Post Prostrate

[SouthernStarlight]

I need help please as I am not sure or my self esteem is low

Context
I met my OH 4 years ago

When we met , the honeymoon period was short lived as he had a Prostatectomy ( removal of prostate and had Radiotherapy). We broke up after 4 months due to a rebound infidelity which he told me happened ( otherwise I would have never known)

We got back together 9 months later and have been together since. Our sex life is completely non existent - last time we were intimate was 3 years ago when I was 46 and he was 52. It doesn't help that he is overweight which does not help in trying to build some form of testosterone ( doctor advised) and he will pay a personal trainer but will not be bothered. We cuddle at night before sleep ( probably 2 mins then a kiss ( peck and turnover and sleep). I yearn for intimacy esp as am still young. I spoke to a GP (male ) friend of mine who said most men who have had this procedure are unlikely to ever be physically intimate again

I spoke about marriage as I am christian and at first I was ambivalent but I feel more that I do want to . I spoke to him and he said he will make any form of commitment but will not marry.

What is upsetting me - He advises he is completely dead down there but stares at women!! If he is what he says then I don't know if I am being naive or looking at women , rubber necking ( turning your head even) to look at them when I am there - surely there must be some attraction. I asked him if he finds me attractive and he said definitely otherwise he wouldn't be with me.

I am attractive physically however I think my self esteem is so low as I feel rejected by lack of intimacy, lack of marriage. I feel he is having his cake and eating it . The whole sex subject is so uncomfortable as he shuts it down and I feel I am wasting my time but feel so low or lack self confidence to leave

Please advise

So removal of prostate - 8 weeks recovery and then radiotherapy, and he managed to cheat after that in four months… there’s a few reasons why he might have done that but cheating is cheating let’s not try and justify his actions.
you are better off without him, he will never be able to give you that satisfaction of what you need in intimacy. Some men recover after surgery some men don’t, some men can find it hard to hold their wee in after surgery let alone an erection. Im guessing the whole subject makes him shutdown because he is struggling with it himself. ( my father recently had both prostate removed, I went to all his appointments with him, he’s currently doing a lot of Squeezy to help him control his bladder function and erection… yes TMI for me as his daughter)
For your partner to be staring at other women in-front of you is
just outright rude to you, even if he doesn’t get aroused, and it’s rude to other women too, especially the way you described it.
You would like marriage- he’s said no to marriage, stop wasting your time on him. Your self esteem is low because he is causing it, I’m sorry if I’m a bit direct but from what you have written I think you are better off without him and you 100% deserve better than how you have been treated.

Thank you so much and I sincerely appreciate the direct route as sometimes this is needed. Yes my self esteeM is very low and I hold on thinking he will change or that he os the way he is on the subject because he is an old fashioned alpha man who cannot come to terms with this situation

I am also not sure if I feel guilty for leaving him to deal with this

I am so confused and also make excuses for him! Am I the weak one here ?