To worry about devices coming into my house

[Flappypants]

Hi

By way of background, my DC's father was extremely controlling down to accessing my emails/phone, had cameras around the house monitoring my movements, going through my belongings, questioning how often I went to the bathroom etc etc. My DS is going to want a mobile phone soon and when he goes to secondary school he will have a laptop.

I feel like I'm being paranoid but I'm really worried about devices going between the two homes and him somehow continuing to monitor us. I fought very hard to get away from my ex (we went into a refuge with fab support from Mumsnetters) and he still controls me financially - I'm working really hard to get my career going so that I can be independent ASAP but it's going to take a number of years. He has bought the DC Garmin watches (not GPS ones) so that he can see what activity they do - my DS is disabled and battles with mobility yet their Dad makes him walk a lot (aiming for 10k steps a day!!!) and I know this is just another way to keep an eye on what I'm doing with them.

What happens with mobile phones and laptops? I'm a technophobe and he's a major tech geek, so can do all sorts of clever things (I think he had the smart telly hooked up so that he could monitor that way too). He also buys a lot of devices through work and will suggest he gives DS a phone and/or laptop (which would be lovely if there wasn't this horrible history). I had a problem with Airtags following me for a while too. I'd never heard of them until I got alerts five or six times a day that one was moving with me - the alerts mysteriously stopped the day that the police came and ransacked my car and house.

The key here is making sure that my DS has what he needs at school and in order to be on comms especially as he struggles to get around but will want to be a bit independent at secondary....how do other people deal with this? It's 50/50 care (that's another story) and the DC don't like going there but there's a court order and I haven't got the cash (he has unlimited funds) to have it amended to something they are more comfortable with.

I want to become aware and informed and I have no idea what to do for the best - hoping you clever people on here can help!!

Thanks!!

Oh OP this sounds horrific and I'm so sorry you went through and are going through this. Can you get separate laptops/phones for your house? Is there anyone you can ask about upskilling you on spotting software designed to track?

Lap top can't you purchase and it goes online to school and your home? Mobile phone you could do the same and also buy a dumb phone(no internet) to put his sim card into to go to his dad's with. As for the smart watch and the steps it means he's logged the account onto his own phone/laptop so he can monitor do you have a dog you can put it on its collar. I did this once to cheat mine (me and hubby had a bet on, I won 🤣) sounds like a very complex situation

I would talk to a helpline about this, do you still have any contacts from the refuge?
Or ring women's aid
0808 2000 247
A massive part of abuse is coersive control and they absolutely will be able to give you advice on devices in your home.
I think you could do with talking to them about the financial control too.
Ask for help OP, it's out there.
Well done for the finding the strength to leave.

Ooh that’s tricky, especially if your son doesn’t know what’s gone on. I’d do everything I could to a paid devices coming from his home into yours and vice versa. A laptop can definitely stay at yours but kids (and adults!) are so glued to their phones, they’re more personal. I’d leave him to buy a phone and lap top then buy your son similar (but different colours so they can’t get mixed up) ones for your house. His phone and laptop from your house doesn’t go to his dad’s and if they come from his dad’s to yours, they stay in a draw in his bedroom preferably turned off. It could be difficult to explain why to your son though. If his dad asks and it’s safe for you to do so, tell him exactly why this is.

Did you report him to the police at the time? He is stalking you and it’s a criminal offence. If you did, does he have any sort of non-contact order?

Sorry, just re-read and you did contact the police. What was the outcome?

Sounds horrific but pick your battles, is there anything about your DS life that would matter if he found out?

If you think he has spyware or tracking on your phone one way of finding it is to look at the battery usage, if there are programs there you don't recognise then investigate.

Hi everyone

Thank you - I'll look into your suggestions....

The AirTags things only happened this year even though I left him five years ago....it's unbelievable....anyone who I told about it went straight to him as a culprit, I didn't say anything about him in that context. The police and Apple Support were absolutely brilliant I have to say, although the police were adamant that had they found anything they would have arrested him immediately. The fallout would have been terrible and in the end it went away but I had a terrible time for a couple of months....I went back to being afraid of my own shadow and reliving the vile marriage!!

It's not about whether I have anything hide from my ex, it's more the invasion and monitoring and control he exerted and continues to exert.

Thanks again!

he alerts mysteriously stopped the day that the police came and ransacked my car and house.

Wait, what happened, what did Police think they were looking for?

It's very understandable and you have every right to control your own home, your peace, etc. Do whatever will help you feel safe! Lots of good ideas here.

They were looking for the little AirTag device that we think kept sending alerts to my phone (I didn't have one, had never heard of them before, the alerts appeared on my personal and work phones). I clicked the map that accompanies the alerts and it showed my movements ,most scarily when I had taken the car and my boss's insistence to have the car lifted up at the mechanics to see if one had been attached to the car. The map showed that I'd gone to the garage and to the office and home. Bloody scary and discombobulating!! No device found but they stopped the next day - it was like whoever had done it knew that I was aware of it.