To protect DD from this?

[tasslesated]

It's my DD's 8th birthday soon. We booked a little afternoon tea for, four friends and her immediate family. She's shy so this will suit her perfectly and she helped pick it.

Immediate family, ostensibly includes her grandparents- my parents.

Unfortunately, they divorced when I was five and still (30 years later) fight like cat and dog. It's not usually shouting but underhand remarks and psychological warfare these days.

However, they were both at my house when I told them both about the arrangements for DD birthday. Cue an actual shouting match (mainly from DM but DF was winding her up) about transport arrangements. It was just between the two of them, I wasn't involved.

I uninvited them both on the spot.

AIBU?

I'm so tired of it.

Yanbu

You did the right thing .

YANBU

YANBU. If they can't act civil at their own daughter's house they're not going to behave at a child's birthday party either.

Absolutely right.

hope you all have a lovely time.

Yanbu

You shouldn't have invited them in the first place. Why do they visit you together, btw?

Asking because I'm apparently being too sensitive.

I just don't care about which one of them is right anymore. Just don't want DD's birthdays, Christmases to be like mine.

I still dread them - which is all in my head according to DM.

Coincidence on that day. One invited, one turned up

Normally if parents don't get on like this who've separated, they wouldn't spend time together.

Why are they spending time together?

The fact that your mother has no insight into the effects on you as their child, tells you all you need to know. They didn't and don't protect you, so they won't protect her either. I hope you all have a lovely time.

You are not being too sensitive. They're saying that to bully you into letting them go.
let them remain uninvited and be clear that next time one of them turns up uninvited they will not be welcome across the threshold.

you are spot on in what you are doing!

YANBU and they simply wouldn’t be invited to anything else either

Good for you, you did the right thing by your daughter.

Why on earth do they still spend time together though, it's been three decades! Have neither of them moved on? Seems mad to still harbour ill feelings after all this time, I don't know how they have the energy.

YANBU. As someone who grew up with parents like this too I think you know that you are doing the best for your Dd.

YANBU
have a lovely time without them and don’t be guilted into changing your mind

Fuck knows

Why were you making plans for both to attend your DD's tea at the same time when you've known for 30 years that this is what they're like together?! Your parents are divorced and they hate each other. You're going to need to include them in your life and your DD's life separately. It sucks, but that's really normal life for many people with divorced parents.

How about neither of them turn up at your house unannounced from now on either? They should not be running into each other and your DD doesn't need to witness any of this unnecessary drama. They can tolerate each other for the duration of weddings and funerals where necessary, nothing else.

Well done you! Absolutely the right thing to do.
You can hope it might make them think about their incredibly juvenile behaviour if they stop being welcome at events like this.

Better that you lay the foundations now so that they know you won't tolerate this when it's her 8th birthday rather than them causing trouble on say her wedding day.

Don't be pressurised into quietly allowing one to attend without the other finding out either.

Good for you. The pair of them need to grow up or not see each other, and see you and your child separately.