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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To resent my mum for this?

22 replies

Anawana · 10/10/2023 08:25

My mum (55F) left me (30F) with my grandmother and moved to another city when I was 4 years old. She got promoted and relocated. I'd see her for 2 days every 2-3 weeks. My dad was already living in another city following their divorce when I was 8 months old.

Thanks to her high paying job, she managed to buy 5 properties. Over the years, the narrative was 'I had to abandon my little girl, but I built her a future. The houses will be hers.' as I'm the only child.

Fast forward to 5 years ago, she retires out of the blue and starts travelling the world. I supported this fully as she worked hard. She has money coming in from her rental properties and owns the house she lives in. She has a very good pension coming every month also. She got a big chunk of money when she retired as a side note. But with the rate she travels (4+ long haul on top of 5+ smaller trips in a year) she's fast running out of money.

She put one of her houses on sale. Didn't even bother to tell me. She won't stop after selling only 1 either from my chat with her. I understand it's her hard earned money and she can do whatever she wants with it. But I can't help but resent growing up motherless for absolutely no silver lining coming off the back of this.

I have been working since I was 18. Never relied on her, to be frank never fully trusted her. I'm about to buy my own house and have a good job. The point isn't that I was waiting for that money, it's just that I can't stand now her narrative changed as it no longer serves her.

This is affecting my relationship with her as I find her selfish. AIBU? If so, how do I move forward/shift my perspective to still have a relationship with her as I love her?

OP posts:

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 10/10/2023 08:27

I’d keep both my parents at arms length - they both abandoned you, I’m sorry.

Phleghm · 10/10/2023 08:29

Bloody hell, you poor thing.

Of course, she doesn't owe you the houses or any money, but she did owe you love and care when you were a child. I'd probably be wanting a conversation more about that aspect, about how it made you feel and how it affects you now. She'll probably bring up the money and you could choose to make your point then.

I'm sorry she and your father didn't give you the security and love you deserved OP. That's really sad and crappy.

DustyLee123 · 10/10/2023 08:29

Read your first paragraph. Dad left you at 8 months, mum at 4. You don’t say how often you saw your dad.
I think you need to lay some of the blame on your dad, not all on your mum.

R37sraY · 10/10/2023 08:30

That’s so tough OP.

Can you talk to her? Maybe she can admit the narrative was an excuse and give you the real narrative? She could have been alone and financially afraid and driven to it but feeling terrible about what she put you through.

If you tell her you haven’t got over missing her, maybe she can think about it?

Worddance · 10/10/2023 08:31

I think therapy would be the place to discuss this because the answers aren't obvious. It really sucks for you.

Original poster

Anawana · 10/10/2023 08:31

DustyLee123 · 10/10/2023 08:29

Read your first paragraph. Dad left you at 8 months, mum at 4. You don’t say how often you saw your dad.
I think you need to lay some of the blame on your dad, not all on your mum.

I don't speak to him. Haven't in years.

OP posts:

DisquietintheRanks · 10/10/2023 08:32

No YANBU. You wouldn't be unreasonable to resent her if she gifted you 10 houses, she's still the woman who abandoned motherhood for a career (most of us mansge both).

If you haven't already tried therapy to work through your feelings with your mother, I'd highly recommend it. Resentful is one of the tamer emotions connected with abandonment. I suspect you also have grief, loss, shame and rage to work through as well.

KajsaKavat · 10/10/2023 08:34

I don’t know if this helps but my mum left me at 6 and when she later tried to be somewhat involved (5 minute meetings here and there, doing shopping together, once a vacation through Europe) she stopped being my mum the day she left and since then I’ve seen her as this nice enough woman I would never trust. I don’t hate her, I guess she had her reasons.

distance is my advise, don’t let her disappoint you.

rileynexttime · 10/10/2023 08:37

I wonder how your grandmother figures in this.
What was it like being brought up by her? Did you have aunts, uncles , cousins ?A grandfather?
Did your grandmother resent having to care for you?
Did it impact her life at a time when she thought her childrearing days were coming to an end ?
Stop her building a career/creating a healthy pension ?

Original poster

Anawana · 10/10/2023 08:39

rileynexttime · 10/10/2023 08:37

My nan has serious issues. My auntie's therapist told her that her mother (my nan) sounds like a textbook narcissist. I can't diagnose her but I always thought there was something seriously wrong with her. My childhood was god awful.

OP posts:

octodrive · 10/10/2023 08:41

It took me until me early 40s to see it (similar situ but no money involved) - I stepped away.

You have never been her priority and you never will be. You are trying to maintain a relationship with an 'idea' of who you want her to be, not who she truly is.

Free yourself and walk away

TizerorFizz · 10/10/2023 08:41

I think a difficult relationship with mum drains you. When they get old and needy it’s a lot more difficult because you are torn. I think I have conditional love for my mum. I’m not always sure I have the deepest love that others have. Therefore you do want to preserve the life you have built up and you think you have moved on from resentment. When they are old and have needs, you find you haven’t! I certainly wasn’t abandoned but many families have dynamics that are unhealthy. I think treating Dc poorly inevitable builds up issues and they don’t really go away.

chilling19 · 10/10/2023 08:46

For me I would see that my mum had broken the unwritten contract that enabled me to have a relationship with her.

You have put up with her abandonment on the basis that 'she was doing it all for you'. Now you see this isn't true. So, going forward, what are you prepared to put up with?

Sorry this has happened to you. It sucks when parents are selfish like this.

Original poster

Anawana · 10/10/2023 08:57

Thanks all by the way. I'm reading all of your comments.

OP posts:

MistyMooPup · 10/10/2023 09:00

Child neglect and abandonment are the main issues OP. This absolutely your child self feeling let down and abandoned again. Your rational adult self is telling you that you don’t need this mother but ultimately you are feeling the abandonment as a child.

have you had or sought out any therapy?

ssd · 10/10/2023 09:02

Keep your distance from her op. You have done great and you sound switched on and sensible. She sounds selfish in the extreme. You just don't need her.

Original poster

Anawana · 10/10/2023 09:03

I have been in therapy for the last 2 years. My therapist thinks my mum said that (I was building your future) to feel less guilty, but now it doesn't serve her. Hence the narrative change. I do find therapy helpful. I posted it here because my therapist asked how I envisage my relationship with her going forward. I have no idea. I feel lost.

OP posts:

Zebedee55 · 10/10/2023 09:05

I probably would resent her for abandoning me (albeit with GPs), at such a young age.

But any money is hers, and it's up to her what she does with it.

billy1966 · 10/10/2023 09:14

You poor pet.

Utterly failed by two wasters for parents.

I am glad you are in therapy.

My advice to you is to focus completely on yourself.

You are strong and resilient and 10 times the woman your mother will ever her be.

Expect not to see a penny of any money.

Listen to your gut that has tried to protect you from trusting her.

You cannot change who she is.

All you can do is work on accepting all that you cannot control.

Be prepared for someone like your mother to expect you to figure in her future life for her support and convenience.

I would work very hard on your own life and circumstances to return to her the care and consideration she has given you over the years.

Step back and be unavailable as you focus on your life and acceptance.

The less you see and hear from her the better.

She is who she is and at 55 to expect her to be other than she has shown herself to be is utterly futile.

You are so young and have a great future ahead of you.

Free yourself completely of any obligation to this woman.

Leave her to her life choices.

newYear10 · 10/10/2023 09:16

Hugs op, sounds like you need to cut the toxic lot of them from your life.

elastamum · 10/10/2023 09:19

She might be your mum, but she has never mothered you. Most mothers put their children first and it is the security of knowing this that is the basis for a strong bond. She didn't do this when you were young and she won't do it now. Sadly your mother behaves as if you are not a priority for her. Maybe you would be better to treat her as a more distant relative. The danger is that if she becomes frail she will expect you to take a caring role. Don't get sucked into this.

Original poster

Anawana · 10/10/2023 09:57

I never received this much sympathy and compassion as your comments from family. I suppose they take part in this unhealthy dynamic. Thank you.

OP posts:

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