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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To now feel awkward around her?

35 replies

TinaTeaspoons · 09/10/2023 21:57

I genuinely thought my colleague was early twenties. Today I found out she was 38. So the same age as me.
I feel really weird over it for some reason and also embarrassed because I have been speaking to her like she is a lot younger too. Aibu to feel like this ? It feels so odd to have assumed she was someone entirely different in a way. She is single with no kids and obviously looks exceptionally young which made me think she was so young.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 09/10/2023 22:00

Why would you speak to her differently than you would any other colleague, regardless of what you thought her age was? This absolutely smacks of age-based discrimination.

Original poster
TinaTeaspoons · 09/10/2023 22:02

Just in the way you do at times with someone who you assume is a lot younger. Not anything bad in it but most will speak differently to someone who they think is early twenties to someone who they think is their age for example. I know a lot will deny it here though.

OP posts:
SkaneTos · 09/10/2023 22:03

Feel weird about for a minute on your own, and then get over it.

Onelifeonly · 09/10/2023 22:06

Why should you feel awkward unless you feel you have been patronising her? To me all colleagues are adults. Some are a lot less experienced and I have a senior role, so it is sometimes part of my job to give advice or the benefit of my experience, but I hope I don't talk down to anyone.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/10/2023 22:08

A lot of us won't deny anything because there's nothing to deny. I don't speak to anyone on my team any differently from anyone else, and the ages of my team run the gamut. I have several people on my team that are younger than my own children, but I do not view them as "kids." I am their manager, I speak to them like the adults they are.

solice84 · 09/10/2023 22:19

Ha I remember I had this exact same scenario only I was the one the colleague clearly thought was a lot younger , saying stuff like 'aw you'll not remember that' etc
Bet she felt a bit daft when she found out she was only 1 year older 😂
Not much you can do about it now

Thanksforreading · 09/10/2023 22:22

Totally get you! I recently went back to work after two years after having a baby, and a girl at work I speak to who is lovely, I don’t think I spoke to her like she was much younger, but I thought she was younger, I thought she was 25ish as she was single and house shared. Two weeks later I find out she’s 38 and actually 9 month older than me! She told me she was shocked as she thought I was 28 and just had babies early… I think maybe the way I spoke to her was just more life experience, she did say she thought I did loads for my age as I lived in three different countries, work aboard and had kids. Don’t worry about it, she probably didn’t even pick up on you speaking to her like she was younger.

bingbongbang23 · 09/10/2023 22:31

TinaTeaspoons · 09/10/2023 21:57

I genuinely thought my colleague was early twenties. Today I found out she was 38. So the same age as me.
I feel really weird over it for some reason and also embarrassed because I have been speaking to her like she is a lot younger too. Aibu to feel like this ? It feels so odd to have assumed she was someone entirely different in a way. She is single with no kids and obviously looks exceptionally young which made me think she was so young.

I would love is someone thought I was 10 years younger. She would probably be super flattered if she knew!

donquixotedelamancha · 09/10/2023 22:41

TinaTeaspoons · 09/10/2023 22:02

Just in the way you do at times with someone who you assume is a lot younger. Not anything bad in it but most will speak differently to someone who they think is early twenties to someone who they think is their age for example. I know a lot will deny it here though.

I genuinely have no clue what this means.

TrainTrooper · 09/10/2023 22:58

TinaTeaspoons · 09/10/2023 22:02

Just in the way you do at times with someone who you assume is a lot younger. Not anything bad in it but most will speak differently to someone who they think is early twenties to someone who they think is their age for example. I know a lot will deny it here though.

Can you give an example? I am baffled tbh. Surely you talk to all colleagues the same?

Mydogmybestfriend · 09/10/2023 23:09

I actually get the same thing nobody believes my age and I find they talk to me like I'm in my 20s I don't find it offensive though

BittIeLastard · 10/10/2023 00:31

Why do you speak differently to people? Unless you assumed she was like 16 then I'm not sure why you'd apeak differently to her.

StarlightLady · 10/10/2023 06:06

YABU to think it’s appropriate to speak to someone differently based on whether they are 20s or 30s.

Warum · 10/10/2023 06:09

TinaTeaspoons · 09/10/2023 22:02

Just in the way you do at times with someone who you assume is a lot younger. Not anything bad in it but most will speak differently to someone who they think is early twenties to someone who they think is their age for example. I know a lot will deny it here though.

I think you need to elaborate here? You may speak slightly differently to a colleague who you know has more or less experience or could help/need help in a role, but that should not be based on age/apparent age.

Summerslimtime · 10/10/2023 06:44

As a pp said, you talk about past events etc. It might just be talking about pre Internet or mobile phones. Different life stages- younger colleagues living with parents or still very much clubbing every weekend etc. People talk about their lives in offices.

I have a bizarre colleague who I'm certain only gets away with all her shit as people think she's early 20s. If they knew she was 40 I think they'd not stand for it.

Cumbrianlife · 10/10/2023 06:46

I think you're probably the exception, especially in the work place but I've been on the receiving end of this.
It was the late 90s and I was a mature student and married (didn't often wear a ring) with a young DS when I started my degree. After around a year another student commented patronisingly on something about not knowing what it was like in the 80s properly because I was only a baby for most of it.
She'd previously had a few digs about teenage single mums but I'd defended them, simply assuming she was a bit of a dick.
I was only 23 when I married and 24 when I became a parent but this wasn't unusual back then. It turned out she thought I'd had DS at around 15 and was still in my late teens. I think I was around 28 and older than she was. I didn't take it as a compliment, especially given her previous digs.

SíDoMhamóí · 10/10/2023 06:48

It's hilarious to see people on here dating they speak to everyone the same. Right. Robots all. So they make no cultural context at all. If an old song, movie or incident is mentioned they don't speak about it in any way differently to the 22 year old compared to the 64 year old.

WandaWonder · 10/10/2023 06:48

Unless you were speaking of 'when I was born this was number one' or 'do you remember watching this when you were little' type thing then no I am not sure what you mean

PriOn1 · 10/10/2023 06:52

I found out that a colleague I thought was ten years younger than me was the same age. I hadn’t been speaking to her any differently, but it was an odd feeling for a day or two. I told her and I think she was pleased.

BittIeLastard · 10/10/2023 07:05

SíDoMhamóí · 10/10/2023 06:48

It's hilarious to see people on here dating they speak to everyone the same. Right. Robots all. So they make no cultural context at all. If an old song, movie or incident is mentioned they don't speak about it in any way differently to the 22 year old compared to the 64 year old.

We're not talking about 22 vs 64 though are we. We're talking about 20s vs 30s so no one can understand why OP has been speaking different based on this.

SíDoMhamóí · 10/10/2023 08:19

True @BittIeLastard , I think it was just everyone's bland 'why would you ever talk to anyone differently?' that riled me. Anyone with any sensitivity speaks to each person a little differently, because we have a different relationship, and different context for each person. My conversation with a 22 year old would be different to a 38 year old. And this would be appropriate as i would adjust my conversation to contextualise it

echinaceadreams · 10/10/2023 08:20

How do you mean you talk to them differently? Do you mean you talk about stuff from 20 years ago instead of 10?

MaryBeardsShoes · 10/10/2023 08:25

I look much younger than I am (in fact I’m also 38) and people can be hugely patronising to me because they think they can get away with it. But they are sort of people who will take any opportunity to put someone “in their place.”

Obviously I can’t say if this is you or not, OP. But she will have noticed.

Hibiscrubbed · 10/10/2023 08:25

The tone of your posts are slightly that this poor woman is somehow at fault, for looking young, for ‘deceiving’ you somehow, or perhaps because she has the audacity to be your age without a husband or child…?

Not sure. You don’t come off brilliantly though, OP. Perhaps because you admitted to talking down to her.

Cinnamonspice1 · 10/10/2023 08:33

Ppl always assume my age is 15-20 years less than it is, maybe due to having a round baby face.

I’ve certainly felt ppl will look down on me and treat me differently until they come to know my real age.