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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is he being self centred or AIBU?

14 replies

Newbiemama24 · 09/10/2023 14:43

My partner and I are expecting. I'm 9weeks pregnant and have issues to the point where I'm thinking twice about whether it would be best to not carry on the pregnancy, but that's another topic in itself...

I was away (another European country) for a family wedding. It was on Friday so I left Thursday and came back on Saturday. I had family flying in from all over the world, but didn't stay the weekend because my partner has a business trip on Wednesday and will be gone for 10days and has a full week due to a conference his company is hosting this week. So I came back to have the weekend with him given we don't live together yet.

As I'm boarding my plane for the short flight we are on the phone and he tells me he has a business dinner that night (Saturday) with clients for this industry week they have this week. I was furious and asked why he didn't tell me given I forfeited seeing my family some of whom i havent seen in years to come back to him. I hung up and the flight took off. When I landed there was a message saying "Babe?". That's it. We haven't spoken since. He leaves on Wednesday. AIBU in being upset? I feel like he doesn't value my time to communicate so I could plan accordingly, or is this to add to the laundry list of his self centred behaviour? We are already on thin ice so conscious it may be me, but he is a man child on conflict and I'm tired of being the bigger person as I think I will set negative precedent that he can behave howeve he wants and I'll let it go eventually.

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 09/10/2023 14:48

I think it’s hard to say, given we don’t know what the other issues are.

It does sound like he’s a bit inconsiderate from your post!

AprilMayBeJune · 09/10/2023 14:48

But you could have stayed the weekend, you chose not to. In this situation I absolutely would have stayed and seen family I hadn’t seen for years. I don’t think him having a dinner out networking is self centred.
Not seeing each other for a couple of weeks isn’t a huge deal, especially when you can face time or video call these days. It doesn’t sound like your are both on the same page though at the minute.

Evaka · 09/10/2023 14:49

Had you agreed to spend the weekend together and he then made work plans without giving you the chance to change your own plans? Hard to read this situation. For starters I don't think I'd miss the opportunity to see family after a long time apart just to see my partner who I see all the time.

Sounds like you're unsure about the relationship and pregnancy. You do have a choice OP. Might be best to go with your gut.

Sirzy · 09/10/2023 14:55

I don’t get why you had to come back on Saturday if he only leaves on Wednesday?

Gymnopedie · 09/10/2023 14:58

The key here is the laundry list, this isn't a one off. You're not a priority to him like he is to you. Don't put up with being second (third, fourth, fifth) in his life, bin him and find someone who values you as much as you do them.

Gymnopedie · 09/10/2023 15:00

PS If you're not sure about the pregnancy and are considering ending it there would definitely be advantages to not having any ties to him in the future.

EveryKneeShallBow · 09/10/2023 15:01

It sounds like you decided to come home early. You could have stayed, but didn’t. It’s hard to tell from your post, but it doesn’t sound like a very mature, seasoned relationship at all. If you are having doubts about continuing your pregnancy, I would say, like pp, you should follow your gut feelings. Good luck.

PinkRoses1245 · 09/10/2023 15:01

AprilMayBeJune · 09/10/2023 14:48

But you could have stayed the weekend, you chose not to. In this situation I absolutely would have stayed and seen family I hadn’t seen for years. I don’t think him having a dinner out networking is self centred.
Not seeing each other for a couple of weeks isn’t a huge deal, especially when you can face time or video call these days. It doesn’t sound like your are both on the same page though at the minute.

I think this. It was your choice not to stay, I would have definitely stayed and seen your family. And it was a work thing, not necessarily his choice. But it seems there’s wider issues here

Original poster
Newbiemama24 · 09/10/2023 15:30

Yes, I could have stayed, you are right there and in hindsight maybe I should have. He is back to back with meetings due to this event this week hence why I wanted to make an effort and come back on Saturday. We have been on thin ice so it was my way of making an effort because we are in a difficult spot and don't want to pull the trigger without feeling like I tried. I think I'm emotional about it because I often feel like he's inconsiderate. He didn't have to go to the dinner, unlike the events this week, and he chose to. He knew this was the plan and didn't tell me until the literal last minute when I had no choice. He knows my biggest issue with him is lack of communication. It's not about the dinner, it's that I feel like I'm not a priority which is a vulnerable place to be in with a baby in the mix.

OP posts:
towriteyoumustlive · 09/10/2023 16:25

Your relationship doesn't sound a healthy one. I'm surprised you've chosen to being a baby into the world together!

You are clearly not a priority to him and need to accept this will likely be the case once the baby is here. You cannot expect him just to change.

Original poster
Newbiemama24 · 09/10/2023 18:27

towriteyoumustlive · 09/10/2023 16:25

Your relationship doesn't sound a healthy one. I'm surprised you've chosen to being a baby into the world together!

You are clearly not a priority to him and need to accept this will likely be the case once the baby is here. You cannot expect him just to change.

This was not a planned pregnancy and I'm doing the best I know how given this is where we are. As mentioned, I am considering if going through with the pregnancy is the right decision for me, but am struggling with my own beliefs (though obviously I don't judge anyone elses). As I also said, I feel quite vulnerable and emotional so am turning here to see if it's my hormones or if its how I am interpreting it is reasonable.

OP posts:
MorrisWallpaper · 09/10/2023 18:35

I’ll be honest, OP, an accidental pregnancy in a rocky, non-cohabiting relationship with such poor basic communication sounds like a dreadful combination. I’d be thinking in terms of whether or not I wanted to continue the pregnancy alone and raise the child solo.

Equalitea · 10/10/2023 08:02

It sounds like work takes priority for him. It sounds like you don’t accept that and that’s totally fine, but it’s probably not going to change and you’re going to end up very disappointed if you think it will with a child.

Janieforever · 10/10/2023 08:18

I can’t lie it doesn’t sound good. How long have you been together. I think the key here is when he chose to go to the dinner, sometimes it’s easier to say just don’t go. It was also your choice not to stay, personally I would have maxed the trip, you can go a few days without seeing nim

but more than that, you’re complaining about his communication but in this scenario yours was way worse.

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