What can I do....housework frustration

[Stardust35]

Just had a huge row with the husband over housework chores. Again. Normally I do them throughout the week and keep on top of things. or use a day off to get everything done. He will wash up every so often. But generally leaves them half finished then walks away. I've been working all day today (I'm a teacher and it's been one of those Sundays where I've had a massive work to-do list for the week ahead). I was stressed anyway as working all Sunday was the last thing I wanted to do. When I eventually finished. Clothes washing hadn't been done. Bathrooms shocking, washing-up half done, grease all over the kitchen from fried breakfast. I flew off the handle. He's now in a grump saying he didn't see what the problem was and that'd it all get done. Arghhhh. I mean am I supposed to write him a to-do list??? How best to handle this as I normally do the lions share but obviously need him to pick up the slack when I can't.

LTB, then you’ll only have your own dirt to clean up.

Just say “oh ok then, I’m glad you’ve set aside time to do it later as I’m exhausted from work” and don’t clean up. Let it stay dirty.

Why are you doing all the housework? Do you have children, has he been looking after them? In short how have you got to this point?

Stop doing the ‘lion’s share’ for a start! You’re a teacher which is stressful job with long hours. Expect the lazy fucker to step up and don’t compensate or negotiate.

Just have a resting bitch face and be prepared to face down and keep having those rows until he bloody well gets it. Men will happily play the long game of strategic uselessness until women capitulate. So don’t. Treat him like one of your ‘bright but lazy’ school pupils.

Why do you normally do the lion’s share?

Generally speaking, picking up the slack is less reliable than someone having a set job they always do, as it’s a change in routine and easier to forget. But if he doesn’t pull his weight day-to-day it’s probably a lot more to do with him being lazy or chauvinistic, and that’s not something you can fix. He has to want to change because he realises it hurts you and that he doesn’t want to do that.

I'm really houseproud and naturally like to keep things nice yet he doesn't really see mess and stuff like that the grass needs cutting etc. He'd wait weeks before getting round to jobs and so often I've just done them first so they get done. I generally just see it as routine. I don't know if he's just lazy or doesn't feel the need to do things straight away. Honestly dirt and stuff doesn't bother him, and he'll just sort it whenever whereas I like things kept nice and organised. But then the imbalance really shows when I'm not on top of things. It really bothers me but I don't think he can see what I'm stressing over.

Honestly, why would he even bother doing anything when he knows if he just waits long enough, you will do it? He just doesn't care enough.

What you do about it, I've no useful advice. But if he doesn't care it's dirty/ messy AND he doesn't care that you are doing pretty much everything then I'm not sure you are going to find an answer.

he doesn't really see mess and stuff

You know this selective blindness is made-up, right? He sees it, he just doesn't care about it and knows that if he pretends not to do it, it will be taken care of by the cleaning fairy, i.e. you.

If you don't have children, leave him now before you do.

He's lazy and knows you will do it. So his it will get done means you will do it .....heart to heart time or get him to pay a cleaner

You normally do it, so he sees it as your responsibility.

It's not that he 'doesn't see dirt', it's that he doesn't see it as something he's responsible for.

The only way out is for you to stop taking responsibility for it and see if he steps up and starts pulling his weight - I warn you though, in my experience this often results in a disappointing realisation that he's not prepared to.

Why do you usually do the lions share? If you usually do most he's probably not being very perceptive that you expect him to step up, I'm not saying that's right I'm just saying he probably thinks the fairies do it or it 'gets done' with magically no effort needed by himself. Time to work out what needs doing weekly and split it between you. We've started using Trello for this as you can allocate people to certain tasks. Split it down the middle and agree when it will be done by (e.g. Sunday).

Honestly DH and I used to have this issue and ultimately what we decided was that we both have a set of “jobs” that have to be done, and we agree how often/when they need to be done. I agree you shouldn’t have to necessarily write a list for him, but if sitting down and agreeing a list of jobs and days/frequency prevents this argument happening again isn’t it worth it? We did this because I realised that honestly it wasn’t even as if my DH was deliberately not doing things that needed doing, he just genuinely didn’t see the things I would see as needing done, we just have different standards I suppose! Where I would wipe the benches if there was a few crumbs, he wouldn’t be bothered about that and wouldn’t see it as an issue, where I would do the dishes after each meal/wash a mug after my coffee because I hate dirty dishes sitting there, he doesn’t see dishes in the sink as an urgent issue if there are still dishes to use, he’d rather use them all and then wash them all up.

I’m exactly like you in that I’m really houseproud and like it to be nice and clean as much as possible, whereas that doesn’t bother my DH at all he doesn’t mind mess, we are just different that way! But my DH was always happy to help and always used to do the “just tell me what to do and I’ll do it”! But constantly telling him what to do was irritating and made (us both) feel like I was his mum! So we sat down and divided all the jobs up and agreed when they need to be done, so now we just get on with it! He knows that the benches need wiped daily, he knows that if the washing basket is full regardless of if he still has clothes to wear then the washing gets done, he knows the grass gets cut every Saturday unless it’s raining etc. It takes the subjective thought out of it of “is that dirty” and it’s as simple as literally “right it’s Saturday so x needs done” x

It's not made up! Dh is a control freak who gets very upset at mess. I tend to think, if it bothers you so much you should deal with it. Sometimes he doesn't wash up/ clean kitchen in the evening (his job) and I don't bat an eyelid when I come down to a 'tip' in the morning, it just genuinely doesn't bother me.

But anyway, if I were you I'd write a list of 'things to be done this weekend' on Sat morning and then you initial which ones you're going to do. He can do the same. If he's doing them all at 9pm on Sunday, that's his look out.

Did you not discuss this stuff before you got married and agree a plan?

Thankfully we did. DH said "I don't cook, I don't do housework, I don't do laundry". No problem, I didn't iron or do housework either, I paid a cleaner. We doubled the cleaner's hours.

I wash the clothes, shop and cook. DH does bins, outdoor paintwork and outdoor sweeping. DH is very very tidy and we share the dishwashering.

It has worked for more than 30 years.

Stop being a door mat op. Also, why do you think all the housework needs to be done by you? Why does your dh think it's OK for it all to be done by a woman? I hope he brings as much to the table as you do in other ways.

If he is too inadequate as an adult to do any housework ( how deeply unattractive that is ) then why can’t he hire a gardener and cleaner to do his share. He can get gardener in monthly and cleaner fortnightly.
please do not have children with this man op. He is a selfish man child. He won’t change. He will occasionally take a child to his mums so you can have a break to get the laundry done.
but as you say the poor lamb just doesn’t see it………

Either keep on nagging, do it yourself or get a cleaner. Getting a cleaner is the best. You should afford it on a teachers wage.

Read Fair Play by Eve Rodsky. Together you decide what the household chores are, to what standard and how often they should be done, and who is responsible for them. Being responsible for bins doesn’t mean “takes bin out when wife nags”; it means knowing when bin day is and when it changes around Christmas/bank holidays, ordering the new bin from the council when the old one gets nicked (if you live on a street like ours…), ensuring adequate supply of bin bags, taking out all bins not just the kitchen one (so bathroom, utility, wastepaper baskets), tip runs, recycling, all of it. No overflowing bins unless together you’ve agreed overflowing is an acceptable household standard. No forgetting to put the wheelie bin out, missing collection, and having a stinky bin.

The person not responsible for bins gets to take it off their mental load and physical list. You check in once a week to swap tasks as necessary, as some chores are worse/have a heavier load than others. It’s very simple and it works, IF he’s not a shitebag.

The only explanation is that he believes he's entitled to a better life than you have, and that you, as a woman, should have to serve him.

I couldn't be with a partner like that.

Sadly, I imagine his mother has a lot to answer for, and so probably does yours.

It’s not. My DH does most of our housework. It genuinely does not occur to me that things need doing at the same time it does to him.

I probably wouldn’t notice the grease needed cleaning until I went to cook again. I WOULD get round to doing it, but not on DH timetable.

I can promise, it’s not wilful defiance; I don’t look at something, think “that needs doing” then move on.

He's lazy; he thinks it's your job to do it; he doesn't care.In future don't do anything for him, don't cook, don't clean, don't wash any of his clothes. Let him wallow in his own filth. You are not the maid of all work; even they got a day off.

Dig down a bit and you'll find he believes that your concerns are not worth his attention because housework = women's work, and he exists on a higher plane (= he is a man).

You won't like it when I say this but the allocation of jobs you have written looks like you do the lions share xxx

@WorkSmarter not really because cooking is my hobby and I love it. You may also have underestimated how much outdoor paintwork and sweeping there is to do.

I did far more in the home than DH when the children were smaller but he worked far more hours than me and as a team our contributions were/are equal.