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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder what happens if you don't have a tribe?

31 replies

Zazzlez · 08/10/2023 01:44

So I don't have a "tribe", which I understand can be multiple things to different people, but to me, it's friends, I have grown apart from all of my friends and sometimes I feel so lonely, it's me, dh, ds & DD,.no family,. nothing, I suppose my aibu will I be ok?

OP posts:
RandyAndTheRainbows · 08/10/2023 01:51

Do you go to places where it's easy to meet people? maybe there are clubs you could join?

Hermittrismegistus · 08/10/2023 01:52

Will you be ok? No, you'll turn into a greggs sausage roll.

RandyAndTheRainbows · 08/10/2023 01:57

Nothing will happen to you but perhaps you will stay lonely like you are now? Which would be sad. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

Filamumof9 · 08/10/2023 02:42

You know, it depends on your character. I do not have a tribe as such as I moved halfway around the world. But for me my tribe is my own little family, including the animals we have. To a wider extend part of my tribe is mostly online, and exists of my parents, sister and her family, as well as an old friend abroad.For me this is sufficient . I get my daily contact as an extrovert introvert by having to communicate with colleagues and clients.

nobodysdaughternow · 08/10/2023 02:47

You have a husband and two kids, that's not 'no family'.

Why have you grown apart from friends? That's the question you need to think about.

blackheartsgirl · 08/10/2023 03:11

You have your dh and your kids.

I am widowed, I am close to my kids but they have/are developing their own lives. My friends have drifted as it often does when you are widowed, you become the elephant in the room.

I am about to lose my mum to cancer, my dad and all my grandparents are dead, I have no other extended family at all, no aunts uncles or cousin, just a brother abroad and yes I am lonely

But I can’t stay like this forever, so I’ve started going to a craft club where I’ve met some lovely people my age who have or are experiencing the same things as me and I may have found perhaps not my tribe but some fellow outliers to share my path with.

I also think fuck it, I’m going to do things on my own, I’m going to watch a show at a theatre, one of my favourite podcasters has a live show, nothings going to change unless I want it to change.

SíDoMhamóí · 08/10/2023 03:28

I don't have a tribe either. I've made my peace with it. People tell me I'm unconventional so I guess this is why I've no tribe.

Catsmere · 08/10/2023 03:44

I've never had a tribe. Reasonably close friends for a few years in adulthood, sure, but circumstances changed and I haven't seen them for twenty years. I have casual friends now since joining a knitting group in the city I moved to a few years ago. That's all you can do, really. My sister and mother are my only family. My sister lives a three-hour flight away. I'm my mother's carer. She has vascular dementia (one minute memory, essentially) so isn't much of a conversationalist.

Octosaurus · 08/10/2023 06:11

Hermittrismegistus · 08/10/2023 01:52

Will you be ok? No, you'll turn into a greggs sausage roll.

Lol. Sounds alright to me!

Zanatdy · 08/10/2023 06:12

Meet some new friends. I’ve joined a local ladies walking club and suddenly 4 months on I’ve got so many more local friends. We meet 3 times a week plus extra social events now (don’t have to attend every one obviously). It all started with someone saying in a local FB group for our town ‘any ladies fancy forming a walking group’.

Original poster
Zazzlez · 08/10/2023 08:16

nobodysdaughternow · 08/10/2023 02:47

You have a husband and two kids, that's not 'no family'.

Why have you grown apart from friends? That's the question you need to think about.

I've grown apart from them for various reasons, I had amazing friends in my twenty's, but when when I moved away our friendships changed, I had one friend who I admittedly put before most so lost out on building other friendships, I have an amazing friend who lives in another country so it's very difficult to ever meet up, I'm incredibly introverted and find making new friendships very difficult.

OP posts:
Original poster
Zazzlez · 08/10/2023 08:20

blackheartsgirl · 08/10/2023 03:11

You have your dh and your kids.

I am widowed, I am close to my kids but they have/are developing their own lives. My friends have drifted as it often does when you are widowed, you become the elephant in the room.

I am about to lose my mum to cancer, my dad and all my grandparents are dead, I have no other extended family at all, no aunts uncles or cousin, just a brother abroad and yes I am lonely

But I can’t stay like this forever, so I’ve started going to a craft club where I’ve met some lovely people my age who have or are experiencing the same things as me and I may have found perhaps not my tribe but some fellow outliers to share my path with.

I also think fuck it, I’m going to do things on my own, I’m going to watch a show at a theatre, one of my favourite podcasters has a live show, nothings going to change unless I want it to change.

I'm sorry for your loss, I think sometimes it's very difficult to put things into perspective, I am very lucky to have my DH and babies. I hope you get some amazing friendships and experiences from your craft club 🥰

OP posts:
Original poster
Zazzlez · 08/10/2023 08:21

Hermittrismegistus · 08/10/2023 01:52

Will you be ok? No, you'll turn into a greggs sausage roll.

Thank you, I'm howling at this 😂maybe my DH and kids can't enjoy me for lunch this way!

OP posts:
Coffeelotsofcoffee · 08/10/2023 21:58

Hermittrismegistus · 08/10/2023 01:52

Will you be ok? No, you'll turn into a greggs sausage roll.

🤣🤣🤣🤣

EilonwyWithRedGoldHair · 08/10/2023 22:04

I have family and that's pretty much it. Haven't had friends really since before I left school.

Anu sort of club or activity has never fitted around work or public transport.

YouBetterShapeUp · 08/10/2023 22:05

Why do you want a tribe? It’s just getting involved in people’s drama, better off as nuclear family and socialising with superficial connections.

Hailandsun · 08/10/2023 22:20

YouBetterShapeUp · 08/10/2023 22:05

Why do you want a tribe? It’s just getting involved in people’s drama, better off as nuclear family and socialising with superficial connections.

Edited

I 100% agree with this. I had a tribe and it was exactly like this: expectations of ‘helping each other out’ with childcare, expectations to ‘show up’ for each other at every drama. It was completely exhausting. I was relieved when lockdown happened I could distance myself I eventually bowed out of the group. Never again. Now I have DH, DD and DS for deep connection and like @YouBetterShapeUp said, I stick to having friends for superficial connections on the whole. Or deep connections but limited contact so no need to keep up with endless WhatsApp chatter etc

Jennybeans401 · 08/10/2023 22:39

My ds is disabled and one of my dd's might be on the spectrum. I'm on my own with the dcs and it's hard, I've seen friends and family fall way over the years. I also foot have much time to socialise but try to do what I can.

I don't have a "tribe", I feel like it's just me and my dcs. It would be nice to have another adult to chat to & have a laugh. PiLs are nice but fleeting.

SisterWedge · 08/10/2023 23:03

I think a tribe is useful during phases in life - for example teenage years and again when you have little dc. At these stages tribes mean you have people around you who are going through the same shit and help you find your own way of being.

However for most stages in life though I think you can get used to going it alone, and its even possible to like it.

It's nice you have your family and hopefully enjoy their love and support.

NoNoHellaNoNoHellaNoNo · 08/10/2023 23:13

Friendships are usually based on shared history or common interests or both.

What are you interested in? Books? TV shows? Sports?

I have a friend who loved board games. She joined a weekly club where people, strangers, meet up and play. She’s got loads of mates from that.

larnee · 08/10/2023 23:18

I don't have a tribe. I'm introverted and don't make friends easily. I had some acquaintances through hobbies but lost contact when I stopped hobbies after having dcs. I have my DH and dc, who take up all my time and energy anyway.

I will get back to hobbies (or get new ones) when the dc are older, so I expect I'll meet new people then. I like my own company and spending time with my family, so I don't feel I miss out on much.

Blahbie · 08/10/2023 23:21

Don't have a tribe and have had fair weather friends all my life and my DP is the same really... our immediate family is what matters to us. I see some people who are completely alone.

UsingChangeofName · 08/10/2023 23:22

I have grown apart from all of my friends and sometimes I feel so lonely

So, as has previously been said, it depends why you "have grown apart from all of {your} friends"

If it is because of emotional abuse and you dh has been gradually isolating you from friends and family, then no, you won't be okay.

If it is because you see yourself as an introvert and have chosen to create this little bubble to the exclusion of all others, then you might well be okay. I mean, it's not the life for me, but apparently it is what so many posters on here seem to feel is something to aspire to.

I know you have told us about 2 friends, but what about the natural community around you and your life now - work colleagues / neighbours / people at any groups you belong to as an adult / people you have met through your dc / etc ?

CherryBlossom321 · 08/10/2023 23:23

I don’t have a tribe, I never have. I find plenty of fulfilment, and don’t feel I’m missing anything. I put everything into being the best wife and mum I can be, working hard, exercising, walking, learning. It’s peaceful.

Fionaville · 08/10/2023 23:25

My tribe is my DH, my kids and family. I have friends who I see and talk to often, but they aren't my tribe. I've been let down by so many friends over the years that I keep friends at an arms length. I'm social enough that I make friends easily, so I don't worry about regretting it when I'm older. I just don't need to feel that close tribe connection with none family members. You'll be fine.