To ask my 18 yr old ds to contribute?

[Pollyannaatemyjelly]

My 18 year old Ds believes himself to be a victim. He has three younger siblings with the youngest being 11.

He never does anything he is asked the first time and often he just does not do it all. This includes chores, applications, used to be school work etc etc. It has led to huge feelings of resentment and frustration which I find hard to overcome because nothing changes. On the (rare) occasions where he does do things I find it hard to be positive as it's like a needle in a haystack. He does not seem to compute that he has some control in the situation. He believes his siblings are favoured above him but can't recognise that they are actually all treated the same, they tend to do the things that are asked of them.

He left school in July with A levels. His results were fairly poor but that's because he did no work. He's not sure what he wants to do next but has a part time job of 15-20 hrs per week. He is potentially looking at uni next September but will have to do a foundation year as he hasn't got the grades. He contributes nothing at home but nothing I seem to say or do makes a difference. He has a number of tasks outstanding which will cost us money if not completed (needs to give some kit back/hasn't completed a course which has cost us £800).

I lost my shit with him last night. He hasn't worked since Monday and I came home after a 14 hour day to find that he hadn't done the two (very small) jobs I had asked of him. He'd gone out with his friend and didn't come home until nearly midnight. I told him that he either needs to start contributing financially, with jobs or he needs to look for somewhere else to live. I'm so frustrated by it I just don't know what to do. He of course believes that I am totally unreasonable and will never be satisfied. So AIBU?

No, not really. My DS was out of college/work for a while and contributing financially wasn't really an option, but I did expect a basic level of household chores, even if just putting his own washing into the washing machine.

But he is an only child, and I worked part time. You have younger ones and work more hours, so a bit of help should be forthcoming, I feel. Can he help the younger ones with homework?

It is the best thing you'll ever do for him. It's an introduction to adult life.

I think you need to have a clear family policy on how adult family members are supported/contribute that you apply to all your children as they turn 18 and leave education, preferably discussed in advance. He is an adult and he needs to contribute both financially and with a share of the chores. Doubtless he will still be better off in both respects than if he was living independently but that is an option if he doesn’t believe it. What is his expectation of support for Uni? Particularly if you will have an additional year due to poor A level performance….

He had an offer for Uni but he was pretty half-hearted about it. We told him that we would only support him in going to uni if he showed some commitment to getting there. To be fair to him, he has done some research and found something he is interested in at a uni which is well known for an outside interest he has. However, from past experience that part is no problem. The issue will come when it comes to applying, getting accomodation and loans etc sorted. I'm not driving the process (which is what happens with other things). He needs to show that this is what he wants and he will need be proactive in ensuring it happens. I will absolutely support him but I'm not doing it for him.

YANBU, we are having conversations about expectations when our eldest ( 15 ) gets to this point now so it's not a surprise.
Fully funded if in education, if at home he has to do his laundry same chores as now and cook for the home once a week.
If working he has to do the above and pay a nominal amount but show savings towards house deposit every quarter.

Is he just not interested in Uni? My H was like that. V clever, but no interest in formal schooling.

Would you be ok with him not doing it?

My parents had the rule that if you paid tax, you paid mum and dad. Broadly it would be a full time job that triggered some contribution. That said we were expected to fun the majority of our lifestyle from part time work and contribute to the house as my dad worked long hours and my mum worked as a nurse so worked irregular shifts and usually 14h days. The result of this was I was quite happy to go to uni where I just had myself to look after instead a family of 4. I was capable of cooking a wide range of meals, washing, ironing and cleaning. My little sister didn't as she was quite happy to let me do it and my dad change to a job with more standard hours when I started uni so was around in the evenings when he wasn't before. She wasn't nearly as clued up on life when she turned 18.

Chickenkeev He likes the idea of it - whether he can apply himself to get something from it is another matter.

I'm okay with him not doing it but I do want him to have some kind of plan rather than just bumbling along. He has sorted going to work at a Summer Camp abroad for next year which is really positive. He's an August birthday and he is very young for his age, he still very much acts like a teenager. He is also a really lovely boy, just exceptionally frustrating! It's not helped by the fact that his nearest sibling is a straight a student and competes at a national level in their sport.

If he did contribute financially we would hold the money back for him anyway to put towards uni or a house deposit. Although we wouldn't tell him this!

Ask him to pay his way and save it for a deposit for him if you can. Even if it's £100 a month or something

My dd2 is 19 and living at home. She did an HND after school and qualified in the summer. She had a job 3 days a week in her field, she takes on extra shifts if she can, but is waiting for an important surgery and in pain a lot, so can't be on her feet 5 days a week in an active job.

She's the only dc at home now and contributes to the household with jobs. She obviously does all her own tidying, laundry, walks the dog when her hip allows, she keeps on top of the kitchen (I'm disabled and it takes the 2 of us with our dodgy mobility!!), cooks a couple of times a week, loads and empties the dishwasher, feeds the animals. It's not much because we have a cleaner every week, who does bathrooms and kitchen deep cleans plus all the floors.

We don't ask for rent, but we have said she must save for future plans like a deposit on a flat or a car, and she pays for her own driving lessons.

This isn't that different than her friends from her course (although most of them are full time) - everyone she knows who lives at home pitches in like she does.

I would want to be pretty sure he was committed to university. 4 years of you funding the top up is not going to come cheap-especially if he doesn’t go to a cheap city for university and if you only qualify for the minimum maintenance loan…

Shinyandnew1 totally agree with this and this is why I'm leaving it for him to action. If he can demonstrate the committment then we are behind him and will finance where we can. If he can't even get that far then, in my opinion, he's not ready for it.

weegiemum your dd does way more that my DS. He can't even put his washing in the washing basket (I actually don't even want to think about what underwear he's been wearing as I refuse to do his washing unless it is put in the main basket). He literally does nothing around the house and if asked his default position is to moan or say "but siblings don't do that". Hope your dd's surgery goes well.