To feel like I'm destroying my life

[Justfeelinglost]

I suffer with ptsd from horrific childhood abuse and I've never dealt with the trauma of it all. Fast forward to now, I have a young baby who I absolutely adore and after 2 years of multiple rounds of ivf, I got pregnant naturally and he's just been the best thing to ever happen to me. The only thing I hadn't anticipated was the overwhelming depression and anxiety I feel, it's the worst its ever been and I'm not coping well. It's nothing to do with my baby at all, he's an absolute dream, I genuinely am blessed with how good he is and being his mother feels like the most natural thing in the world. But, I have this intense hatred for myself and I seem to cope by drinking excessive amounts of wine, not every night, but when I do drink, it's like I can't stop and I want to drink myself to death. I have NEVER had this kind of problem with alcohol before and its absolutely destroying my life. Any time I get drunk, I argue with my husband, who is just the most amazing and supportive man, I don't deserve him and then I absolutely loath myself even more for being so mean to him. Not only that, I drunk text family and I make a complete fool of myself and then again I absolutely LOATH myself. I just feel like my son would be better off without me because I'm a complete failure who doesn't know how to fix myself. I just don't know what to do and I wanted to know if there was anyone with experience like this that has managed to improve their mental health enough to not have this relationship with alcohol?

I obviously know I should give it up but I don't know how to make my depression and anxiety manageable without having wine to wash it all away.

Sorry this isn't that much of an AIBU, I just desperately need advice.

Have you had therapy, and are you in therapy now?

You're coping with overwhelming emotions OP. Try not to be so condemning of yourself. If you reflect on what you’ve been through - would you condemn another person for finding those experiences so difficult?

You have pnd and need to see a dr asap!

Dear op please get some therapy to help you deal with your childhood trauma. I’m pretty sure that doing this will help with all the very difficult and scary feelings and the need to drink excessively. So sorry you’re having such an awful time. I had a similar reaction post birth of my beloved son and found therapy really helped. All the best 💐

OP I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this!

Becoming a mum can be so challenging. This might sound strange but I'll say it anyway. When I had my DD I had some similar feelings to you but i think it was because I realised how horrible my parents were to me. I couldn't imagine how they could be so cruel to me as a child, when I could never imagine being that way with my DD. It made me feel worthless? Like I wasn't good enough and that I didn't deserve to be a mum. Made me want to push everyone away.

I struggled with alcohol before I had DD, but that stopped being pregnant/breastfeeding, but I used it in a similar way to you. I feel much better for not drinking now.

I would really encourage you to reach out to your GP/HV. Its so so hard but you've told us, so I know you can tell them.

You are loved and worthy OP 💐

You're depressed and suicidal. You need to see a doctor ASAP. You can get better,don't give up. Theywon't take away your baby but you must get professional help.

Call your midwife if your baby is still small, or your GP, or if they're hard to reach / useless, your health visitor. This may not feel like it right now, but what you're experiencing is an urgent medical issue.

Postnatal depression is talked about a lot, but people aren't always aware that it isn't always just feeling 'sad' - some women can experience it as overwhelming rage or, like you, self-harming or addiction issues are not uncommon.

You are doing a great job. You'll get even better with time and practice, like we all do, but you're going to be doing much better, much faster, with support. If you can't get the will or courage to do it for yourself, you clearly love your baby and partner, do it for them. Please call absolutely first thing Monday, or get your mum or partner to if you can't.

Or if you're feeling worse before Monday, you are absolutely reasonable to go to A&E in this mental state. Severe PND is a medical emergency with risk to life, they will take you very seriously, and mother and baby units do exist, so even if admitted or you need a longer stay there will be people moving heaven and earth to ensure you can stay together wherever possible.

There is a lot of truth in the phrase "you can't help someone who won't help themselves", I've seen it played out so many times in so many people. But you are not one of those people, you're here asking for help, you sound very self aware. And that's what makes me believe you can succeed. People who destroy their own lives are generally in denial about their situation and won't accept help.

I'm so sorry you suffered abuse as a child. Please seek some help to try to process that in way that allows you to move forward. It's too big a burden for anyone to carry alone. It's not your fault, and you deserve some help recovering from it. Individual counseling is great, but it can also be beneficial to join a support group for people who share your struggle. You are not alone.

You clearly love your husband and son very much. If you talk to your husband maybe he can help you find the right counsellor and/or support group. He sounds lovely, and you do deserve him. And just think how lucky your son is having a mummy who adores him as you clearly do. You care so much and you want to get better, and that really is half the battle.

On a more practical note, could you lock your phone before you start drinking so that you don't do anything you'll regret?

You need to get therapy to help you work through these issues. If you don't want to do that for yourself, do it for your child! Looking back I had PND and soldiered on without professional support, but if I'd know how much a mother's mental health impacts upon her child I would have been asking for all the help I could get!

Please speak to your gp and they can discuss therapeutic input and medication with you. With support you can learn to sit with and process your feelings, rather than comfort, soothe and distract with alcohol. You deserve to feel better.

You'll prob need something sooner than therapy like medication for depression and alcohol because often therapy dredges up all trauma and can trigger or exasperate drinking during therapy. Therapy takes ages for a resolution but a worthwhile step medium to long term

PND is hormonal, nothing to do with past trauma. I had an episode of psychosis soon after DC1 was born. It was terrifying but all ok in the end.

Can you confide in your partner? Are you eating well and drinking plenty of water? And, are you prioritising sleep over housework?

Remember alcohol will make the little sleep you do get unsatisfying and ultimately make the symptoms worse, so please stop doing that. Have a nice warm bath instead and try taking a standard dose of paracetamol. Prioritise sleep. Even if you just lay down with your eyes closed that will help.

I'm currently undergoing trauma counselling (EMDR) to address my childhood. I've always had issues but they only really became unmanageable when I had kids.

Ironically mine manifested primarily as a worry around not being able to care for my children. But after having done the initial groundwork my trigger list is huge. I didn't realise how big until we starting working on it.

Given the size of the list it's no wonder I was feeling as awful as I was. I'm being triggered multiple times a day and the issues all stem from my childhood. EMDR is very highly rated for this sort of issue so I remain hopeful, but I've had some really dark days over the past year or two.

I would recommend self referring to your local mental health services and/or speaking to you health visitor department. Directly ask for trauma counselling as you're struggling. Don't be afraid to ask for help. And if you struggle to ask, speak to your husband and ask him to do it for you.