To be disappointed?

[CocoPopsAddict]

Nc for this one, am a regular.

My son was widowed a few years ago; DIL had substance abuse problems. It was an awful experience for all of us. I have one DGD who is now 8.

Her maternal grandmother used to visit DGD a couple of times a year.

DS has recently said he wants to distance himself from other GM. He says he has been reflecting, and his wife never got on with her own mother and said she awful to her as a teenager, and as DGD gets older, he is worried about this. He has never really liked her. He doesn't think DGD benefits from a relationship with her. He even says he is worried that the turbulent relationship between late DIL and her mum might have contributed to her later mental health issues / substance abuse.

I raised him to be kind to others, and am concerned that he is being cruel to somebody who has already lost their daughter. I don't think she should be blamed for her daughter's problems or denied access to her granddaughter.

DS says maternal GM is not his responsibility.

I have tried reasoning with him but he won't listen, and says it is his decision and his priority is his daughter.

I feel that I am stuck in the middle and trying to explain to other GM why he hasn't taken DGD to visit her lately.

I invited them all to get together at my house but DS accused me of interfering, and it was embarrassing to have to explain to her on the phone that he wasn't coming or bringing DGD.

I know people grieve in different ways and sometimes people become bitter, but she has never blamed my son for what happened to her daughter, and has always been very generous to him and DGD.

Aibu to be disappointed with him?

I think it should be up to your grand daughter to a certain extent. Does she like seeing her? Does she like her? If she is happy seeing her then he should let her.

If she isn't bothered or doesn't like her for whatever reason then he is doing the right thing.

If she is a danger or will cause her any issues including mental health then he is right

He is also her dad and would hopefully choose what's right for your granddaughter

I dont think you should be disappointed with him he is doing what he thinks is best for his daughter, though her feelings should be considered too

Are there any other maternal relatives on the scene?

It would be awful for your GD if she had no contact with that side of her family. I lost my mum when I was very young and it's affected me all my life.

All of the little, seemingly irrelevant details. Not knowing my heritage from my maternal family. Did my mum enjoy art at school? Where did they go on holiday when she was little? Family traditions. What was her nickname growing up. Her mannerisms. Her favourite music. All,of the things that your DS won't necessarily know from when his wife was a child.

I'm not saying that DGM is necessarily the best person to fill this gap. But it's a gap that's very important to fill.

Your GD needs to know her family. Her Dad doesn't have the right to deprive her of that.

Whatever you think of his decision, it is entirely up to him to decide what’s best for his child. Ultimately we don’t know how his MIL is with her GD or what kind of parent the MIL was to your son’s late wife. (I can certainly think of a case I know where the GPs, who had been abusive and neglectful to their daughter when she was a child, were an awful influence on their late daughter‘s children after she died.) Maybe your late DIL’s problems were triggered by her mother’s behaviour. You don’t know.

We all see posts every day on Mumsnet where people talk about toxic parents/in-laws who are not necessarily good for their grandkids, and the advice is always to go no-contact or low-contact. I’m pretty sure that if we heard your son’s side of the story, people would give him that advice too.

Yes, your son’s MIL has lost her daughter, but your son has lost his wife and the mother of his child and I just don’t think it’s fair on him for you to be getting involved in his decision or implying that he’s let you down by ‘not being kind’ as you feel you brought him up to be. Just let him parent his own kid.

Your GD needs to know her family. Her Dad doesn't have the right to deprive her of that.

You can’t know what’s right in this situation because you don’t know the people involved. It might be very different to your own upsetting experience, and I don’t think it’s possible to apply your own situation to someone else’s.

Ultimately a parent does have the right to do what they believe will protect their child. In some cases they will be wrong and in some they will be correct and we simply don’t know what’s right here.

Im a big believer in the most important family relationship a young child has is with their own parents rather than extended family. It’s your DSs choice who is in his DDs life. If the Grandmother wasn’t a good mother to her own daughter then I can understand his reasoning. I don’t think that makes him cruel.
You shouldn’t be putting yourself in the middle of this. His former MIL is your sons business, not yours. If you resist what your DS wants, you run the risk of driving a wedge between you and him. Especially because he has already accused you of interfering. Stay out of it.

Your son has been through hell, and he's now trying to do what's best for his child and himself. He knows his mil better than you do. Please let him do what he needs to and stop putting pressure on him.

Playing peacemaker is definitely interfering and you should not be trying to explain his actions to her. And inviting them all to your house is manipulating and undermining him. He'll start to really resent you if you don't stop meddling.

Ah ok, thank you all. Certainly food for thought. Was just trying to do the right thing but perhaps I am getting it all wrong. This whole situation is so difficult for everyone.