MIL woes

[choccyholic1]

MIL has never really liked me, she pretends she does but she doesn't and it's so obvious.

She's two faced, a gossip, rubs it in anyone that will listen face that she can afford nice things like putting on Facebook that they've just spent £9k on a holiday to Spain for 10 nights (she lives in a council house, with her Husband who owns a house that he rents out and he has a decent job).

She tried to get me out of the family when I voluntarily went to a psychiatric hospital for a stay to help me with my mental health, I had a traumatic childhood then lost my grandparents in their early 60s who raised me from age 7, has infertility for years then had lots and lots of miscarries. I just crashed and needed help. She deleted me from family group chats, told her son to find somebody "normal" and threatened to tell my aunt about the sexual abuse I experienced as a child because she doesn't feel it's fair that her son helps me through all of this alone.

My DH and I have been through a lot together but I am normal, I've suffered anxiety and depression since I was about 9, I work full time, I have friends, I lead a normal life but after the last miscarriage it was like all of my grief from over the years just hit me and I couldn't get out of bed etc. DH and I got me through counselling and therapy and I came out a different person, we also went to marriage counselling to help strengthen our communication and work through both of our grief and we've come out the other side happier than ever, we now have our miracle baby, a beautiful girl and life is good.

But, I am sick of being treated like an outsider, like a piece of shit by MIL.

On Thursday, she called me to make plans for lunch at hers today. DH's brother and SIL are down for the weekend and live 7 hours away. She finished the phone call with that she's got me a present, strange but I said thank you and see you Sunday.

Today, in front of everyone, whilst laughing she told me that she'd had a picture printed of DH and DD and put it in a frame for me but she decided it looked nice in her lounge so kept it for herself, she thought this was hilarious.

She then got out the pictures she'd had printed, hundreds of photos, BIL, SIL, DH and baby etc etc I wasn't in any of them. She has no photos of me in the house, not even one from our wedding but DH, BIL and SIL are up on her walls.

I just felt really choked up, it seemed like a really mean thing to do regarding the "present" and I felt really embarrassed in front of everyone.

She also snatches DD's pram from me all of the time saying "she wants Nanny to push her" and she'll even take her off my lap if the mood takes her, I was preparing a bottle for DD and she asked if she could feed her but DH said he is feeding her as she's playing up a bit at the minute with drinking her milk and also he'd worked a 6 day week so wanted a cuddle and to give her her bottle, she threw a strop about this.

She regularly tells everyone how beautiful SIL is, inside and out and she gives her big hugs and buys her nice gifts and I just feel really tearful that I'm treated like this. I'm a good person, a good wife, a good Mum, a good friend. I do my absolute best to be there for all of my loved ones.

SIL can't stand it and calls her fake etc and says her and BIL are just stressed whenever they visit because MIL is too much. She's either stressing about little things or being over the top.

DH is sick of it too.

She spent 30 minutes being passive aggressive about nobody helping her wash up after dinner but she knew full well that I was washing one of the pans when she told me to sit down and relax.

I really just don't want to go there anymore but it'll cause arguments between her and DH, I wouldn't ever stop her seeing DD as I know she adores her, she just dislikes me for some reason but I don't want my daughter growing up around bad atmospheres etc so I try and keep the peace but I felt really tearful and embarrassed when she pulled the present stunt in front of everyone.

She also does it at Christmas, I don't expect anything of course but for example SIL will get a nice bottle of her favourite perfume and she'll buy me a pair of fluffy socks from primark.

I just don't know how to navigate this. DH is so laid back he's practically horizontal and tells me to ignore it but it's hard. Am I being too sensitive? Should I just ignore it?

I'd keep away from her and keep your daughter away too, if possible.

DH needs to wake up - he can't afford to sit this one out.

" I wouldn't ever stop her seeing DD as I know she adores her, she just dislikes me for some reason but I don't want my daughter growing up around bad atmospheres etc so I try and keep the peace"

This stood out for me. Stop it. Do NOT let your MIL have the opportunity to turn your DD against you, and you know she will try.

She only gets to have a good relationship with her DGD if she starts behaving nicely to you. Who cares if it causes arguments between your DH and her? As long as he has your back and is supportive of you, that is. He SHOULD be arguing with her, and pulling her up in her crap behaviour!

She sounds like a bitch. Just stop going there.

It sounds like you think she will magically change and become nice but that’s unlikely.

Spend time with SIL and your friends.

No way would I be going to her house for lunch and taking my DD there.
You will feel a lot happier cutting her out of your life

You’re not being too sensitive, but you cannot win with this woman. You need to discuss, again, with your husband and maybe agree that you will distance yourself from her. Your husband can visit without you, sometimes taking your baby. This can give you time to enjoy your own company or go out with friends, and not be stressed by this passive aggressive woman. If you are not in her company you minimise her opportunities to be rude, dismissive and downright cruel to you. Get your husband to buy her birthday and Christmas presents, it’s his job. She will still attempt to unsettle you, maybe with texts, phone calls etc, you would be perfectly entitled to ignore them or even block her. Protect yourself, your family and your mental health, this woman is toxic.

Your MIL sounds horrendous. Please do the best thing for you and that’s don’t visit. If she asks why, tell her.

Your DH needs to step up too.

You are not being too sensitive. Avoid her. Explain to your husband that you can't be around this crap. He can take your child round there. Don't put up with it.

I should’ve added that the grabbing the pram would’ve been a last straw for me. Who the fuck does she think she is?

I am sorry, but in true MN tradition you dont have a MIL problem.. you have a DH problem!
If he in any way accepts this treatment of you, as his wife, by ANYONE, his Mother or anyone else... he is out of order.
After everything you have been through... you claim 'together'.. he should be 110% on your side, standing up for you, telling his mother to f off.
Her behaviour is unacceptable.. his is TOTALLY unacceptable.
He needs to choose.. as an adult... does he want to be her son.. or does he want to be your husband.. he doesnt get to be both!
And she wouldnt be getting near my child... upset or not... your child is only being used as a lever.. cant you see that?

You say DH is sick of it too. Then you say he's laid back about it.

Which is it?

You're not being sensitive. You don't have to ignore it. MIL obviously says whatever she pleases. Why don't you?

"DO NOT snatch DD off my lap, she's happy where she is". If this causes an argument, so what? Your DH will have to step up.

I must admit that I was shocked when you said you wouldn't stop your MIL from seeing your DD. The thing is she is YOUR DD, so you get to say who she spends time with, and I certainly wouldn't want someone who clearly doesn't like me, to have any opportunity whatsoever to bad mouth me to my own child, and believe me, she WILL do this, but she'll always make out that it's a joke, if anyone pulls her up on it. I would tell your DH that you've had enough of his mother and her snarky comments, taking over with YOUR child, etc., and from now on, you don't want to see her or have anything further to do with her. As your child is his too, then fine, let him take her to visit, but as long as you're not there, hopefully she's less likely to bad mouth you, and when your child is old enough to understand and ask why you don't visit her grandmother, just tell her the truth, ie, grandmother doesn't like me, and isn't nice to me, so I chose not to spend time with her. This will show her that it's OK to have boundaries, and not be forced to spend time with people who are not nice to you. I would also block her on any social media, mobile, etc. she's only your MIL, makes it obvious she doesn't like you, so let your DH deal with her, but tell him he is NOT to make plans for you to go there for any so called 'family event's, and that she definitely is not welcome to come to you, or you go to her for Christmas. I'm afraid you will have to be firm with your DH, and put in some boundaries OP, otherwise, this woman will continue to walk all over you, and him being so laid back, will happily let her.

She is a cunt of the highest order, and your DH needs to call her out on it!!

I often think that going NC or LC is a bit dramatic on this site - but in your shoes I wouldn't waste a second of my time with the bitch!! Wouldn't let her see your DD unless heavily supervised either, if at all. Time will come when she will be badmouthing you to her too. Evil witch!

I have a sibling who badmouthed me to my children until one day one of my DC turned on them and said, "you do realise that's my mother you are talking about?" Very LC since... and it's easier, even if it's sad.

@GabriellaMontez sorry I meant DH is sick of her causing a stressful atmosphere with her constant complaining and flapping about nothing, the passive aggressiveness etc he agrees with his Brother but he'll keep the peace as he says we only have to see her for a few hours a month and for me to ignore it.

Thanks everyone, just about to feed DD her dream feed so skimmed through comments but will read properly tomorrow and respond.

I will chat with DH tomorrow.

I had really stressful MIL issues and I've now distanced myself so that I rarely see her and when I do I try to arrange it she it is in a social setting rather than in our homes. I am so much happier now. It was really draining dealing with her and it was driving me mad that I was constantly thinking about her (in context of the nasty things she was saying). You must distance yourself. I still let my MIL see the kids with DH but I must admit I do wonder sometimes that she might be saying negative things about me to them. I suppose if your DH is there when she sees then that would reduce that risk.

You have a really shit DH! Sorry to be blunt but he's doing Jack shit to help you, reassure you or defend you. Why didn't he stick up for you and insist you & him left as soon as she did the present bullshit? If he just sat there and said nothing then he should be ashamed of himself and you can do better!!!!!

I wouldn’t see her ever again and shame on your husband if he has an issue with that.

Keep your daughter away from this toxic woman too.

Just don't go round there. Don't have anything to do with her. Let DH take your child round there occasionally (but have clear boundaries about how often and for how long) and just cut her out of your life.

I do not have much to do with my MIL. She insulted me once (she really did I'm not being precious, my husband agrees and doesn't try and force me to have anything to do with her)
I haven't seen her since.
Husband takes the kids round once every couple of months for a few hours.
I can't be bothered being around someone who disrespectful to me and who I cannot trust. Life is too short.

She sounds absolutely toxic, and you should stay well away from her to protect your own mental health. It's entirely up to you if you want to let her have access to your child, but given how poorly she's treated you, I'd be inclined to say that she doesn't get to see your DD until she can treat you with respect.

You poor poor woman.

An utterly vile MIL and a selfish weak man for a husband who allows you to be treated so poorly.

Not a good man, husband or father.

I wouldn't go near her house again. Ever.

She wouldn't be allowed with 100 yards of any child of mine.

I would be rethinking my marriage to such a poor excuse of a man.

You have tolerated far too much from this utter horror and her son.

You sound like a lovely woman who is a great mum, but your daughter needs a role model that will stand up for herself.

Not like her father who is weak and stands up for no one, not his wife, not his child.

Step away from this awful woman completely.

Look at getting some counselling for yourself and look closely at why you are accepting both that nasty woman and her son treating you so badly.

You deserve so much better than this awful woman and her weak, disloyal, selfish son in your life.

A good man wouldn't tolerate his partner and the mother of his child being treated so appallingly.

Would you be happy in the future for your precious daughter to be with a man who allowed his mother treat you like this?

I would fillet any man who thought he could treat either of my daughters like this, not to mind his mother.

You deserve so much better.

You know yourself that you are a great person, you don't need her approval. She won't succeed in coming between you and your daughter, even your SiL finds her unbearable and MiL likes her! Stay away from her as much as possible and don't worry about what she says as it sounds like everyone can see what she is like. Your DH should support you whatever you decide to do about seeing her in the future.

Don’t let your dd grow up to think that this vile woman is a safe or respected person. She will try to ruin your memories of dd’s childhood and steal her affection. Visiting her is like a tug of war—first over your dh and soon over your dd. She will always pit you against everyone and anyone else. Do not let her. Never go back.

My MIL did a lot of these things. I decided that if I wasn't family, I wasn't going to make the effort, so stopped doing for them. Then she was upset she never saw us. You reap what you sow.

Ilf you want to stop id stop your dd going too. As if you just stop she will try to poison your dd against you.?

Or I'd agree an amount of time you go say once a month for 2 hours. Delete her from your phone and sm, all contacts through dh and if she is rude (such as snatching dd or her comments) you give her one warning and if she does it again you leave regardless of how long you have been there. Dh would need to back you

Step right back and cut contact with this toxic woman.

Keep your precious DD away from her too. Why do you think you need to facilitate contact between them? She will drip her poison into your daughter's ears over time and use her against you. Do you really want to let that develop just because she is DD's biological grandparent? Take steps now to prevent it and stop seeing her at all.

If DH still wants to see her then he can go on his own. NOT with you or DD and not with you. If that causes tensions then so be it until he and his appalling excuse for a mother get the message loud and clear that she is not welcome in your lives.

She won't change and your DD doesn't need a relationship with her. It would be a toxic one and to the detriment of you and DD.