To dislike husband when he's sick?

[LunaDreams]

Apologies in advance but I really need a sounding board for this. As a disclaimer- I love my husband very much and do not want to leave him but really struggle with him when he's ill.

For context, my husband is a 33 year old fully functioning adult. We have a 2 year old son who has repeated viral illnesses and has been in hospital just shy of 10 times over the past year and a half. My husband and I both work condensed hours (36 and 32 hours squeezed into 4 days respectively).
When my husband is well he is a great Dad and generally pulls his weight at home.

When he's sick however he is a totally different person. He is definitely a hypochondriac (he would agree with this) and when he's ill he totally switches off from parenting/husbanding. He takes himself off to bed and stays there, saying he is too unwell to help with anything. If I get fed up with him, he accuses me of being unsympathetic & unkind which usually leads to a huge row.

To give an example, we came back from holiday on Friday. I drive the 3 hour journey as my husband doesn't drive. I haven't been sleeping well as am worried about starting a new job on Monday and ended up being sick on the side of the road on the way home due to a bad headache.

Within half an hour of getting home our sons breathing got bad from the cold he'd had for a few days so I took him to GP who then sent us straight to A&E. My son was in hospital overnight for treatment & came home yesterday morning needing inhalers every 4 hours including overnight.

My husband also has a cold and has gone into complete shut down. I asked him to come to GP with me as I was so tired and feeling so unwell I felt I couldn't retain all the information. When we found out our son had to go to hospital my husband assumed I was taking him on my own. I got upset and asked him to come too to a) give moral support and b) practical support to sit with our son so I could go and buy something to eat/go to toilet. I said I didn't think it was fair to assume I'd go on my own especially considering I'd been sick only a few hours ago. Admitted, I was upset when I said it but my husband got really arsey with me and accused me of having no sympathy for him, of being mean and taking my stress out on him.

Fast forward, I stay in overnight with my son and was husband leaves after 2 hours as feels too unwell. I have a total of 2 hours sleep in 24 hours. I bring my son home in the morning to find my husband in bed, from where he doesnt get up until 3pm. In that time, I got a few hours sleep then got some food for us all and looked after my son. My husband got up to look after our son for an hour late afternoon and then went back to bed to game and eat a pizza.

He said he'd get up at 10pm and 2am to do our sons inhaler but when the 2am alarm went off he refused to get up as said he felt too ill so I had to do it and now still awake. I start a new job tomorrow and am so exhausted and worn out that I just want to cry.

I just feel so fed up of his behaviour. I want to be kind and supportive when he feels ill but he never respects that I'm exhausted and not well myself. He literally doesn't think about me or our son at all. It's not even about what he actually does or doesn't do but it's about the fact there is never a discussion about it- he's ill so that's that, he gets to switch off from parenting whilst I pick up the extra slack, no matter what state I'm in. If he was really unwell I would understand but if you can get yourself up to have pizza and game for hours, why cant you help with your child?

AIBU in my frustration? Or am I just being mean?

Well, from what you’ve written, it sounds terribly unfair on you. It sounds like your husband perhaps sees you as a facilitator rather than an equal partner. I was particularly struck by how you threw up on the side of the road during a three hour journey! You’re not anything like my wife but even as a random internet stranger; I’d probably tell you to drive to the nearest service station and get you a hotel so you could recover before continuing on. Where is his empathy?

You say there’s never any discussion and he always gets to go to bed if he’s unwell. Have you tried being upfront with him about your needs mattering as well? I appreciate you have a son to look after (so you feel you can’t take a day off) but your husband should still do this (a bit) when unwell and 50:50 when well.

I think you have a ‘man child’ on your hands. I hate calling men that as I think it’s usually toxic to infantilise one’s partner. It sounds like he is though; I like pizza and gaming too but I’d never put them before my spouse or child (if I had one). He likes to regress when he’s unwell and it’s not appropriate when he’s a married parent.

As for what you can do. I think you need to try and nap today for your new job on Monday. Tell DH you’re going to bed and just do it. Can your son watch a film alone while you do that? I’m sure he’ll be ok for a couple of hours. More generally, you need to start putting yourself first when necessary and just make sure you’re looked after. When DH is well, have a frank talk about how you feel. Hopefully he will be concerned and more mindful of your needs in the future.

If talking to him reveals he isn’t concerned about your needs then maybe you’d be better off without him. I used to have a partner like your husband. I wasted my 20s on him. He didn’t give a shit about me but I was expected to cater to his every whim. I regret that but I was just a people pleaser at the time. Trust me that people pleasing will not make you happy! Putting yourself first doesn’t make you a bad person.

why doesn’t your husband drive? By choice or is there a medical condition?

I don’t think that you need to ask him to go everywhere with you when he’s feeling shit.

YANBU. I dislike your DH after reading what you've written about him.

There seems to be a lot of sickly DHs around at the moment. Surely people are ill once or twice a year, not permanently having to go to their beds with colds.

I couldn't put up with that, I'd find it impossible to have any respect (or indeed "like") for anyone who behaves in such a selfish pathetic manner.

I'm sorry you're going through this rn x
my dd also gets this viral wheeze, and she used to end up in the hospital all the time, any time she had colds.
It is very scary and exhausting to go through it because you're so worried about them but so tired at the same time,
so I can imagine how you feel right now. I hope you are getting some sleep in to and looking after yourself.

my dd is 6 now and she gets it way less frequently than she did,
she ended up getting the brown preventer inhaler and we've always got a blue inhaler just in case
So I hope that makes you feel a bit better, that he wont be dealing with this forever x

the doctor told me if you see the signs of your child getting worse, you give the blue inhaler immediately 10 puffs
and don't call an ambulance,
get a taxi or drive yourself to A&E its quicker
you could have a little emergency bag packed in future, with spare clothes nappies, wipes, inhaler, snacks and phone charger

About your husband, I have no words
women always seem to be able to pull through their illnesses and men just "can't", more like don't want to and honestly men like that just piss me off

If he was able to play a game and eat pizza, I am sorry but he was not really that ill was he ..
I don't understand how he can see you sick and struggling and see your son suffering and then create an argument with you!?

there is not much I can say if you love him and want to stay, but I can't imagine someone as selfish as him suddenly changing, this is who he is
If he really wanted to help you, he would try harder
for example, why does he not drive?
he needs to learn how to do that for you and your sons sake.
when he's sick instead of playing games and eating greasy pizza, he should be resting and drinking tea,
at least do things to try and get better as fast as possible instead of acting like a kid

I am sorry if that is not what you want to hear but his behaviour is just disgusting to me and It makes me sad thinking of another woman having to pick up all the slack and be "strong" all the time
hope your son has a speedy recovery x

He’s an utter selfish twat. You definitely need to have a conversation about this.
I saw a thing where couples explain to each other how stressed / tired they are to allow the other one to step up as needed to deliver 100% of what is needed for the family.
So if you both have 80% in the tank all is good. But if one of you is at 20% hopefully the other can provide 80% but if you are both feeling at 20% you have to both step up to deliver 50% even if feeling crap.

Think I’d turn the wifi off.

I dislike your husband intensely having read this.

Next time he does this, I would tell him a few home truths: Namely, that he's selfish, pathetic and a pitiful excuse for an adult and parent. Because sometimes in life we just need to take some drugs and get on with stuff. And he's not, he's opting out.

If he accuses you of being unsympathetic and taking your stress out on him, I would tell him that 1) actually you are quite unsympathetic because the world and her dog manage to crack on with stuff when they're not feeling 100%, what's so different about him?, and 2) his actions and selfishness are causing your stress.

I'd be hard-pressed not to start doing a side whisper - "Man baby alert!" - every time he starts to cosset himself.

@SueDonnym genius! Really wish I'd thought of that!

To those asking why he doesnt drive, he is learning and has a test date booked so that will hopefully help even things out.

As I said, most of the time he is great and does do his fair share but when he is ill he is a totally different person. I fully agree that he is basically a man-child when ill.

@olympicsrock that's a really great way of re-framing it. I'll definitely talk to him about. Thanks!

@truthhurts23 thanks for the kind words and advice. I'm glad your daughter is better now. Good to know it won't always be this tough

@Chestnutz do I not need to ask him to come with me to take our child to A&E when I'm also feeling shit and we are supposed to be a team & help each other? If I was fit and well myself that day of course I wouldn't ask him but I was struggling to much myself I needed help

Does he have the dressing gown of doom? What happens if you are more ill than him? Would he step up then? I would try to sleep as much as you can today and good luck for the job tomorrow.

I would just add that if he's can't be reasonable about this now, then try to talk to him about this when you are both well. I think the % reframe is a great one. And then remind him of it next him time.

Hope you all feel better soon OP and good luck for Monday.

If he can game he can fucking help.

YANBU

You look a bit peaky OP, time to take to your bed for a day or two. He'll understand, he's been there.

I don't understand why you would want your DH near your DC with a cold if your DC is prone to catching respiratory infections and being hospitalised? Yes your DH sounds like a useless bit of skin, but if he is a potential incubator for infection he's better off away from DC. When he's well is when he should be parenting.

This is clearly a bigger problem than "asking him to go everywhere".

He had lots of sleep, she was in a hospital all night with her son.

He agreed to do two of the medication doses and then when the time came wouldn't get off his arse.

She has a new job and first days are incredibly stressful.

He has a common cold and could 10000% step up.

The gaming console would be going straight in the bin, after being run under a water tap for a while. I think that would be making yourself clear.

I would ring a taxi and take to bed, about time he got off his arse after being chauffeured for hours.

Because he had a cold! 5 year olds cope better. He needs to really see a therapist urgently.

Although I don’t think people with real health anxiety have the appetite to stuff their face with greasy pizza. The only person who genuinely lost their appetite and vomited seems to be you.

He’s taking the piss.

Does this guy have any pride in himself as an adult male? Huge turn off.

I don’t like him either. You’ve just started a new job - could you book a hotel tonight and go get a full nights sleep? Tell him you have been unwell but full time looking after ill ds despite also starting a full job and if you ever again see him gaming while refusing to do anything for his family because he’s ‘so unwell’ you will put the gaming console in the sink and run water over it till its dead. Now you are going to a hotel to get some rest so you can concentrate tomorrow at your new job. We can talk when I get back about how we can support each other next time instead of you drop everything and look after yourself. If I were as selfish as you when feeling sick our child would be dead on the floor because he couldnt breathe. I can’t even look at you right now; I’m going to go look after myself and you look after our child. Properly.

Great response - four months too late, but nonetheless…

Let us hope OP isn’t still dealing with these theatrics and performances.
What a fucking nightmare!

Oh haha I hadn’t seen this is an old thread. Time for the op to come back and hopefully say the new job is great and she’s told her Dh to pull his socks up!

Have just caught up on these messages. Some absolutely excellent posts in there, thanks all!

Turns out I was being unintentionally unreasonable....my husband has just been diagnosed with a rare autoimmune condition affecting the platelet levels in his blood which means his body hasn't been able to fight any infection and fatigue is the main symptom. Now I feel 90% like a total d**k but still 10% justified at some of the behaviour (i.e pizza and gaming)!

The job is going well thank you.'