AIBU about going back to work

OtheHalf · 2023-10-08T07:37:57+00:00

I am the higher earner in our relationship. OH has been part time 3 days per week since I had our children. I was always of the understanding that they'd increase their hours when the kids went to school. Children are now in high school but OH is enjoying PT working. It drives me furious because I feel I get little value in return for their non working days, cooking, washing and some light touch housework. FT I still do ironing, DIY, gardening, vacuuming, dusting etc. So my feeling b is that OH should get off their arse and contribute more. Anyone with me?

Nospecialcharactersplease · 08/10/2023 08:44

Someone will be along to tell you that parenting teenagers is a full time job etc, but I don’t buy it. The kids are at school working hours, so no reason for a parent to be home with their feet up awaiting their return.

I think you need to nail down when they plan to return to work full time, and if they aren’t prepared to you need to consider whether you want to continue subsiding them indefinitely. It would be a hard no from me, even if it meant separation.

Stepbystepfan · 08/10/2023 08:45

Absolutely! He should do jobs whilst you are at work! Anything left over that he doesn’t manage to get through should be shared. I am divorcing my husband for the same reason. I was fed up of working 80 hour weeks and my husband doing his hobby all weekend whilst my only day off was spent doing jobs. It’s not a fair marriage if one person is grafting more than the other.

Oysterbabe · 08/10/2023 08:49

You need to reach a compromise. Can he increase his hours a bit and you reduce yours? My kids are at school now and I have no intention of going back 5 days ever, I do 32 hours over 4. DH and I are both happy with the way work and chores are split.
Unless you're in need of the money, why do you both need to work yourselves into the ground?

rubyslippers · 08/10/2023 08:52

I am sure he’s enjoying being PT with older kids both at school
you have options - he increases his hours, you could decrease yours or do compressed hours so you have free time and you don’t lose salary
what does he say when you bring this up?
It would in all honesty drive me mad
me and my DH both work FT with older teens - the intensity of those early years is gone - everyone needs to be pulling their eight at home in terms of chores etc and it isn’t fair it’s all landing on you
that’s not equitable

Gcsunnyside23 · 08/10/2023 08:54

I would propose to them then that they go up a day and you drop a day so it's fair. There's no need for working part time when your kids are older now.

SallyWD · 08/10/2023 08:56

Why is everyone assuming the partner is a male? OP could be male and the partner could be female. They were careful to say "they" not he or she.
I worked part time through the primary school years but I did all the house work etc. My DH got very good value out of me! I'm going to increase my hours when my youngest starts secondary school.

SallyWD · 08/10/2023 08:57

rubyslippers · 08/10/2023 08:52

I am sure he’s enjoying being PT with older kids both at school
you have options - he increases his hours, you could decrease yours or do compressed hours so you have free time and you don’t lose salary
what does he say when you bring this up?
It would in all honesty drive me mad
me and my DH both work FT with older teens - the intensity of those early years is gone - everyone needs to be pulling their eight at home in terms of chores etc and it isn’t fair it’s all landing on you
that’s not equitable

OK ignore that. OP says "since I had our children". Sorry

SallyWD · 08/10/2023 08:58

Argh I was meant to quote my post not @rurubyslippers. I'm not with it today

InDubiousBattle · 08/10/2023 08:58

YANBU he's at home 2 school days a week you shouldn't be gardening/dusting etc, it should all be done in those days. Could you afford the drop in income if you both went to 4 days? If you point out the unfairness how does he justify leaving housework to you?

DNLove · 08/10/2023 09:02

Everyone is quick to assume this is a woman talking of a husband! I read this as a male writing about female partner or a same sex female couple.
If someone is staying at home as the stay at home parent with older kids the the time should be spent doing household tasks. There's will still be things the main working partner should so but a good chunk should be done in the non working days.
I'd draw up a list of all the key household tasks. Focus on the room, e.g. Kitchen needs daily cleaning. Bathroom deeper clean once a week, light touch in between. Kids bedrooms, weekly by the kids (pocket money dependant).
Discuss all of these and what gets done when. Also suggest cleaner if your partner hours back to work.

RDragon · 08/10/2023 09:04

Partner could be a woman.

I think you need to have a conversation about financial goals, work-life balance etc. I personally don't want to work full time ever again (I am a single parent so luckily I don't have to run this past anybody) and am happy to make the adjustments in lifestyle/retirement age to make that possible. You need to figure out what your individual and collective goals/priorities are and find a way to work towards them. That doesn't necessarily mean that you both work full time or that you carry on just as you are - that's obviously not working for you.

One option might be for you to work less too.

Another might be for your partner to take on more housework so that you both have equal amounts of free time.

Mischance · 08/10/2023 09:06

This is the work scenario of one of my DDs. Whist she is at work and during the time he is not working, he does all the school pick-ups, all the shopping, all the cooking, some of the laundry and they share general cleaning etc. It works really well for them, but only because he is doing his share and more. I think my DD might have forgotten how to cook, it has been so long since she has done it!

ThreeLeggedPug · 08/10/2023 09:08

Can you both work 4 days

or he works 3 and either pays someone to iron hoover mow or does it himself

young teens can be emotionally and physically draining if they have any SEN or mental health issues. Part time working in these situations would offer children support and the whole family balance. However if the teens are straight forward it should be easy enough to both work full time and employ a cleaner.

KeepTheTempo · 08/10/2023 09:15

What do you most need as a family?

More income? Then both of you FT - but pay for a cleaner if you could, and pay someone or one of the teens for gardening help

Less envy or sense of fairness about leisure time? Then could you both go 4 days, or keep as is but agree to more jobs being done in the day?

The setup does sounds unfair but also from experience think that two FT jobs can be hard, and it is good for younger high school kids especially to have someone home when they get back.
It's also often the case that the person at home might be doing more than the other appreciates. I was FT, but WFH and when we first split my then-DH suddenly realised how hard it was to always be the one needing to be at a club pickup at 5.30, or helping with homework, or sorting medical appointments etc.

strawberry2017 · 08/10/2023 09:17

If they haven't returned to full time by now they have no intention of doing so.
If I was only working 3 days I would 100% be picking up all the slack so that we could then enjoy the family time together when they weren't working.
Time for a sit down and some decision making.

Original poster

OtheHalf · 08/10/2023 09:19

Im not asking them to go back full time but they could work school hours 5 days a week. At least then all the extra I do at weekends and evenings won't feel so bad

OP posts:

Original poster

OtheHalf · 08/10/2023 09:21

I don't get time to sit down, I'm up first and bed last, they'll happily sit on the couch surfing the net whilst in off doing something in the apartment. Baskets of washing and recycling just dumped waiting for me to sort out. I've even had to rope in the kids for ironing and jobs about because it's just making me I'll

OP posts:

PonyPatter44 · 08/10/2023 09:22

Since the OP says they gave birth to the children, they are fairly unlikely to be male. The sex of the lazy-arsed partner is irrelevant, they need to be pulling their weight much more round the house. The person working full time is the one who should be doing "light touch" housework.

echinaceadreams · 08/10/2023 09:24

SallyWD · 08/10/2023 08:57

OK ignore that. OP says "since I had our children". Sorry

Show quote history

Nope you were right - could be a same sex couple.

echinaceadreams · 08/10/2023 09:25

I think a 4 day week for both of you would be a good comprise?

Whataretheodds · 08/10/2023 09:26

OtheHalf · 08/10/2023 09:21

I don't get time to sit down, I'm up first and bed last, they'll happily sit on the couch surfing the net whilst in off doing something in the apartment. Baskets of washing and recycling just dumped waiting for me to sort out. I've even had to rope in the kids for ironing and jobs about because it's just making me I'll

Stop doing it?

Whataretheodds · 08/10/2023 09:27

Have you had a chat with them to say 'the balance of paid and unpaid work doesn't feel fair. It's making me feel taken for granted and resentful. How do we redress the balance?'

Merryoldgoat · 08/10/2023 09:29

So what have they said when you discuss it? If the children are at high school this is 6 years in the making.

I’d like to know what they think they do rather than what you think they do.

ilovesooty · 08/10/2023 09:32

Nospecialcharactersplease · 08/10/2023 08:44

Someone will be along to tell you that parenting teenagers is a full time job etc, but I don’t buy it. The kids are at school working hours, so no reason for a parent to be home with their feet up awaiting their return.

I think you need to nail down when they plan to return to work full time, and if they aren’t prepared to you need to consider whether you want to continue subsiding them indefinitely. It would be a hard no from me, even if it meant separation.

There are plenty of women on here who work part time with children in school and that's generally deemed to be fine.

It seems that the division of labour is the issue here.

SpinachandChocolate · 08/10/2023 09:35

OtheHalf · 08/10/2023 09:21

I don't get time to sit down, I'm up first and bed last, they'll happily sit on the couch surfing the net whilst in off doing something in the apartment. Baskets of washing and recycling just dumped waiting for me to sort out. I've even had to rope in the kids for ironing and jobs about because it's just making me I'll

This tells me what your partner doesn't do.

What do they do?

For example do they drive the kids around? I have a non working day and mil saw me sit and commented I'm lazy so trying to be open mineded first.

Also is their health and mental health all OK?