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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband doesn't seem interested

20 replies

Lillytobyruby23 · 09/10/2023 13:32

Hi guys, i was wondering if you could honestly give your opinions - no harsh comments but honesty appreciated please x

Been with my husband for 8 years, we have a 10,5 and 6 month old,
My husband is obsessed with football, always has been and I understand this is his bit of 'man time' however,
All of his work friends are very young - no children. He goes to football every week and I've recently found out that although he leaves around an hour before the match starts, hes been getting there on his own and it feels like hes avoiding helping me with the baby and other childrens bed time etc. Im really starting to resent him for this.

He doesn't help with the changes,feeds etc unless I really ask him too, he forgets the bins and dishes majority of the time so i find myself practically doing everything unless i prompt him to help me which in theory shouldnt have to happen.

He tells me how much he wants his family yet every opportunity he gets he goes out. Last week he came home so drunk and he even went so far to drink driving in his works vehicle. He seems to want the young single life but have his family when it suits.

He doesn't invite me to any works do hes invited to And avoids going out with me. Our sex life is minimal and were only in our 20s. He just falls asleep every evening or hes on his phone.

He has also a friend from work who he seems to be on the phone 24/7 to, even throughout work time.

I genuinely feel hes only still here because he doesnt want to be the man who left his wife and kids...
Am i reading in to everything?
Perhaps im just hormonal after having baby (edited by MNHQ) 6 months ago and resenting the time i no longer have? I dont know.
Please help x

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 09/10/2023 13:36

It's time to raise your bar and make demands. He either grows up and becomes an active, present, and responsible husband and father, or he is free to leave. Stop enabling him to check out of family life.

Sumtimesiamgreen · 09/10/2023 13:40

Please don’t blame hormones. Say it how it is. He is lazy and selfish. He is not behaving like a father and a parenting partner. The football every week is tedious. If he loves it so much become a coach and involve his kids and family. He is treating you like his mammy. Grow the f up or move into a house share.

Sumtimesiamgreen · 09/10/2023 13:40

That’s him not you btw

HollaHolla · 09/10/2023 13:44

Sounds like he's a bit checked out.
The drink driving would be a massive wake up call for me - it's a proper non-negotiable. He could have killed someone; and ended up in jail. Great family man there.

Tempnamechng · 09/10/2023 13:47

Take your baby's name off the end of the thread op!
You sound very unhappy and he sounds like a child. Do you have options if you do split?
Who is the work colleague- male or female?

LaurieStrode · 09/10/2023 13:52

Was he this juvenile before the children were conceived?

Is this the role model you want for them?

How old is your older child? It can't be 10 months.

Quitelikeit · 09/10/2023 13:55

Tell him being a father means he needs to take part in raising his kids and that coming home after work and sitting around doesn’t count

Insist on him doing some bath/bedtimes etc on certain days

same with chores insist he does certain things

Quitelikeit · 09/10/2023 13:56

Oh and never make any big decisions when postpartum- hormones are still flying around everywhere

Original poster

Lillytobyruby23 · 09/10/2023 13:58

Thank you,
Sorry I'm new to this, ive tried to remove name from post but wont let me edit! 🤔
Im glad to hear im not just a hormonal wreck!

The football irritates me. I think he does deserve social time but then again he gets this in work every day. Im very much isolated and only see a couple of friends every now and tĥen.
The football has gone from half an hour at 6.30pm to leaving at 6pm and back at 10pm...

The drink driving sent me over the edge and i did call it a day but yet again I find myself forgiving these things which i said i never would because hes vowed to never do it again. I then wonder if he will or he genuinely will change and end up sticking it out to see.

The co worker is male, i find it ever so strange....
Thank you all. I think sometimes it takes strangers to really put things into perspective,
Im at a stand still and its either make or break. I just dont know how to put across my feelings because he just shuts me down or says "its not like that"
Its like a constant fight x

OP posts:

Original poster

Lillytobyruby23 · 09/10/2023 14:00

10 years 5 years and 6 months, unfortunately no. But he has started a new job with new work friends and its all changed since then. We were only 19 when we got together x

OP posts:

Original poster

Lillytobyruby23 · 09/10/2023 14:03

May i add eldest is from a previous relationship x

OP posts:

dcsp · 09/10/2023 14:57

Lillytobyruby23 · 09/10/2023 14:00

10 years 5 years and 6 months, unfortunately no. But he has started a new job with new work friends and its all changed since then. We were only 19 when we got together x

Men in their late teens and early twenties are often immature idiots.

He missed out on getting to be an immature idiot at that stage in his life - as he was a step-parent from 19 and a parent from 24.

His new work colleagues have made him realise this, and he's trying to reclaim the chance to be an immature idiot now. I'm sorry but he doesn't get to do that after having kids.

You need to sit him down, and explain to him that he needs to either stop behaving like he has no partner or family, or else he will have no partner or family. Make it clear you're not saying he doesn't get to see friends at all, but he has to stop behaving like he's a single 21-year-old.

Oh, and tell him that if he ever drink-drives again, you'll call the police on him yourself (and follow through on this).

Thebigblueballoon · 09/10/2023 15:05

So he went out and got pissed, then went drink driving in his work vehicle? Really? In what universe is this acceptable?
And to add to his allure, he does no housework, shuns baby duties and you’ve next to no sex life? In your 20s?
Read that back 20 times.

Gymnopedie · 09/10/2023 15:07

He doesn't get to tell you that it's not like that, when it very much is from your point of view.

It doesn't sound like he's going to change, whatever he says to reel you back in, so it's time to think hard about whether you want to stay with him. Whatever you decide do it because it's what you want, leave his thoughts and feelings right out of it.

PurpleOrchid42 · 09/10/2023 15:13

He wants you to be his mother, and to live like he's still a teenager, having everything done for him and going out with his mates. You need to have a serious conversation with him. He's not considering your needs or wants at all.

LaurieStrode · 09/10/2023 15:23

Where is the father of the eldest? It seems you are still in your 20s and have three children by multiple useless men. Indeed, you have four children, because your husband lives and behaves like a teenager but with destructive habits like the football and drinking.

This isn't sustainable. You say it's a 'constant fight,' and that is very, very damaging to your children. Can you talk with women's aid about what your options would be? Given his alcohol issues they might be willing to speak with you on the premise that his behaviour is dangerous to your family.

You have to prioritize the well-being of your children, not worry about his feelings. He doesn't seem to do much worrying about yours.

Good luck to you. 💐

Original poster

Lillytobyruby23 · 09/10/2023 20:01

I had my daughter early on who yes was unplanned with someone i was with my partner i was with since school. He is absolutely awesome and an amazing dad but we were very young and get on much better as friends now.
My husband has been in her life since she was 18 months old. He is 27 i am 29, 30 in december. Unfortunately i didnt plan to have children with different fathers but that is whats happened. until now we have coped very very well and brought up the most amazing children and never needed intervention or help, they're my world. My husband also being amazing to only recently showing this side, it hasn't been a regular occurance from day 1, this is all very sudden and a complete change in behaviour, its since his new job, new friendship circle. Thats whats most concerning to me,
Thank you for your honesty x

OP posts:

Olika · 09/10/2023 20:13

I would sit down with him and ask him if he wants to be single as how he is living right now is not acceptable for a married man with 3 kids in the house.

PurpleOrchid42 · 09/10/2023 20:21

Okay, so not a nice thought, but could he be having an affair? Could the work friend actually be a woman (stored on phone under man's name)?

Fluffyfluffkins · 10/11/2023 17:46

The drink driving is a disgrace. That in itself shows his level if selfishness and irresponsibility.

Regarding house and kids: List all chores, duties, etc, sit him down and divide the work equally.
Put the rota where he cannot avoid seeing it.
What would he do if you were ill?

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