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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to give up work

32 replies

sweetblue · 09/10/2023 23:36

I've been off work for 2 weeks and I've absolutely loved it. So much so that I just really don't want to go back.

I know annual leave is obviously meant to be enjoyable, but it has put so many things into perspective for me. For context, I have 1 DC who is special needs. I've been able to take him and pick him up from school and be there for him as much as he needs me. I've not had to rely on anybody whatsoever to be there when I physically can't because of work. E.g. he had an accident the other day at school and I was able to be there for him and comfort him when he needed it. I've never been able to do this before and it meant so much that I could be there in that moment. And I know that doesn't sound like anything special or major but it was to me.

Whilst he's been at school I've been able to keep the house in order etc and I feel we've all benefitted so much from the small things that I wouldn't have been able to do whilst working full time. Overall I am much happier. Much less stressed and ultimately have much more patience with DS as a result which is needed as he can be challenging.

AIBU to consider it?

OP posts:

vdbfamily · 09/10/2023 23:40

YANBU.
If u find it fulfilling and can afford not to work then don't.
Some people love it and some hate it.

Original poster

sweetblue · 09/10/2023 23:41

@vdbfamily I do wonder though if the novelty of not working would wear off after a while..

OP posts:

BittIeLastard · 10/10/2023 00:21

Can you afford it?

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/10/2023 00:29

I assume you have a partner whose work could support you. If so, I know I'm the voice of doom, but parents of DC with SEN are even more likely to break up than average. Make sure you could survive if that happened too.

Laserbeam24 · 10/10/2023 00:32

YANBU.

I see that you're concerned that the novelty may wear off after a while. I've been on maternity leave for 10 months now, and I feel I am ready to go back to work (although only returning in February, so that'll be a year).

It's lovely not having work to worry about, but I feel my life is very monotonous. I miss the social aspect that work brings. But I do not miss the stress that work gives!

If you are in a position to not work, then go for it. Perhaps you could consider cutting your hours right down. I plan to do this when I return, and I feel my work life balance will be perfect.

OrigamiOwl · 10/10/2023 00:43

I think the main question is can you afford not to work?
I'd give up work in a heartbeat...if I could afford to.

momtoboys · 10/10/2023 00:45

I would absolutely stay home if you could afford it. I hope you can.

Thanksforreading · 10/10/2023 00:45

I’ve never worked in a high position or high powered job, I took two year out when I had DD, thought I would never go back to working, find myself running back to work with open arms last few months.

if you can afford to not work, and then go back to a similar pay or job if you wanted to why not?

Withnailandsigh · 10/10/2023 00:53

Not unreasonable. Unless you’re from an aristocratic family though, you have to work. Depending on your outgoings and your education level you might be better to retrain to something you can do from home so you’re around more. I have a SEN child and I went back to university, the hours fit better than most work hours, the student loan is similar to a part- time salary and you have a lot of freedom to skip the odd lecture as long as you work from home when you can. I attended about 20 days In year 3 and still got a first and now I’m on a PhD programme and I teach English from home, my student finance plus my teaching salary and DS benefits keep us really well and I am not burned out and exhausted like I was before when I was working an office job. My lifestyle is good now, a good balance of work and the fact I’m not so exhausted I can’t parent well most of the time. Recently I took on extra work and it’s been too much and I’m looking forward to it being over, DS and I’ll be fine though after this.

Fionaville · 10/10/2023 00:55

I've a SEN child here, he's an adult now. I stopped working when our youngest was born. Tbh it was the best thing I ever did. We've had a much happier home and it's kept me sane. I couldn't cope when he was really young and I was working. I wasn't being the best employee I could be or the best mum. Other women often judge SAHMs, but honestly when you've got a SEN child, it's too much for some to do it all.
I claim carers allowance, which doesnt touch the wage I was earning, but it gives me my own little pot of money weekly. My DH is a high earner and knows this family wouldn't function as well with me in work. All our accounts are joint and everything is 'ours' We've been together 25 years and are very happy. In relation to the statistics of parents of SEN children separating more, it's actually brought us closer together. The families I've known in the 18 years I've been a SEN parent, have all been pretty solid. I don't know any that have split.

spitefulandbadgrammar · 10/10/2023 01:23

I hate work. I love money, though. Life is much less worrying and hard with some money.

Could you go part time or self employed or something flexible?

kalerin · 10/10/2023 01:38

I gave up working when my DS was diagnosed with a disability. I consider myself to be his carer, not a sahm, and I claim carer's allowance. The demands on a parent carer are totally different from a sahm and it's far more time consuming, so it's understandable that it's too stressful for most parents to be able to work ft as well.

I didn't get bored not working, I was more able to keep on top of the house (harder with a disabled child at home as they need you more when they are at home) and was able to spend more time organising our home to make things work better for our family, and during school time I attended workshops and courses on the SEN system and his disability so I understood his needs better and could advocate for him more. I was also able to rest during the day as he slept badly at night, and exercise and focus on my wellbeing, do creative activities and attend meetings with other parents so I was kept busy. I'm not someone who needs a lot of social contact or the validation of a job title so it suited me - some people really struggle with that though.

BMrs · 10/10/2023 03:27

If you can afford it why not? Personally I work two days a week and still have young DC at home. I like the balance this gives me as I'd struggle being home every day even though I like the idea of it.

user1492757084 · 10/10/2023 04:00

Try working part time.

Skethylita · 10/10/2023 06:19

Not unreasonable to feel like that, no. I'm on leave next week and the thing I'm looking forward to the most is being able to pick my youngest up from school and being able to be there for my eldest who is going through a hard time at the moment.

But unless you can afford to
a) lose the money right now
b) take the risk that being off work brings to you (assuming you're in a relationship and would be reliant on a partner, or had only just enough savings to cover time off and not enough for emergencies)
c) lose your pension
then yes, actually doing it would be unreasonable.

Hufflepods · 10/10/2023 07:04

I've not had to rely on anybody whatsoever to be there when I physically can't because of work.

Surely you have to rely on either a partner or the state for full financial contributions though?
You make it sound like there are absolutely no negatives to not working and it’s all
positive, which comes across incredibly naive.

need2findwork · 10/10/2023 08:46

Can you afford it? Are you getting DLA and can claim carers' allowance (I know if doesn't replace an income but it does help a bit financially).

LadyBitsnBobs · 10/10/2023 08:53

yanbu - I hate working when there is a better life to be had

but when you are working out affordability make sure you don’t forget pensions. The main I reason I work is to ensure I have a pension fund.

Rainbowqueeen · 10/10/2023 08:58

Can you afford it? What will it mean for your pension and future plans? Will a career break mean your career suffers? How does your partner feel? Will it cause resentment? Are you married and therefore protected financially?

There are lots of things to consider. I’d look at part time personally. And if you are not married I would not consider it

Geneticsbunny · 10/10/2023 09:29

You will probably have to give up work when he gets to secondary school age, as there is no holiday childcare available so it is definitely worth thinking about now. If you enjoy it and it makes your family life more pleasant then do it.

Sjh15 · 10/10/2023 13:58

I’m at home a lot during the day and trust me it can become incredibly lonely. I do work, very part time in the evenings, we can afford this, but day times are lonely, I have one DS a 2 year old, he’s a dream but of course it’s not the same as adult company. Bare that in mind.

MamaBear4ever · 10/10/2023 14:58

I wouldn't hesitate to stay at home if I had the chance but it's not for everyone. Is your career one you can pickup again down the line? Do you personally feel the need to work outside the home? If you have the option to pick up a job in your field later down the line I say enjoy and embrace your new role as primary carer

need2findwork · 10/10/2023 15:03

@MamaBear4ever speaking from personal experience, you have no career with a disabled child. and the older they get, the less support there is. I managed to work through nursery and primary but things got really hard once we got to secondary and I am now massively struggling to find a role as there are very little jobs that take into account that there is virtually no wrap around and holiday childcare for older kids with SN . I find the career comments always completely misplaced when it comes to caring for a disabled child. We are not on the same trajectory as parents I'd typical children who will need less support over time - for parents like us it gets harder as the support is getting l as and less :(

Dotjones · 10/10/2023 15:06

If you can afford it then go for it. But make sure you do your sums first, how will you live? If you'd be relying on a partner's income, what will you do if they lose their job or your relationship breaks down? As long as you are happy with the answers by all means quit working, work is awful.

Kwasi · 10/10/2023 16:03

I more or less didn’t work for 6 years (just a few freelance bits and pieces). I was never bored and never stressed because everything that needed doing got done.

For financial reasons, I had to go back to work 6 months ago. The house and all the admin stress me out to the point of illness. Nothing gets done and then school holidays are an absolute nightmare. One day I had to literally beg one of the mums in my son’s class to look after him for a day while I worked.

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