rescue him and then they will cast you as the bad guy and cut you out so they can bury their heads in the sand for a few more years.

Kangaroobrain · 10/10/2023 16:34

steppemum · 10/10/2023 15:40

I think that the issue here is that you have known for years.

If you were my friend and you told me now, and you'd known for years I would end the friendship.
I would feel very hurt that everyone else seemed to know and no-one told me.

It is not really shoot the messenger, but that the messenger has chosen to say after so long.

Encourage her to leave.

This. I understand why it probably wasn't appropriate to tell her at the time, but I think it could really risk your friendship for her to know you've carried that knowledge all this time.

Original poster

Harry12345 · 10/10/2023 23:16

My brother, told me years ago, he doesn’t say anything as he’s not related to my friends partner but worked with him

OP posts:

MrsPerfect12 · 10/10/2023 23:19

if you knew all this time and didn't tell her it won't end well for you. I'd be very upset if a friend knew that and said nothing.

YouBringLightIn · 10/10/2023 23:27

If you really want to tell her, but you're worried about her realising you've known for years, could you not disguise it a little- say you were talking to your brother about it recently and he mentioned it and it jogged your memory/ you found out for the first time? It's risky to lie but if it means she gets the information she needs it might be worth it.

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